… I’ve not been very well over the past few months, unsurprising given its autumn and I’m always ravaged by depression at this time of year. I don’t really know why I ever hope it’ll be different. In the last few years I’ve had round the clock anxiety too which has been lots of fun. I haven’t been at my worst thankfully, I’ve had worse than this, but it’s been bad enough that I got signed off work for a little bit, only a week. My doctor wanted me to take longer off, but am trying to keep myself going as much as possible as I don’t want to end up back on medication, which was what the doctor suggested if I continued to get worse. Because I can’t take antidepressants on their own I’d have to take a mood stabiliser and antipsychotic again too, and it was hell getting off them and I struggled to function working full time with a long commute and it would be doubly hard now with a baby to care for too.
It took me a long time to ask for help because I was terrified if I did, they’d take my son from me. That’s my worst nightmare and I was angry at myself for not being magically cured now I have him, for feeling weak and shit. He always makes me happy, was the only thing that did really. But I’ve been feeling like some sort of toy, plugged in and can smile and talk then becoming unplugged into slackness and silence.
So I’m trying my best. I do feel a bit better. I need to take a bit of a look at my life though and think about what I can reasonably cope with. It is so hard in London just trying not to go under.
The state of the world generally has been getting me down too and I haven’t felt like writing. What is there to say anymore that hasn’t been said already? The world is a terrifying shitshow full of unimaginable suffering which is going to become worse and worse. There’s my hot take.
I’ll be back though, just wanted to say hi and explain why I’ve been quite quiet over the last few months.
Oisín is still lovely, though. Here he is on Halloween (he was a punk zombie bit in truth he was just himself with some hairspray and a bit of facepaint). And more for avid Seaneen baby followers…
Filed under: Mental health |