Well, I feel a bit daft.

(this post has been edited a million times)

Hello chaps.  Feel I owe you all an explanation.  I am, as you can see, alive.  This account isn’t that reliable because I was totally out of it.  Rob has filled me in a lot of it.

Firstly, thanks for all your comments and concern.  Special thanks to Neil and Laura for keeping everyone updated and Cathy for sending an ambulance and Angel, Ed, Miriam, Rob, Dan, Jo, Francesca and Sarah (for hoover lendage, my floor looks class), and my friends have been amazing, though I do expect that some people will be angry at me, an that’s okay and I totally understand.  I’m back home already.  My blood tests came back clear which surprised me as it was a pretty massive dose. That means no lasting damage although I feel like total crap today!  Four hours elapsed before anyone (well, Rob) found me and I was vomiting an awful lot so I think that helped.

So, this is what happened.

I had been depressed for months and suddenly, I got the energy.

I wrote the previous post completely out of my mind, it wasn’t for attention or for help.  Luckily my friend Francesca read it and updated Rob.  Rob had been planning on going to the pub and I often don’t answer my phone so he would have gone to the pub anyway.  Please understand that this wasn’t an attention thing.  Hence pulling the phone out of the wall.

As you know, I have been really battling intrusive thoughts recently, along the lines of killing myself, mostly with the pills I had in my shoebox.  Like I’ve said, it’s an itch you want to scratch, just to make it stop.

I lost it yesterday.  Completely lost it and I couldn’t bear it anymore; couldn’t bear the voice in my head telling me to die, telling me I wouldn’t die if I took the pills, I’d be fine, but die, but take the pills, be fine.

I had handfuls of pills and I took them in quick succession.  I was considering getting some alcohol too but I don’t really like the taste of it and I would have been really out of it.  I didn’t see any of your comments yesterday.

As I said, I took Lamictal.  Most of my Lamictal is 50mg, but there was a lot of 100mg so that was about sixty five pills, or thereabouts, and I took quite a lot more after I wrote the post.  30mg of Risperidone was fifteen, but again I think I took more and the forty Zopiclone was earlier in the day.  To be honest, I’m hazy on the doses because I was in a weird place when I wrote that entry.  The dose was “a lot”. I vomited most of it and am used to Lamictal an Zopiclone so hence my not being dead.  I’ve taken two overdoses in the past but this was the worst.

Pretty much as soon as I wrote the post on my blog I started vomiting, all over the place.  Then I collapsed off my chair, smacked my face on the table and onto the floor, where I vomited some more.  At this point, my eyesight and co-ordination went and I could barely move, and couldn’t see.  I had a few spasms and a mini fit and kept vomiting.  I couldn’t stand up, couldn’t really move at all.  I did try to phone an ambulance (I was really sick and in a lot of pain) but I’ve pulled the phone out of the wall and had turned off my mobile.  My co-ordination was completely gone and I couldn’t see properly, so couldn’t plug the phone in.  I started just hitting numbers, none of which were 999.  I was crawling about but couldn’t stand up.  I started shouting for my mum (who is in Belfast) and I have a slight memory of calling out for my daddy, too, then I think I fell unconscious because it didn’t feel like four hours.

Apparently Neil got through on the phone and I was incoherant and he was shouting at me because I went silent (must have passed out again) and thought I had died.  Then he couldn’t get through so I must have knocked the phone out accidentally.  That must have been traumatic as fuck for him.  I feel awful about it and don’t remember it all (he told me about it).  To be honest, I thought I was dying too.  I hope Brendan’s family don’t find out.

When I came to, I shouted for Rob but he wasn’t here yet.  He had found out from my friend Francesca so he got here quickly after work.  I was curled up on the floor so he thought I was dead and was drifting in and out of awakeness.  I had woken up a few times to vomit and was still vomiting when he got here.  I was out of it so didn’t know what was happening and my clothes and room were covered in sick.

