There’s a black dog on my shoulder again

Hi chaps.

I’m in an awful place right now and I deleted a post at the end of September saying as much, so this one might get deleted too.  I always delete posts that reference anything negative these days, for a couple of reasons.  One being that, because this blog got all popular, because it followed (unintentiionally) an “arc” from, “Mental” to, “Ooh less mental” I got pinned with the, “Recovery Superstar” thing. When I fall sort of that, I feel awful, it is another failure heaped upon my life of failures.

Another being that I am worried about backlash, another about professional bodies getting me done for it, another shame, another being that I am afraid of being Googled by potential employers because, and ha! Paid, non-shift work might actually help save me a bit now.  I think so fondly back to early last year when I had a full time job (working regular shifts) and did part time study and I was the happiest and most stable I had ever been.  I managed, after my initial first month in paid employment in four years wobble, and I managed so well I got a bottle of champagne and an, “I’ve been dreading this” when I said I was leaving to go to uni, and a distinction in my course.  I take some comfort from that, a lot, in fact. My legs were more wobbly and new then than they are now and I still walked.

Stress, intense stress, and shift work is absolutely screwing with my head.  I can’t get regular sleep, I can’t take regular medication (I also can’t take regular medication because my GP surgery, and I hope they are Googled and someone finds this, THE DULWICH MEDICAL CENTRE, are absolutely shambolic and have still not actioned the psychiatrist’s medication changes of upping Lamictal to 200mg, and have left me without a prescription 4 times in a row), I have no balance in my life whatsoever and I never see my husband, and I am earning nothing.  I feel like a failure, I bring nothing to my house but misery and we are heading for financial ruin.  The feeling of contributing nothing to our household weighs on me, the feeling of our plans (we had them, kids, love, time) being on hold because of me, even more so, and even more so when I can’t see a way I can fulfil any of those plans.  And I can’t do a part time job on this course. And I seemingly can’t get any help or support. We’re living somewhere we hate.  This may sound stupid but I have been rotating the same two dresses and one pair of trousers for 3 weeks because all my clothes were stolen from our line.  At first, I thought I lost them. Then I washed all my best stuff (dresses, knickers, cardigans, which I have to wear) to start placement and they were all stolen, everything. I can’t afford to replace them.  And because I’ve gained 20lbs in the past 2 months, I wouldn’t be able to wear them anyway.  Our neighbours blast religious music constantly so we can’t sleep in our bedroom and sleep in the tiny spare room, and I live in the kitchen because the living room is often unusuable due to noise. I have no time or inclination to write, my thoughts are slow and dull, I have no inclination to see anyone or do anything, to move,  I feel as though I am fading away. What happened to that passionate talented person I used to be?  I am ghost.  I walk around the flat like a ghost, I walk through my husband, through life, carrying nothing but guilt and failure and self hatred and wanting to scream like an adolescent, “I HATE MY LIFE” and that feels like a stupid indulgence too. As does blithely saying, “I need a routine, I need money” when for years I tricked and lived as someone without both and thought it was so bohemian and not killing and I hate the fact that, “routine” helps me, as does some sort of creativity, some sort of expression and identifying which I feel I have completely lost (that part is not surprising)  I like evenings, I am better in the evenings.

I am partly depressed because this is what tends to happen to me at this time of year. I have been bitchslapped viciously by depression around September almost every year for… a long time. And I know it doesn’t last.  I know I spend months hating myself, pissing into glasses because I can’t move, eating everything in sight, wanting to sleep constantly, having no energy and having my husband try to cheer me up with jokes like, “Welcome to Seaneen’s chat show, in which she stares into space and doesn’t say a word for an hour”, which did make me smile.  This is my life.  This is what happens to me, and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do but make lists and try to carry on but I feel as though I am sinking. It has barely affected my work yet because I am very good at hiding it but inside I am screaming that I desperately need a break to sleep and to think and to recover. And it angers me because what I do now I have been so good at doing until lately. Even with the killing shifts I was managing and was a lot of the time great at it.

But it’s also partly stress, circumstances and situation and I have some hard thinking to do and I am also hard-thinking trying to.  i have worked my arse off for 2 years.  -Edited out stuff because I can’t be bothered-. I am also haunted by not mentioning my dad at my wedding.

I KNOW I am probably “not well” but all I hear in my head that this is stupid indulgence, that I am just not trying hard enough, that I am to blame, complete, drowning shame. I’m not a quitter, I am stupidly committed and hard working in a lot of ways. I know this too.

And even though I KNOW a lot I am still in furnace rage because I WAS FINE and was for a long time and although I KNOW things, because of diagnosis shit in the past few years I still DON’T KNOW or trust why this happens to me even though I almost tediously fall into the criteria for bipolar depression, even though I have been under a lot of stress (I have been under stress before and managed) when I was fine, so it feels like even more of a failure and a weakness than it already did.

So, that’s where I am.  Send love.

22 Responses

  1. Sending you all the love in the world hunni xx

  2. lots and lots of love heading in your direction

  3. Sending love, and lots of it.❤

    Also, I know it's just a depressive hypochondriasis, but I feel the need to reassure you that in someone of your age, short of a metastasis from a MASSIVE tumour elsewhere (as in, you would know about it!), the odds of you having bone cancer are longer than winning the lottery. Peace out.😀

  4. Hugs. :C

    Stealing your clothes off the line is shit. I’m sorry.

  5. *Sends love* This is not your fault, you’re not being indulgent, you’re not to blame, you’re not weak, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. (And you probably don’t have cancer, although I can’t guarantee that😉 )
    ❤ xxx

  6. This may sound a crappy response, but it is trudging through the shite that helps us appreciate the dire lows of our lives.

