Me talking self harm on Metro’s “Mentally Yours” podcast

Absolutely lashing with sweat due to illness, and having just burst an eardrum by being stupid, I went to a restaurant in West London to meet Yvette and Ellen of the Mentally Yours podcast in which, now having listened, I was surprisingly coherent in retrospect.

I don’t find self-harm the easiest topic to discuss. It’s pretty hard to without getting a bit graphic, so a warning that this podcast does have some fairly graphic language, as well as a few fucks, because it’s me. I haven’t self-harmed in 8 years, but because I live in a scar suit, the reaction my body gets from both the public and the medical profession means I may as well never have stopped.

It’s also not an easy topic to discuss because everyone is so different.  The hardest question I was always asked when I self harmed was, “Why do you do it?” I know the circumstances I self harmed in, the houses, the rooms, the ritual.  But the why, the visceral, deep down why, is mostly a mystery to me even now. I tried to explain here as best I could, the same way I tried when I was a teenager and was confronted, badgered, hectored with the, “Why?” from everybody who in turn wanted to understand their own anger, rage, disgust at it.

I talk about why self-harm might be on the rise in young women, on which I wish I’d said more. What I didn’t mention was my feeling that there’s an earlier sexualisation of young bodies, and self-harm can be both a fuck you to that, and a way of acting out self hatred.   I also touch a bit on the trivialisation and dismissal of childhood and teenage emotions, and of their trauma, and the unfathomable things children endure and can’t express (and bear in mind I blocked someone on Twitter for asking if I had self-harmed due to something like a teenage crush on Boyzone, so do refrain from making fucking stupid comments like that please).

And I chat about coping with scars and what led me to stop, how I stayed that way, and some advice to anyone who might want to hurt themselves.

Thanks for having me, Metro! Have a listen.

 

4 Responses

  1. Doesnt bravery come into this? Bravery living through and with the day to day scars of this terrible condition. You like many are remarkable and well done for getting this far and acheiving so much !

  2. Nice post.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your story! You don’t know how much it is helping those who suffer from other mental health illnesses and what a difference you are making!

  4. self-harm@women is becoming usual, I think it would be down by a rooting solution, i.e. Parents are the prime trainer to their Son’s view to women. I just want to remind all about Justin Trudeau’s speech about to be feminist, i.e.He says “Raise boys as feminists to change ‘culture of sexism’. I like his personality very much and he is one my idle. However come to the point, I know that you speech out the fact with great miseries and about all are right. Lets come back to Justin Trudeau’s speech, actually he is right, parents should raise their children as they not should, but have to respect the women and give them free space to the freedom. Actually we have to change dominant mind to woman, which would make possible by our parents and society…hope so….

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