Rob rang an ambulance straight away and was trying to comfort me.  They arrived very quickly but I wasn’t really sure what was going on.  I kept being sick and they took my clothes off (mortifying! they saw me in the buff) and Rob grabbed new clothes for me to wear.  I don’t remember the ambulance journey but I think Rob and the paramedics were jokey to calm me down.  I do remember the blonde woman paramedic asking me why I did it, because I was a “beautiful girl”.  Don’t know why she thought that since I was covered in puke!  I think I was lying down or maybe sitting up so I didn’t choke and I know that they cleaned my face. I remember that she was allergic to cats. When we were going into hospital she said, “This is your fault” (to another paramedic about cats) but I thought that she was referring to me.  They had their sirens on.

I think I was lying down or maybe sitting up so I didn’t choke and I know that they cleaned my face. There were straps on my arm and stomach which I think is why my ribs hurt.  I feel like I’ve been beaten up.  Rob explained to them and the doctors that I had severe manic depression, that I wasn’t thinking straight, that I’d been having intrusive thoughts and that my moods are largely beyond my control.  I’m just sick.  If I wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t have done it. I sometimes don’t take it seriously and make too many jokes and drink when I shouldn’t but I’ve realised it is a life or death thing and I need to get well.  When I’m not experiencing severe mood swings (beyond hypomania, beyond depression) I am not like that, I’m a naturally giggly, enthusiastic person which is why this illness is so devastating to me.  It is the illness, it is not me. Sometimes it takes over and it is terrifying for and for Rob. It doesn’t mean that I don’t do everything I can to get better but I really underestimated how unwell I was.

I don’t remember being admitted but I did get a bed straight away.  I was out of it.  They didn’t pump my stomach because it had been a while since I had taken the pills so they were absorbed by then.  I had a mad craving for a Snickers.  After a few hours they said I could eat but I threw up straight away and had been throwing up since I was admitted.  They took my blood and I was hooked up to a drip thing and blood pressure thing and a heart monitor.

Angel and Ed, two of my friends, came pretty much straight away, but I don’t remember much of Ed being there as I was still out of it.  Angel was brilliant and stayed the whole time, stroking my hair, helping me stand up when I had to (I was very, very dizzy and would have fallen over otherwise) and she stayed with us until two in the morning.

My friends came and visited too.  Again, I’m a bit foggy on the details but was very embarrased, lying in the hospital be feeling like a dick for what I’d done.  I was so grateful, though.  They offered-and did- clean the flat so Rob didn’t have to face it.  It was probably one of the most lovely things anyone has ever done for me, and they did it for Rob, too.  They didn’t go to the pub (kinda ruined their night, there) and they all went as a group, with Sarah lending a hoover.  I guess all my paranoia that people didn’t like me was wrong. Neil and Laura rang too from Belfast.  I’m not sure how people knew I was in the hospital because as far as I know, Rob didn’t tell them.  Today I got a new keyboard and phone because they were a write off from sick.  I’m a bit pissed at the expense!   Could have spent it on new clothes as I ruined my hoodie!  Arf.  Or barf in this case.

The doctors and psychiatrist came.  I am foggy on that, too, but I did bullshit a bit because I was desperate to get out of there.  I had pretty much vomited my body weight but couldn’t keep water down and managed to chuck up outside.

Another psychiatrist had to be called but I saw him much later. I asked Angel to leave the room because I was quite embarrassed.  Rob’s used to my mentals, though.  Again I bullshitted (not really about my mental state. I told him I was seeing someone. I just needed to get out of there) a little bit, especially when it came to food and eating.  I don’t know if you know this but I haven’t been eating properly (lost my appetite due to Effexor) and I have a laxative addiction that replaced vomiting bulimia, which I’m trying to kick (thank god I didn’t, er, evacuate when I was sick). I wasn’t sure what day it was (and wasn’t thinking straight) so I said I was seeing my CPN today when I had actually missed my appointment yesterday).

He said he wasn’t going to admit me to hospital but said that I should be with the Crisis Team and asked Rob to look after me.  I told him that I saw my CPN every week, which is true.

They let me go, although I was unsteady and foggy and also exhausted.  Ed had come back with Rob’s keys and lent us enough money to get a taxi.  We got home, had a fag, had some water and fell asleep.  The place was completely clean, even the bathroom and kitchen.  I nearly cried.  I can’t believe they did for us and put so much effort in, I don’t know how I can repay then.  “Thank you” doesn’t do it justice.

