Note to Self

Edit:  This was a very embarrassing post to write so don’t take the piss or else I’ll get drunk and kick your door down and steal all your pens.

Right, my little rebellious streak needs to be nipped in the bud. Like many other people I have been drinking a lot to cope with recent trauma.   Not even socially, I’ve been buying beers and drinking them at home to “unwind”, mistaking myself for a normal person who didn’t have a past history of alcohol abuse and who doesn’t have manic depression and who isn’t taking antipsychotic medication.  I am coping, I am getting through the day, but I haven’t just sprung back from it totally unaffected. I’ve been depressed, incredibly sad, self doubting and generally dragging my arse around like a scolded dog.

 I’m not happy at all right now,  and I have just wanted to forget.  I know it’ll pass and that I need to just deal with it and for it to be okay for me to be sad, but I’ve been using alcohol to make it pass quicker.  I’m very aware that I’m  that I’m acting a bit out of the ordinary.  I’ve been doing and saying crap I regret and I’m just seriously not myself at all right now. I’ve been closer to cutting myself lately than I have been for over a year.  If I had the choice I think I’d just curl up on Rob’s knee and sleep for a month.  

I was so proud of myself for quitting booze last year and I feel like I’m undoing my hard work.  What’s worrying me more is that it’s taking increasingly less alcohol to blast my memory, and I keep forgetting what I said and did, which leads me into the ever beckoning shame spiral.  I went up to my neighbour’s last night and have no clue what the hell I was on about, and today feel like a prick because of it and want to bash my head against something.  I feel so embarrassed and it makes me hate myself.  I shouldn’t drink because I regret it, every single time.  I talk utter bollocks.  I need to be in control of myself because it takes very little for me to lose it.  When I drink I feel like I’m letting down all the people who cheered for me when I stopped drinking.  

This coupled with not sleeping or eating properly is not helping me.  I know I’m just trying to smother my feelings and resort to the easy option of drowning them instead, but this needs to stop.   If I carry on like this I’ll be back where I started, and I need to be extra careful right now due to the tendency for my moods to be extra-bad in the summer.  Other stuff is messing my head up too; chasing mirages, looking for closure that will never come.

I wouldn’t be making such dramatic statements if I didn’t think it was becoming a problem.  It really is, and I need to stop.

Truth is, I am depressed, and not because of manic depression. I am depressed because I had to make a horrible decision based on my stupid lifelong illness that governs almost every aspect of my life and I’m depressed because of how worthless and heartbroken it has made me feel. I’m depressed because my body is still going through it and reminding me every day of what happened.   I’m depressed because I’m not sure how much more relentless shit I can cope with before I break.  And I’m drinking because I’m depressed.

I know I beat myself up too much about such things but I’m doing my head in, I feel like I’m losing it.

So I’m writing this here just to say; stop drinking you embarrassing pisshead.

15 Responses

  1. Try leaving your ID at home when you go shopping? I tried that when going through my “drinking takes the pain away” phase a few years back. You easily look young enough to get asked when trying to buy booze, so it should stop any plans before you even get chance to get your hands on the stuff.

  2. Sometimes I’ve gone on the smoking dope and drinking herbal tea diet. It is said that a bit of kif is like a blazing fire. Usually if I can stick to smoking in the late afternoons it is not too bad. But if I’m smoking dope nowadays it’s usually an all day thing and I can’t give it up. .. the blazing fire is a bloody ocean. Booze is a bit easier to give up for me.

    Not wishing to brag but I’m incredibly clean at the moment . God only knows how long it will last. I was on the port and dope big time last year. I’ll front up to my new neighbours’ doors at 3 in the afternoon and ‘chat’… with my bottle of port. I’ve hardly spoken to them this year .. and they never come round to my place! Sounds familiar?

  3. The past 2 weeks i have also been drinking more and know i should not be at all, especially on the meds i have to take daily.
    Summers a bad time for me too and i always seem to go off the rails and end up doing some crazy shit with the sun shining so brightly.

  4. I am fortunate with drink as it makes me sick before it makes me drunk, except when I’m ill and self medicate when it seems to have no effect at all.
    I will often have a can in the morning an a couple while making the evening meal and maybe have two days off during the week. I have started buying Polish lager from their off licences and I’m one of their best customers the, strength varies between 5.6% and 7.1%.
    I was really ill last week and I couldn’t decide if it was due to physical illness, mental illness, or Polish lager.
    I noticed that in the background of some of your photos there where shelves full of booze and fags. I thought they had been taken in you flat and you were stocking up because of Swine Flu.

