Hooray, I’m not dead!

Tongue in cheek but …

Happy one year anniversary of me not succeeding in topping myself! And three year anniversary of being diagnosed with the mentals!

Shame, my flat’s a bit of a mess right now.  Maybe I should find some more pills for the sequel and get it cleaned again.

It’s been a very strange year indeed.  Changeable, surprising, painful, joyful, somewhat unproductive and downright fecking weird!   When I don’t feel so delicate, I’ll go into detail.

In 2009 I seem to have mastered the art of forcing myself to carry on living with a glimmer of confidence it might actually be worth it.  I went mental from April-July and didn’t realise how mental (manic, mostly) I’d been until I was chewing my fist off in August and howling, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!”  Swings and WOO-HOO! roundabouts, though.   I went through the heartbreaking end of a relationship with someone hugely important to me that I probably wouldn’t be here without and who I love(d) very much that was complicated with-and partly caused by- madness, which made me (and makes me, and scares me because I don’t want the same thing to happen again, to take people for granted, to make the same mistakes) sad and angry, but survived and coped with it like a “normal” person, i.e crying an awful lot. And began a new relationship with someone who taught me what love was when I was fourteen, which, to be honest, is sometimes very surreal.

I haven’t escaped a year without a fairly severe wobble since my mid-teens, so if I make it to 2010 lesser-scarred (and hopefully not mentally scarring those close to me, like I did this time last year), it’ll be a bit of an achievement.  Self fulfilling prophesies may not be us after all. I do have nightmares sometimes about the events last year.  It was fairly traumatic, but hey ho.  More traumatic for everybody else who saw my boobs that day though.

If I’d expired in my own vomit last year my Radio 4 play would have ended on a bit of a downer.  And I’d never have met Michael Palin.  Did I tell you I met Michael Palin? LOOK I MET MICHAEL PALIN!

That’s him considering the marriage proposal I’d scribbled in the inside of the book.  It was accompanied by a line drawing of my breasts.

Point is, it’s a year on and I don’t feel that way anymore, which I couldn’t imagine back then.

Anyway, hooray for me not being dead!  Cut yourself a slice of cake, but do hide the knife.

Edit: Robert sneaked out in secret and bought me a lovely coffee walnut cake with three candles.  It was bloody delicious and the other half has gone into hiding lest I scoff it down immediately. All a bit silly, but there’s nothing wrong with taking one day a year to go pat yourself on the back with some cake.  Or to let someone else do it for you.

44 Responses

  1. Long may you not-be-dead!

  2. hooray! 😀

    I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. Hope it keeps up 🙂

  3. well done!
    You will find it gets easier as you get to know the difference between the spiky urchin and ‘normal’, but it is always a challenge to live with bipolar and associated other issues.
    Your blog is excellent, do keep on writing!

  4. *does a little dance of celebration*

    *rattles a maracca-full of pills*

  5. I’m pleased for you, best news I’ve heard all day.

    Well done Seaneen, and heres to another year!


  6. Hooray indeed. :o)

  7. It seems getting through the first few years are the worst . As I have found being Bipolar actually makes us more resilient . Once we find our creative edge we evolve into a more capable machine. I for one realise the acute essence of being bipolar an live according to the day as it unfolds focusing thoughts an keeping away from the negative disturbances are the best advice I can give. It has made life so much easier since I have chosen to stay away from those that put me down or have negative attitudes. Life has become so much easier since.
    Cheers too you for getting through the past few years Seaneen it seems you are loved and admired by many readers.
    Have a great day ! Dirtdog

  8. Hooray! If you could please continue with the whole ‘inhale/exhale’ thing that would be smashing because I’m really enjoying your blogs and think the world IS a better place with colourful souls like you in it.

    Happy Re-Birthday ;-).

  9. Sorry to be so thick, but when you said “Point is, it’s a year on and I don’t feel that way anymore, which I couldn’t imagine back then,” I thought for a minute that you meant that you no longer wanted to marry Michael Palin.

    Um . . .

    What I meant to say was, “Well done!” 😀

  10. Indeed. Hooray you’re not dead!

  11. I have to say, Britain’s Palin is much better than America’s

  12. Good for you! Take care

  13. Well done for getting through. 🙂 It’s nice to celebrate things like this and just make light of it.

    I can remember reading your post about last year on my phone whilst in hospital. I can’t believe it is a year ago.