I had a very fitful sleep and Rob didn’t really sleep at all.  I didn’t chuck up again but felt very, very sick and disorientated.  Today I feel a better, have got my balance back and am keeping water and bland food down.  I am still quite foggy, bruised and for some reason, in quite a lot of pain over my body.  Rob is napping on the sofa.

Anyway, this post may sound quite robotic but it’s because I am still a bit out of it.  I’m not sure if I would have survived if I’d drank because I would’ve passed out quickly and probably choked on my vomit.  But vomiting my body weight probably saved me.

Effexor is bad for me.

More than anything, I just feel daft! I feel absolutely fucking awful for what I put them and Rob though.  I’m not sure how to face people but I’ve had overwhelming support and love from my friends and this blog, so really, really thank you so much.  And thank you Anna for dropping fags off! Sorry we weren’t in, had gone get a replacement phone and keyboard.

Anyway, so that’s it.  Hopefully the nausea, dizziness and pain will go away and I’ll be back to my old self again. Rob is with me, so I’m safe.  I have no more extra medication and I’m on weekly prescriptions.

Hilariously, this happened near my two year anniversary of leaving the mental hospital.  I can’t get the bracelet off my wrist, nor find the scissors.  I hope at least posting this on this blog might help people realise the reality of it and not do it themselves.

The crappiest thing about yesterday is that I lost the eBay auction for the camera that broke on me. I miss it so much!  Ah well, I couldn’t afford it anyway.

(rest assured I will be making jokes about this)

73 Responses

  1. Hi Seaneen,

    I’m so glad to hear you’re okay after reading yesterday’s post. You’re probably right about the effects of the Effexor – I had a similar pattern of fantastic couple of days/several days of incredible exhaustion and depression when they doubled my dose of Prozac before adding Carbamazepine – and my bipolar is not nearly as severe as yours.

    Anyway, I’m glad you’re still with us!

    Claire.x

  2. Hi Seaneen,

    I’m so glad to hear you’re okay after reading yesterday’s post. You’re probably right about the effects of the Effexor – I had a similar pattern of fantastic couple of days/several days of incredible exhaustion and depression when they doubled my dose of Prozac before adding Carbamazepine – and my bipolar is not nearly as severe as yours.

    Anyway, I’m glad you’re still with us!

    Claire.x

  3. ….
    Ah Seaneen, Seaneen.

    Yours speechless and very gratefull

    G.

  4. Angry with you? Hell no — just glad you’re hanging in there and that you’re safe! I’ll bet you’re still quite dehydrated. Be sure and drink plenty of water, and once you get your appetite back, have something really delicious. Take care of yourself, dear girl.

  5. I’m glad your not dead, i really enjoy reading you blog and think your coool.

  6. Very glad you are OK.
    Be gentle with yourself.

    Glad you have such good friends around you too.

  7. Glad you’re home and not doing too badly. Hang in there. I’m glad you’re still here.

  8. I nearly shat myself when I read yesterday’s post earlier, glad you are ok and hope you the sickness et al passes soon.

    look after yourself xx

  9. Hi Seaneen,

    Glad you are safe now. Your tale of what happened in your flat after overdose put things into perspective as I have been contemplating OD recently. So if you can inspire people to not go down same road and avoid any future attempt for yourself then at least some positive can come of this.

    Take care and stay safe

    Lareve x

  10. Hi Seaneen, I’m so glad you’re back home safe! I hope you feel better soon, with the sickness and exhaustion. I’d definitely tell the doc and CPN because obviously what they’ve got you on now isn’t working. Many thanks to Rob and all your friends for being there for you. Sending hugs.

  11. Better daft than dead! I’m glad something positive came of it and there seem to be no lasting side effects.
    Just glad you’re still with us, you would have been missed very much.
    Ben. X

  12. Hi Seaneen,

    I’m so glad you are physically OK. Lamotrigine is horrible to O/D on – it makes you throw up so much and tastes vile when you do. But hey, we both learnt that the hard way!

