Let’s not be downhearted. I am okay- well, no that’s a lie. I’m going through seismic changes, I guess, painful ones. As is my life right now. I know I am not alone, but I feel very alone, just because there are so many banshees in my head, and I’m so scared of the future, I don’t know who to talk about it to or how to talk about it. I feel guilt very acutely, and I am struggling with it because I have hurt people that I love. I did talk to my CPN who thinks my rationale is sound but my behaviour is possibly not, and that I am probably going through a hypo/manic episode, with a vicious edge of depression.
On my restricted blog (yes, I have one that only friends can read), Crikey, I was being funny. I have a Livejournal. Brain_opera if you’re interested. It’s for day to day crap and my friends in London to sort social stuff out. I made a list of things I need to do. They include:
- Start eating properly. I tallied up my daily calorie count as an average, and for three weeks, I’ve been averaging out at about 600 a day, sometimes slightly more, sometimes slightly less, sometimes nothing at all. I am going to force myself to eat at least three things a day, even if they’re tiny. This isn’t deliberate; mixture of stress, grief, depression, mania and exhaustion. I have been on the verge of collapse quite a few times and my manic energy means that I need to be eating more, not less.
- Sleep. Because I haven’t been.
- Keep the place tidy. Whoops.
- Try not to start caning the booze. I’ve been drinking but not an awful lot and I have stopped drinking home alone.
- Stop dodging my CPN appointments.
- Properly discuss therapy which I think I desperately need. Problem with it is that I need to be more stable in order to engage.
- Stop skipping medication doses. Yep. I’ve been afraid of going to sleep (hate sleeping alone, hate waking up alone) so sometimes have been skipping doses.
Basically; start small by trying to take care of myself a bit more.
I’m not around tomorrow and my sister is coming on Wednesday so I shall be quiet. My friend Nick told me I should make a list of why people care about me, and what’s good about me, and in it maybe I’ll find the reasons to carry on. I shall, but for now, my lovely readers, I pass the tasks onto you. Tell me five good things about you. If you please, and if you like, and if you don’t want to, then it’s okay! Even if you’re just proud of the way you do something, tell me.
I’ll tell you two things I am proud of (I can only think of two right now, alas): I am proud of the Radio 4 play, even though I got rabbit in the headlights about it and had to run away for a little while because, although I was proud of it, it’s quite strange for even more people to know me for being manic depressive. I’m also proud of the fact that, for the most part, I give people good and sincere advice. So there you go!
EDIT: Excuse the shouty bold, rather irritated. Continue reading