    Take care xx

  14. Hooray!

    lol, that photo with Palin is gold. You, pink haired clearly in front of him and the look on his face. Haha

  15. Seaneen, you’re fantastic. I have so much respect for you. XXX

  16. Well done, we’re all very glad you’re still here 🙂

  17. Thank you for sticking around. You do so much for so many of us out here, Seaneen. And I have to say, Michael Palin looks quite taken with you. And amused and pleased and maybe a little bit surprised (;

  18. As I said before, I am so happy that you’re still with us. *does a happy little jig* I hope I continue seeing you online for many, many, many years. 😀

  19. And to think some people regard Michael Palin as being a bit of an odd ball.

  20. Did I tell you I met Michael Palin? LOOK I MET MICHAEL PALIN!

    Lucky you.

  21. Any reason you’re leaving snarky little comments?

    In regards to your comment on the previous post, they are to do with mental illness, I just felt like I was moaning.

  22. They’re not ‘snarky’. ‘lucky you.’ In other words ‘you’re lucky’.

    RE: my previous post – they’re metal illnesses in their own right.

  23. OK, I may have been a bit ‘snarky’. This is my experience. Pre diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder when I had ED and BDD – loads of focus on self esteem issues etc. Post diagnosis: it’s seen by the professionals as ‘something I just have to live with.’ I’m wondering if it is the same for you.

    RE: Michael Palin: he was truly brilliant in GBH. (Alan Bleasedale).

  24. Do you think I should jump off a roof?

  25. yes you is fugly

  26. I am raising money over at my blawg to get plastic surgery. could you put this up?

  27. I would give anything to be you. Anything.

    • Try doing it for 24 years, you’d change your mind.

      • No I wouldn’t. You have people who care desperately about you. I am ugly, and i know if I had surgery people would no longer see me as a grotesque witch who has no redeeming features and they don’t to look my blog which you said was Interesting, caustic, well written. But most people don’t think so. People care about you. I am the grotesque witch at the edge of the village and in another age I would probably be burnt at the stake.

        • Oh fucking go on then. I am ugly. I am scarred and mishapen, my nose is stupid and the only people who care about me, apart from my family, are people who pity me.

          • Actually, I don’t pity you. I admire you because you’re intelligent and talented, and have a great sense of humour, and when you write blog entries the words seem to sparkle and dance on the page. That is why I admire you and want to be your friend.

            Oh, and you’re pretty, but I’ve put that last because I don’t want to seem shallow.

            And what the heck is wrong with your nose? It looks fine to me.

          • um no you’re not. you’re beautiful. anyone can see that. as for the problem with your nose being stupid – noses aren’t renowned for their intellectual prowess. My nose has been bottom of the dunce group for years.

  28. That wasn’t very nice btw. I am mendacious but I can be gracious. Will you put my button up? Thanks.

  29. yep, hard to forget that scare…
    hurray for the (alive) queen of zombies…


  30. Hi there, i was diagnosed with bipolar, however i have been managing my mood without medication for the last 5 years. i avoid caffiene and food containing additives /E numbers. i take regular excercise ie running which helps counteract depression whilst also burning off any surpluss energy and therefore preventing manic behaviour. i have completed six marathons and have taken up photography which helps deal with the agoraphobia that sometimes accompanys depression. i limit socializing to aviod overstimulation. by making these simple lifestyle changes and avoiding alcohol and stimulants , my mood is now stable and i can lead a normal life and am now making plans to start a new career. You can beat it by taking control of your life and taking responsability for yourself. if i can do it so can you!

    • I am truly glad to read that works for you. Just bear in mind that no one way is a panacea.

    • I agree with Magg. Although it is good that you are able to manage your mood in this way, it really won’t work for everyone.

      Eating well and taking exercise may help, but it is not the answer to everything. Many seem to think it is and it’s annoying.

      I get frustrated by the sanctimonious that preach you need to take responsibility for yourself, work hard and you will be saved!

      Taking medication doesn’t mean you aren’t taking responsibility for yourself or aren’t working hard enough for a recovery. In some cases taking medication *is* taking responsibility for yourself. It can be a struggle to remain medication compliant (especially when people tell you medication is evil and you shouldn’t take it), but by ensuring you take that medication you are giving yourself the best possible chance of stability.

      Sorry rant over.

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