    I would talk with your CPN/doctor as the lamotrigine and venlafaxine don’t appear to be stabilising or lifting your moods.

    It’s good you are prepared to accept help though, that is a step forwards.

    I hope none of that sounded patronising, I was just worried about you and am now relieved you are OK.

    Ruth x

  13. so glad you’re home and doing okay, and that you no longer feel you want to die.
    hope you take it easy and get some rest.
    x

  14. I’m glad that you’re feeling better and that what happened has been – in its own way – useful. Now I only wish I could hug you and offer you a cup of tea….

  15. Best news I’ve had in a long time (And I really mean that). Welcome home,
    x Lola x

  16. I’m so glad you’re okay. Give yourself a hug and a really big one to Rob.
    XO,
    R

  17. Very glad you’re OK.

    I did a similar thing last year. Citalopram induced rapid cycling led to a point where I snapped, took too many benzodiazepines (mixed with alcohol) and cut my wrist. I wasn’t doing it to kill myself, just to get the thought of doing so out of my head. I’d been writing about it on my blog beforehand, I think and looking at wrist anatomy and so on.

    The bezodiazepines (or non-benzodiazepine hypnotics in your case) absolutely wreck your judgement. Unfortunately benzodiazepines are really quite effective in making you feel better in the very short term, so they were the first thing I reached for when I got to the point where I couldn’t take the rapid cycling any more.

    So I tend to think of my wanted-to-do-myself-serious-harm episode as mostly the product of the medication I was taking at the time. It does suck that sometimes doing the right things (taking your meds, waiting out the side effects) leads to such bad consequences. Or at least it did for me.

    Anyway, hope you feel better soon.

  18. You’re alive. Yay.

  19. so glad you’re still with us.

    now, go to sleep.

  20. Thank god you are doing okay and are back home… you had everyone worried. A great big thanks to the friends that helped you as well and those who cleaned up for you. I do think the Effexor has caused the sudden change in you… take care of yourself xx

  21. So glad you’re OK.

  22. Seaneen,

    I am SO glad you are home and [relatively speaking] okay. Yesterday when I read your blog my heart went out to you. I didn’t comment, because I figured the outcome of your exploits would soon be freely available to your readers.

    Have the crisis team been in touch yet? Just take it really easy the next couple of days — you’ve put your body under a lot of stress.

    Stay Safe, I;m thinking about you

    xXx

  23. Glad you’re still with us, Seaneen. Take care xx

  24. So glad to hear you’re home and doing okay. Your friends and Rob all deserve medals! My husband is the same, he was wonderful when I was suicidally depressed (I didn’t actually give it a go, however).

    Hang in there!

  25. Seaneen,

    Thank you so much for the update – it helps to know what’s happening, and thank God the cats still have a mummy!

    Lots of love and would still love to meet you next week, but understand if it’s not the right time etc.

    Lou x

  26. look after yourself and take it easy, best wishes, Bob

  27. Jesus Hun, I didn’t read your post yesterday. I am so so glad that you are still with us! And that you have Rob and very good friends. Also glad that the intrusive thoughts have gone! Hun I cried reading this post, we’ve never even met but I would be devastaed if you had died.

    Please take care

    Love Helen x x x x

  28. Good to hear from you, take care.

  29. I’m so glad to hear you’re okay. Your friends and Rob are really wonderful…not sure mine would be as great.

    Take it easy for a while. I know it feels like you should be doing something but you deserve to just relax.

  30. Good to have you back (not that you were gone for long).

    Take care,
    A.

  31. I’m relieved that you’re OK. Look after yourself. X

  32. Seaneen!

    I’m so glad you’re ok. Do look after yourself over the next few days – after my OD I ‘functioned’ but kept walking into walls, feeling faint and out of touch.

    And try not to feel too daft. You had a medication-induced flipout. Meds that are for physical conditions can cause psycotic breaks. Therefore, well, basically…. it aint your fault. Could happen to anyone.

    Please take the next few days easy x

  33. I didn’t leave a comment on your last post because I didn’t have anything to say that hadn’t already been said.

    When I read it, I was thinking to myself that it really was not a cry for help because there was something mechanical about it not something needy. I understand the frustrations that come when you just want your brain to shut off. You did well to hold off for so long.

