It Pours

I had a post to write, but it’s been kind of blown out of the water by the news that my granny Kane has just died.  No, not even this granny, Granny Molloy, who is hanging on.  The other one, which was somewhat unexpected to me as I didn’t know the extent of how ill she was in hospital.

I wasn’t close to her, but I didn’t dislike her.  I was far closer to my Granda Kane, her husband, who died last year.   And aside from my uncle Brian, I despise everybody in my mum’s family because they are poisonous, manipulative, loathsome human beings.

I’m still saddened by her death because it feels like my family is being wiped out.  And so last Christmas was, well, the last, and will end a tradition of a lifetime.

Mostly, however, I’m just worried about my mum.  She’s not really well (mentally) and has been looking after my granny almost since my dad died.   I worry that this might be a catalyst for madness, and I don’t want to lose her.  On the other hand, I’m hoping it gets her away from her ridiculous siblings and she begins, maybe, to live her own life. 

I’m not going to be able to attend the funeral due to my current benefits-what? situation, and also that one of my best friend’s weddings is on Saturday and I have already shelled out for train tickets, so I’m too broke.  I feel guilty about it (she deserves to have her grandchildren there, and I want to be there for my mum), but also slightly relieved, as I’m exhausted by funerals, exhausted by death.  I have watched too many people go into the ground in the past few years.  It isn’t how I want to remember them.

My granny wanted to go, though, and did so in her sleep.  She has been heartbroken since granda died.  They really loved each other.  So I am happy, in one sense, that she’s no longer in pain.

There goes the plateau of calm and peace I had reached today, anyway. Ah, what a sodding mess my life is right now.  Alas.

14 Responses

  1. Ah, that is crap. You have had more than your fair share of deaths to deal with. Hope you and your Mum will be okay xxx

  2. I’m so truly sorry that life is bashing you around to this extent just now.

    You could have a moment of contemplation at home while your Granny’s funeral is taking place – light a candle or plant something nice (if you have a little bit of garden) in her memory.

    I hope things start to get much better very soon for you and your mum xx

  3. I second Gainas’ sentiment and am thinking of you xxx

  4. so sorry for your loss. i think the idea of lighting a candle is a good one.

  5. Thinking of you!

    x x x x

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the battering you seem to be getting from all sides of life at the moment.

    I really hope you get some good news soon.

    Thinking of you and your family.


  7. Sorry to hear about your Nan, I am sure she would prefer that you went to your friends wedding rather than the depressing thought of attending a funeral with a lot of relations you dont really like……
    keep hassling the DWP for benefits, if you send them a letter from your shrink saying you have BP they will accept that and should pay you incapacity benefit ad infinitum…
    best wishes

  8. Sorry for you and your Mum’s loss.
    Best wishes to you both and the rest of your family too.
    I hope this disaster cluster clears off, you’ve suffered far more than your fair share recently.

    All the best

  9. Sorry for your loss.
    I know that sounds really trite, but you have had enough loss and grief to deal with this year, you really didn’t need another.
    I hope things pick up for you shortly.
    I’ll be thinking of you,

  10. My brother, the person I was closest to in the world, died two weeks ago at the age of 46.

    You’ve lost a lot of people and, when reading your posts about them, I could appreciate that loss is loss but I only now fully understand what it *means*.

    It happened two weeks ago but I’ve only been hit by it tonight. For the last 13 days I’ve been thinking “what do I need to do now? What needs to be arranged?”

    It’s only tonight that I’ve started to *feel*. I feel like I’m in a parallel universe where my brother is dead but, just over there, is the universe where he’s still alive and that’s the universe I’m *supposed* to be living in. I’m in the wrong one just by a freak accident.

    It’s only now that I really can begin to appreciate what it meant to you when you lost your good friend a little while back.

    It’s so so hard, isn’t it?

  11. Please can i send a hug to your mum, i hope she will cope with this loss and move to happier times.
    Strange how weddings and funerals go together, life is full of ups and downs-bit like my head.
    kind thoughts to you
    sad lamb

  12. I’m sorry Seaneen. *hugs* winging their way to you and your mother and family.

  13. Sorry to hear that – you are having a tough time seaneen. thinking of you. x

  14. Hello there, I’m new to your blog. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a rash of deaths. My hubby’s family went through that in 2006. I don’t know you but I think you are right to go to the wedding and not the funeral.

    I’ll be adding you to my blogroll and visiting again.

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