I had a post to write, but it’s been kind of blown out of the water by the news that my granny Kane has just died. No, not even this granny, Granny Molloy, who is hanging on. The other one, which was somewhat unexpected to me as I didn’t know the extent of how ill she was in hospital.
I wasn’t close to her, but I didn’t dislike her. I was far closer to my Granda Kane, her husband, who died last year. And aside from my uncle Brian, I despise everybody in my mum’s family because they are poisonous, manipulative, loathsome human beings.
I’m still saddened by her death because it feels like my family is being wiped out. And so last Christmas was, well, the last, and will end a tradition of a lifetime.
Mostly, however, I’m just worried about my mum. She’s not really well (mentally) and has been looking after my granny almost since my dad died. I worry that this might be a catalyst for madness, and I don’t want to lose her. On the other hand, I’m hoping it gets her away from her ridiculous siblings and she begins, maybe, to live her own life.
I’m not going to be able to attend the funeral due to my current benefits-what? situation, and also that one of my best friend’s weddings is on Saturday and I have already shelled out for train tickets, so I’m too broke. I feel guilty about it (she deserves to have her grandchildren there, and I want to be there for my mum), but also slightly relieved, as I’m exhausted by funerals, exhausted by death. I have watched too many people go into the ground in the past few years. It isn’t how I want to remember them.
My granny wanted to go, though, and did so in her sleep. She has been heartbroken since granda died. They really loved each other. So I am happy, in one sense, that she’s no longer in pain.
There goes the plateau of calm and peace I had reached today, anyway. Ah, what a sodding mess my life is right now. Alas.