    Glad that you are home now. Take care.

  34. I’m awfully glad to hear your voice (read your words) again. You look after yourself, ok? D x

  35. I hardly know what to say – Don’t do this again! I know I don’t actually know you (or you me) , but I’ve been reading your blog long enough to feel as though you were a very understanding and wise friend.

    I am so sorry you went through this – I hope that some god can come of your journey, even if only through this blog, but SOME will occur in your own life. You are a person with wonderful qualities and understanding. …. I wish you all the best. XXX

  36. I’m sorry I haven’t been around to read what’s happened here, my dear.
    I don’t even know what to say.
    I’m glad you’re okay.
    I’m sorry you went through this.
    I’m sorry everyone went through this.
    I’m sorry your f*ing meds aren’t working.
    I wish I knew what to say.
    ……

  37. I’m relieved to read you are still here, Seaneen. I saw your most recent vid on youtube and so I thought I’d come over and play catch-up. Wow, a lot has been going on with you.

    One of my dearest friends pretty much did what you did but she was a teenager when she did it. Bipolar runs in her family and she was diagnosed early. At some point she basically took her entire supply of meds, which included a 3 month supply of Lithium. Needless to say she was hospitalized and survived but it was amazing she didn’t end up dead or at least with serious, permanent liver damage. Like you, she too is glad she didn’t die. She is now in her early 40s, has 2 lovely daughters (one of which was dx’d bipolar before she became a teen) and remarried a sweetheart of a man who loves her and her daughters dearly, “warts” and all.

    I hope the illness doesn’t grab you like this again. I want to see you live a long life and experience so many more wondrous things that you so rightly deserve. I’m happy to read that you now know how many love you and want you to live. I hope I never come here to find something horrible has happened. I hope that if the day comes you no longer post it is because you have gone off on some wonderful adventure or that your life has taken a beauteous turn that leads you away from your blog.

    Never forget that we strangers care as well. Again, I am relieved to see that you are still here, alive and kicking.

  38. Glad, just glad.

    Be well,

    Jago

  39. Take care Seaneen. Take time and care and help when it’s offered. Be safe xx

  40. Hugs to you and Rob. Please thank him and your friends on my behalf.

  41. I’m so glad to hear that you’re all right, although I’m sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time. You’re right, though, in that you have a number of people that care for you. You have Rob, and the good friends that cleaned up your place, and the community here.

    Just take of yourself now. Please thank Rob and your friends for us.

  42. You have lovely friends and a very caring boyfriend. Take care.

  43. Glad you’re ok, though I figured you would be as psych medications aren’t that lethal. They fuck up your brain but not your body much. At least none of the ones you had listed.

    But now, tell me something about this:
    The doctors and psychiatrist came. I am foggy on that, too, but I did bullshit a bit because I was desperate to get out of there.

    How did you manage to get out? What bullshit worked?

    • The bullshit came back to haunt me! I said I had a fight with my boyfriend so they’d think I was a hysterical girl who should go home. And then I got diagnosed with BPD!

  44. That comment was a bit ill advised. It’s not a good thought to put in someone’s head, that they should have taken different pills and that the ones they took, well, they don’t do that much damage, so even if you took a shitload, passed out in vomit before you could take more and they were all you had, you were fine anyway. It’s almost a “do it better next time” thing or, “You didn’t mean it since you took the wrong pills”. Rest assured, I did. But it makes me feel like a failure for failing.

    I know that’s not how you meant it but be careful with how you word things like that at the moment.

    This is why I sometimes regret keeping a blog and especially why I was hesitant to make these posts.

    In less pissed off ness- thank you, everyone.

