Which probably indicates something apocalyptic about climate change but I don’t care.
I’ve just had one of those lovely experiences that makes me grateful for both life and London. I have a big smile on my face.
Firstly, I should say that thanks to your incredible generosity (see a previous post for what was going on), I paid my bills (two yesterday, two on Friday) and had enough left over to pay half (one half being Rob’s) of a second hand camera. That felt a bit cheeky but it was £verylittlemoney. I felt like I’d lost a limb when I lost my camera. Well, a finger, maybe. So thank you from the bottom of my granite pebble heart for helping me out. Things are settled and back on an even keel now. My bills being sorted is such a load off my mind, I had really been panicking over it and eyeing up things to sell (my body, for example. A packet of crisps and a some cigarettes, in all likelihood. But I like crisps. It’s a fair trade). I was going to post that yesterday but wasn’t sure how to crowbar it in between zombies and Kerry Katona. Thank you too for understanding how uncomfortable it was for me to make that post and being very tactful. And everyone seems to love Dead Set, even amongst my contrary circle of friends I have yet to see a bad word about it.
Secondly, sorry for yet another off topic post. After an extremely traumatic fortnight, I’ve really needed a break from the intensely analytical mentalist posts. I have a lot to talk about on Thursday (The Reckoning, oh dear), so it’ll be back to business as usual. I’m sure that you’ve, er, missed the posts about mental illness? It must be dull…not reading about it? Really, what’s the etiquette for mental health blogs? When people feel better and spend their days flicking through books rather than streaking down the street in their flimsy underwear, do they apologise for it? It’s a tricky medium.
It’s bitter winter here now, and I’d had my thick drapes shut all day, warming my hands on cigarettes and strong cups of tea. Then Rob called, telling me it was snowing. I opened my curtains, and there it was, fat flakes storming to the ground. When it snows in London, due to the heat of pollution, it’s just farty, feathery little scraps that dissolve as soon as they touch solids. But this was proper snow.
I threw my coat on, without any socks, pulled my hood up and tore downstairs with my camera swinging around my neck. I live on the Holloway Road, possibly one of the least picturesque locations in London, but it was beautiful, the snow was swirling around the street lights and I must have looked slightly odd standing in the street, laughing my head off, with my arms outstretched at 10.30pm. The insurance with actually being mad is that you never mind if someone stares at you, you’re used to it. People were shuffling by clutching umbrellas, and then a man wrapped in a tartan scarf walked past, spotted me and gave this great, big beaming smile, and we looked at each other and laughed with pleasure. I love the fact that snow brings the child out in some people. (I know that at twenty three I am technically a foetus. I find new nubs of flesh every day). Some people sneer at it, but fuck ’em.
While I was snapping and giggling, a blonde girl appeared and commented on the brilliance of the rare London snow. I’d never seen or met her before, but it turns out that she’s my neighbour and lives next door to me. We chatted for a minute, introduced ourselves and then made the snap decision that we should go to Highbury Park.
We were both fagless, since we’d just leapt out of our flats in the spur of the moment (and the streets were pretty dead), so she ran indoors and grabbed some cigarettes, then reappeared with gloves for me (my hands looked like cuts of meat) and some cans of booze. Then off we went, smoking our fags and swigging our beer, looking like tramps.
It was still snowing by the time we got there, and looked beautiful. Highbury Park runs incognito behind the main road into Finsbury Park. It’s lined with expensive looking houses that belong in a Richard Curtis film and black Victorian streetlamps. The snow had settled on the grass and cars and a few footprints muddied the white asphalt. Our hands were frozen as we clutched our beers but only one other person was around and we were alone the haze, and the park was untouched. Only the heads of the blades of grass peeked out The snow had started to lessen and sleet, so we would be the only people to see it like this, carpetted and lovely.
I wrote my name on a car windscreen (childhood habits haven’t left me; I also valiantly attempted a three line cock) expecting the alarm to go off and for us to end up sprinting and sliding home. It was so quiet, and everyone had their curtains shut.
We were freezing so had to turn back onto the main road with cars slooshing by. It was a drizzle by then, with people hurrying home. We had a victory cigarette, wiping wet hair out of our eyes. By the time we reached our doors, it has almost stopped. We said cheerio and hurried inside.
I’m glad I ran outside and played in the snow before it disappeared. It’ll be gone in an hour, and it might not snow again all winter. And what a lovely way to meet your neighbours. It’s made me really happy, even though I’m freezing and I’m using the cats as slippers.
Here’s some blurry, excitable, shaking hand photos.
Filed under: bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, coping with manic depression, depression, london, manic depression, mental illness, photos, snow | Tagged: bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, depression, london, manic depression, mental illness, photos | 35 Comments »