    You may want to try local charities in your area. There is a lot of fantastic work achieved by these people that often go unnoticed. They are always there to help and very rarely turn anyone away that wants to be helped!

    Stealing clothes from a line sucks. Karma is a bitch though. Their time will come.🙂

  7. Here’s me sending you love. Can’t believe some idiot would steal your clothes. That’s South London life for you… Hang on in there. This is a really difficult time of year for everyone, but as you’ve said it yourself it passes. Be kind to yourself, because you it to yourself and those who love you. Keep good. And have some Brazilian beijos and abraços to cheer you up a bit!🙂

  8. *love through the interwebz*

  9. Love and hugs.
    This too will pass…..

  10. You are NOT a failure, in any way, shape, or form. You are merely walking through one of those valleys that BPD brings. Peronlly, I undrstand ver, very well. Sometimes, I sit and cry, because it al seems so pointless because I can *remember*, so cleaarly, how it felt to be “up” and “healthy”. It is part of this road we walk, even if it sucks big, fat,hairy, sweaty, zit-covered, oozing goat balls.

    Please, please remember that you aren’t alone, and that we ALL love you! You will make it through this valley and come out the other side stronger, even if it feels otherwize. Have faith, beautiful. We do.

    ~Amanda
    Xo

  11. Sending much love.

    You are still the passionate talented person you always have been, you are just struggling right now. It is a difficult time of year, you are doing something stressful and challenging and demonstrating much strength in the process, and your living situation sounds awful – and the effects of that seriously can NOT be underestimated.

    Please don’t feel ashamed – it would have been a little too much of a fairy story had you continued to do as well as you have been, and sailed through situations anyone would find hard. Mental illness is a trickier beast than that.

    I’m sorry that your GP surgery is being so useless. PLEASE FIGHT THEM. Seriously, make a formal complaint, that might make them take action. It’s what I am having to do right now. Lamictal has been wonderful for me against depression and I would hope it could really help you, if you could actually get hold of it.

    Please, please, try to give yourself a break and not hate yourself too much for this. IT IS NOT WEAKNESS, AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

    Take care, as best you can,

    WH xxx

  12. I’m sorry things are so tough for you right now. Be gentle with yourself love. xx

  13. I don’t usually post, but rest assured that your feelings are valid and you are cherished.
    The Autumn Sink is largely due to lack of sunlight reducing seratonin levels, making us want carbs and piling on the pounds.
    I’m diagnosed bipolar (14 years) with severe SAD. They often go hand in hand. My treatments of choice are Lustral (150mg), Tegretol (200mg), Propranolol (40mg, for anxiety), a lightbox and DBT and CBT. I hate going to my weekly therapy, as I am in my 40s and think I should have ‘got a grip’ by now. However, I always leave feeling a bit more insightful, so I keep going.
    So keep on going, chick. I love reading your work, and there is strength in admitting when you feel crap.
    All the best xx

  14. Nobody should steal clothes these days. That sucks. You are a human being with ups and downs. Every post doesn’t have to be positive. Its where you are right now. You are still a hero to me and many others with bipolar.

  15. you’re definitely not a failure, but i think your landlord/neighbours and doctor practice are. can your psych/sw etc put pressure on the doctor to sort it the fuck out? surely they should know that medications like that need pretty regular input or they don’t work?

    have you asked your neighbours to shut up? or whether they’ve had issues of stolen clothes – if it’s not just you maybe something could be done? it sucks when you feel like shit anyway to have these stupid things of people just being plain inconsiderate – and i know how much even the smaller ones of those can feel huge and fucking frustrating if you already feel like crap.

    not much to say otherwise just hang in there – and talk to someone about getting the doc sorted!

  16. I know this is hard to say but things will get easier .. I completed the RMN training for 3 years and have just got my PIN no. .. I too have bi-polar T2 (rapid cycling) .. I wanted to give in several times but soldiered on .. Its worth it .. Those uniforms which are more like grey shackles .. Eventually fade and will be replaced by qualified colours and a new magnetic badge and photo I.D which I’m sad to say mean the world to me at present .. Not just because I achieved my goal .. But because I did it under the most difficult of situations. I now have insight into how the individuals I care for may feel .. And I wouldn’t change my time or condition for anything .. Hang in there soldier ! Churchill’s black dog can be Trained xx

  17. Hey Seaneen.. Just wanted to say, don’t feel like you should be a recovery guru. Anyone who has had a mental illness for a while knows it’s made of ups and downs, and that makes us more human. If anyone says they got better forever they’re either delusional or lying. I have gotten a lot better but I still have my I WANT TO FUCKING DIE days and weeks in which I barely want to get out of bed. I don’t think I’m bipolar but I’m crazy enough to have met my boyfriend of 2 years in the Alt Suicide Methods community. I’ve lost friends to bipolar and depression, yet many of us have been able to live on.

    We all have better and worse months, days and even years. I think it’s better to concentrate on the average, on where you’ve gotten and how this year was better than say, 5 years ago. It might seem like you’re going backwards, but you’re moving forward and just focusing on the terrible feelings, thoughts and lack of energy (and I surely know how hard it is not to). However, if you need to quit for now, I think it’s healthier to do so and have time to rest and re-evaluate where you are than pushing it. I tried to push it and it backfired horribly.

    I’ve been following you for years. Miss your old posts, they made me laugh and gave me strength when I was going through a bad time. Hugs and love❤

    Ash.

  18. *Sending warm love*

  19. I agree with all the above posts, love David.
    You have kept myself going with your blog and the use of the w.w.w.

  20. Sending love sweetie xx

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