  45. Good to have you back. Take care.

  46. I saw this coming the second you mentioned Effexor in one of your posts. Antidepressants are BAD BAD BAD NEWS for people who have had a previous manic/psychotic/suicidal/etcetc reaction to any one of them. Seaneen what I hope you take from this is not only are ODs on pills shit (I’ve been there, coma town, touch and go, and it is hard to recover each time these things happen. I hope the people in your life continue to be supportive )… but the other lesson is that antidepressants are not safe for you.
    I’ve been there, I tried many more ADs than I ever should have given all the varying levels of adverse reactions I had to them, BECAUSE I was desperate to get rid of the depression, but they never worked, just made things worse and all I can share is the knowledge that ANY SSRI/SNRI is ALWAYS and SNRI/SSRI, no matter what doctor or nurse tells you that it’s going to be different, or safer, or more effective than the last SSRI/SNRI you tried. Don’t buy it, stick to the mood stabalizers till you find one that works. Don’t get tricked into going thru this again, stay away from the ADs, allow your brain some time to heal from the damage they do (rapid cycling) and you will find relief in time.
    I hope that the next time they offer you the same class of medications that has flipped you out like this twice now, you’ll remember this post and say “no thanks” “how about we try something different… like something that hasn’t driven me completely mad”.

    I’m sorry you had to go thru this, I’ve been there it’s the worst place to be. Hopefuly it wont happen again.

  47. PS – I wish doctors weren’t so stupid, I am pissed that they still do this to people. They KNOW that ssri/snri’s cause these reactions, and that a past history of having these reactions means you’re more likely to have one again, yet they STILL push these meds on people like you, me, and many many others. It’s messed up.

  48. You can pull that comment if you want…you’re right.

    And Effexor fucked me up bad too.

  49. Bloody Effexor! It was a bad idea from the start.

    As I said in the next post, thank you all for your comments, concern and love. All of this has made me a bit teary.

  50. And mysadalterego, don’t worry. I am just a bit touchy at the moment. You can imagine the dialogue in my head right now.

    again, thanks everyone.

  51. Scary! I just checked my mail. I really don’t know what to say except that I’m thinking of you. And angry? No.

  52. Seaneen, what can I say. I can’t remember why I clicked on your blog today… actually, yes I can, I was trying to work out how to spell Seaneen and was mildly surprised to see your blog at the top of google. Anyhow, despite knowing about this whole thing, I had never really read the blog before and have just spent the last hour doing so with a mixture of shock and awe. I had no idea. No idea how bad things could be, no idea about anything. For what it’s worth, when I met you I found you, erm, I’m not sure how to say ‘captivating’ without sounding sleazebag. Hope you can afford that camera soon!

  53. Sounds awful.

    I’m not diagnosed as bi-polar, but I think I am sort of. I have lows and mediums – not highs, I am never hyper, just ok or depressed. Today very much wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Such a strong feeling, it won’t leave me. I have gone through this many times. The wanting to be “gone” and just never wake up.

    The only reason I am still alive is because of my son, I don’t want to fuck him up, but sometimes the wanting to die almost overpowers the will to stay alive for my boy. He has no one. He would have to go into foster care. No one to love him. I love him. I love him so much it hurts.

    So that is why I am still here. But I don’t know for how long, the feeling of wanting to end it is so strong. Maybe my boy would be better off without me. I am not a very good mother.

    Last night I got accused of being a whore – and it is not true. I don’t know why people make up lies about me. I had the same boyfriend for over a year, he cheated on me, I never cheated on him, but I threw him out. Now I have a different boyfriend, but he doesn’t love me. I love him, but he just uses me. And makes lies about me and says to other men that I am easy and anyone could have me. Not true, I love him, but he doesn’t see it. But I keep him, because I can’t stand to be all alone. I have no friends. I have no family. Just my son. If I am all alone the thoughts of killing myself get so strong, so I keep the not so good guy around, for my son, so I don’t kill myself.

    I don’t know why I am writing this. I was looking online to see if I could die easily with clonazepam, ativan and seroquel. Sounds like not. I don’t want pain or vomiting, just want to go to sleep forever.

    Maybe another day…I am just so tired of the pain of loneliness and being unloved. I love so much, I don’t ever get loved back. Just used. It hurts.

    I hope you are well. I hope you stop getting the feelings to die. It isn’t a good feeling,

    Be well and be happy. You have friends. I don’t. You have it better than me. You should live.
    ❤ xoxo

  54. I remember reading this. It reminded me alot of last time I overdosed. You’re right about the itch you want to scratch thing. It’s hard not to in the end.

