Edit: This was a very embarrassing post to write so don’t take the piss or else I’ll get drunk and kick your door down and steal all your pens.
Right, my little rebellious streak needs to be nipped in the bud. Like many other people I have been drinking a lot to cope with recent trauma. Not even socially, I’ve been buying beers and drinking them at home to “unwind”, mistaking myself for a normal person who didn’t have a past history of alcohol abuse and who doesn’t have manic depression and who isn’t taking antipsychotic medication. I am coping, I am getting through the day, but I haven’t just sprung back from it totally unaffected. I’ve been depressed, incredibly sad, self doubting and generally dragging my arse around like a scolded dog.
I’m not happy at all right now, and I have just wanted to forget. I know it’ll pass and that I need to just deal with it and for it to be okay for me to be sad, but I’ve been using alcohol to make it pass quicker. I’m very aware that I’m that I’m acting a bit out of the ordinary. I’ve been doing and saying crap I regret and I’m just seriously not myself at all right now. I’ve been closer to cutting myself lately than I have been for over a year. If I had the choice I think I’d just curl up on Rob’s knee and sleep for a month.
I was so proud of myself for quitting booze last year and I feel like I’m undoing my hard work. What’s worrying me more is that it’s taking increasingly less alcohol to blast my memory, and I keep forgetting what I said and did, which leads me into the ever beckoning shame spiral. I went up to my neighbour’s last night and have no clue what the hell I was on about, and today feel like a prick because of it and want to bash my head against something. I feel so embarrassed and it makes me hate myself. I shouldn’t drink because I regret it, every single time. I talk utter bollocks. I need to be in control of myself because it takes very little for me to lose it. When I drink I feel like I’m letting down all the people who cheered for me when I stopped drinking.
This coupled with not sleeping or eating properly is not helping me. I know I’m just trying to smother my feelings and resort to the easy option of drowning them instead, but this needs to stop. If I carry on like this I’ll be back where I started, and I need to be extra careful right now due to the tendency for my moods to be extra-bad in the summer. Other stuff is messing my head up too; chasing mirages, looking for closure that will never come.
I wouldn’t be making such dramatic statements if I didn’t think it was becoming a problem. It really is, and I need to stop.
Truth is, I am depressed, and not because of manic depression. I am depressed because I had to make a horrible decision based on my stupid lifelong illness that governs almost every aspect of my life and I’m depressed because of how worthless and heartbroken it has made me feel. I’m depressed because my body is still going through it and reminding me every day of what happened. I’m depressed because I’m not sure how much more relentless shit I can cope with before I break. And I’m drinking because I’m depressed.
I know I beat myself up too much about such things but I’m doing my head in, I feel like I’m losing it.
So I’m writing this here just to say; stop drinking you embarrassing pisshead.
Filed under: Bipolar Disorder