  5. Don’t beat yourself up. Drink is very enjoyable stuff, so the desire for it is bound to overtake you sometimes.

    You’ve realised it would be better if you didn’t have it. It sounds like you’ve committed to stopping again. That’s as much as can be asked. Don’t berate yourself on top as this will merely depress you more.

    Instead be proud of yourself for the great number of days you haven’t drunk in the past even though you would have fancied it.

    • Thank you. I can’t help berating myself; I know people act like tits when they’re drunk but I’m like Tit Plus, especially right now when I’m barely holding it together and don’t feel like myself at all. I don’t like the big conversations, for most of the time, my conversations are jokey and giggly. When I get drunk, all the bats fly out and all the stuff I don’t talk about comes out and I hate that. I don’t want to say that stuff to people. It puts them in a shitty position and makes me feel like a fecking idiot. And I push people to talk about stuff they might not want to, overstep boundaries, am flirty and spew out emotional diarrhea. I’m not normally like that.

      Right now, I feel like about 10 years worth of heartbreak is catching up on me; this has just been another heartbreak to deal with. Totally made the right decision, and the responsible decision, but it was still horrible to do it, and the whole thing just made me feel utterly worthless.

  6. Dealing with a decision like you made is just … I can’t compare it to anything else because it’s in a league of its own. It’s difficult to find anyone who understands and even if they do, your own guilt eats you alive, anyway. It’s really shit.

    Speaking from my own experience, I chose to go off my meds during the period I dealt with my own issues concerning this (to lessen the guilt some in a weird way), and that coupled with not feeling “right” physically for about a month or so made me go fucking nuts.

    It’s been almost a year now and I come and go with how it affects me. Sometimes I’m still crippled by it all. Something stupid will trigger my emotions and I’ll suddenly feel suicidal about it all and probably cry and possibly drink in order to deal with it. As time has passed though, the pain has receded somewhat. I think every time certain dates come up in the year, I’ll still feel a bit fucked, but I’m doing my best to move on and not blame myself constantly. It’s difficult to juggle logic with emotions in this type of situation, because no matter how much you justify everything, you still feel like shit.

    Anyway. I’m basically trying to say that I know you’ll be able to pull through this and it’s something that, while extremely difficult at times, isn’t something that has to destroy your entire life. Everyone’s allowed to grieve about things every now and again, and I think you have enough insight and control into your life that you won’t allow it to get too far out of hand.

  7. *Sighs* As someone who has been drinking Chardonnay for breakfast lately I am in no position to comment. But mate, remember you aren’t alone in choosing the maladaptive coping mechanisms for unsolveable problems. Sometimes it’s the only way of getting though the dark places when nothing else seems to work. These things take time to get used to. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged things are going off track, it’s got to be better than not realising at all. I hope it’s temporary, you’ve been through too much to not come through this too.

    Lola x

  8. You’ve just been through something raw and traumatic. Be gentle on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about alcohol, truly, not yet. I think it’s all part of processing (ugh, horrible word) what you’ve experienced.

  9. The worst thing for me is how socially acceptable it is. “It doesn’t matter, you were pissed..” Well, it does matter. I’ve been drinking a bit myself lately, after having not for, oh, maybe three years, but I never drink alone. I’ll do stupid things*(*euphemism for ‘cut myself hardcore, down to the fucking bone, pour toner in my eyes, tear all my clothes to shreds before crying in a puddle in the corner for three hours”.) when I’m drunk by myself. But what do I know, I have a history of self-medication that is almost as long as the history of my mentalness…

  10. I have taken to sleeping pills to just zonk me out. I used to use alcohol to stop my mind from racing. Sleep seems like something I can never get enough of. Sleep is so peaceful, in comparison to reality these days.

    And with the sleeping pills, it kind of keeps you in good with the neighbors.

    — although I should note that you should stay away from ambien as for some reason I was capable of actually still walking around as if I was awake — and not remember a thing the next morning. Kind of scary.

  11. How you going? I live in Australia in Wagga. . the weather is pure blue and sunny. Hope you’re going OK. It’s just another day.

  12. You can write on this email if you need to.

  13. You need time to come to terms with what’s happened so you can build yourself back up and move on. It’s okay to need some time and space to do that, and I know drinking seems like it gives you that but it doesn’t. All it does is keep you in the same place you were, unable to move on because you can’t process anything if you can’t think straight. I know you know this, but we all need a gentle reminder sometimes when it starts looking oh-so-tempting.

    If you need to hide for a bit that’s okay. The world will still be there when you feel ready to come back to it, and it’ll be a lot easier to come back to if you’re not lying in bed groaning with the hangover to end all hangovers. Take care of yourself hun, have a cuddle 🙂

  14. Thanks for comments, chaps. Even though I’m worried we should be forming an AA chapter here…

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