    Take care xx

  55. […] on July 16, 2009 by Pole to Polar: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive (Sometimes I think about this, and think about all the horrendous stuff I put Rob through.  What a […]

  56. […] Hooray, I’m not dead! Posted on October 17, 2009 by Pole to Polar: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive Happy one year anniversary of me not succeeding in topping myself! And three year anniversary of bei… […]

  57. thanks for posting this. I often think of suicide and reading your post really made me think twice. I guess i will read this a few times.

    be well

    thomas

  58. Your experience was nearly the same as mine. Except, scared like you afterward, I took two more overdoses.

    When I overdosed I did so with Lamictal and bunch load of meds that I was hoarding (all overdoses occured when I was in mixed episodes so I was “preparing” for the next episode by hoarding). I experienced the vomiting and the inability to move. I am foggy but also remember trying to cross the floor of my bedroom to get to the bathroom and I was so damn dizzy that I couldn’t crawl. I never made it to that bathroom. The first two times I took massive overdoses I made my room covered with vomit. It was pretty awful. The third time (I was at home) and my sister heard me “crying”. Thank god she didn’t come to my room and my mom did as I was vomiting all over myself. I was paralyzed from Seroquel so I was vaguely awake but unable to move. I remember my mom screaming and throwing on all the lights. She was moving my lifeless body to its side (as I was on my back). It was scary as hell.

    The trips to the ER are so foggy. I remember being on an few IVs and stumbling around to the point where I was literally dragged by two nurses. Pathetic in my eyes. I too awoke with unexplained bruises and was in pain for days afterwards.

    After that third major overdose I’ve scared myself out of doing it again. I know have major problems swallowing my 10+ PRESCRIBED pills a day. Instant gag reflex. And this still comes on despite it closing in on 2 years.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. It was so chilling to read.

  59. Why don’t you just tell your voices to fuck off?

  60. I know I’m seeing this late but I stumbled across yer blog while looking to see if anyone kept one while in a mixed-state and reading yer overdose just set me straight and kicked the same thoughts you’d had prior to yours, out of my head.

    I’m severely phobic of getting ill (my eating disorder revolves around binging and then frequent restricting) but this.. the idea that taking all of what you had only made you ill, further convinces me my own shoebox (I was surprised I’m not the only one with one) of pills wouldn’t suffice. I would suffer, look like much of a fool and it wouldn’t help me at all.

    So, thank you for sharing your story, and I do hope you never have the misfortune of having to feel that way again:\

  61. I just read this in “posts I want you to read.” Thank you for writing this.

    You have really put stuff in perspective. I have no reason to be sad.

  62. […] The highest and most profound compliment I have ever had is the person who emailed me after reading this post and telling me they had the pills laid out and didn’t do […]

  63. Hi, I’m @bubblesmunch on Twitter. I’ve just read this blog entry. I relate to it so much. I too am on weekly prescriptions (in a blister pack) because of becoming suicidal when depressed. I have also had a very ‘lucky’ escape recently. Just wanted to say that I can empathise with how it can be.

  64. I have read this for the first time and it shows what you have achieved yourself and in helping others by reposting your Blog, well done

  65. I just read this

    really interesting, if that’s the right word, i hope you know what i meanx

  66. […] warriet on Whoops, I’m fine!Michael on Observer article on confession…Oli on Well, I feel a bit daft.Oli on London South Bank University a…K on London South Bank University […]

  67. I wouldn’t feel too “daft” about this. Your no more responsible for this than you are for the color of your hair (unless you dye it). It’s faulty wiring that brought this about.
    I’m glad to hear you are back in the saddle again.

    An odd thought:
    Perhaps the paramedic lady said you were beautiful because you were in the buff. Puke wouldn’t cover up a shapely figure.
    No one can size up a woman like another female. You ladies are pretty astute when you judge each other.
    I would take it as a compliment.
    (I once read a story about a female prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. The first thing all the other women judged a newcomer on was her looks and then on if the person was smart or cunning or absent minded or just plain old stupid, and finally on how well she would be able to take care of a husband. It was a brutal assessment)

    Good luck and I am glad you are alive.

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