Sorry for the silence… 

… I’ve not been very well over the past few months,  unsurprising given its autumn and I’m always ravaged by depression at this time of year. I don’t really know why I ever hope it’ll be different.  In the last few years I’ve had round the clock anxiety too which has been lots of fun. I haven’t been at my worst thankfully, I’ve had worse than this, but it’s been bad enough that I got signed off work for a little bit,  only a week.  My doctor wanted me to take longer off,  but am trying to keep myself going as much as possible as I don’t want to end up back on medication, which was what the doctor suggested if I continued to get worse.  Because I can’t take antidepressants on their own I’d have to take a mood stabiliser and antipsychotic again too, and it was hell getting off them and I struggled to function working full time with a long commute and it would be doubly hard now with a baby to care for too. 

It took me a long time to ask for help because I was terrified if I did,  they’d take my son from me. That’s my worst nightmare and I was angry at myself for not being magically cured now I have him, for feeling weak and shit. He always makes me happy, was the only thing that did really. But I’ve been feeling like some sort of toy, plugged in and can smile and talk then becoming unplugged into slackness and silence.

So I’m trying my best. I do feel a bit better.  I need to take a bit of a look at my life though and think about what I can reasonably cope with. It is so hard in London just trying not to go under.   

The state of the world generally has been getting me down too and I haven’t felt like writing.  What is there to say anymore that hasn’t been said already? The world is a terrifying shitshow full of unimaginable suffering which is going to become worse and worse.  There’s my hot take.

I’ll be back though, just wanted to say hi and explain why I’ve been quite quiet over the last few months. 

Oisín is still lovely, though. Here he is on Halloween (he was a punk zombie bit in truth he was just himself with some hairspray and a bit of facepaint).  And more for avid Seaneen baby followers… 


10 Responses

  1. Take care of yourself. Society expects so much from women, including being up for everything when we can’t. Women who retreat to look after ourselves are deemed standoffish or selfish, when in fact it’s self-preservation. We need to preserve our own physical health, mental health and emotional wellbeing. God knows society won’t do it for its.

  2. what a precious little boy. I cannot take ADs as years back they pushed me, after taking them twice, from 2 hypomanic episodes to 4 or 5 per year. After 7 years with a trusted doc who listened cycles of 22 years finally stopped with anti seizure med. depakote ( beefs up brain GABA) and an addition of a very small amount of clonopin. Also an anti seizure med., works on GABA.

    I have worked with peers at our own centers and with the county. I respect choice. I know many who have an episode here and there who choose to go med. free. Really helps to have a buddy system and/ or suportive partner.

    I was working when the anti-psychotics were introduced. They were never meant for BP but they have such a blanket effect, so much like the older heavy tranks, they block everything. IMHO they do damage all over and yes, I have known people who got off them cold turkey or too slowly and had episodes far worse than they had ever experienced. ( rebound)

    I called my depressives mixed states…not in mood, was always unable to feel joy etc. but my mind and body were stuck in a fight or flight state for weeks. ( high anxienty, same thing) Hyper alert, awful adrenilin feelings all over, racing mind but not much to say. I was predicatable, seasonal. I ad some full spectrum light starting late Oct but not to much. We BPs have a hard time maintaning that fine balance.

    I know you know it will pass. It always does. No need at all to be sorry for not writing your readers. Just realize right now as you go over past words spoken or look at scrapbook of your life and see a big smiling face…that IS you, you just are cut off from many emotions. The fast train of anxiety/ fight or flight state does that so please dont fall for the trap we all know so well that says ” I am a phoney in so many ways”

    Hang in there and all of us wish you a speedy recovery.
    Syl in California

  3. Sending you hugs. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline on top of the depression and my whole life has fallen apart. It’s so hard, isn’t it?

  4. Your words are such an inspiration, there is no doubt in my mind you have saved people’s lives. Keep being you, people understand exactly how hard it is, you have never been alone. I read your posts and it makes my life hurt less, thank you.

  5. People who suffer emotional overwhelm never cease to amaze me and the fact you held down two jobs paid worker and mother and you withdrew from psych meds! Amazing! Do you realise just what you have accomplished? And you have had only one week off work? Incredible. And your still creative in your writing. Wow! No way will you lose your son. You are a survivor and so is he!

  6. I think you are wise to re-visit the load you are taking on…we are all rooting for you.

  7. Thank you for speaking about your experience! Know that showing vulnerability is strength and it also gives strength to others to share their stories as well. Best of luck to you!!

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