Shout Back

For no reason at all, tonight I’ve got suicide on the brain, which is why I’m sat over here typing because my head is screaming angrily at me. When I have a nice, blue skied, life-is-here kind of day when I feel depressed, I get the idea that it’s a good place to “leave it”. A quiet night at the end of a sunny day.

I’m pissed at myself for this and trying to rally other parts of my brain to shout the voices down. How much of a slap in the face to people like Rob are these thoughts? Spending one day with someone, let alone three years, is taking time out of your life. What is the point when that other person would just kill themselves? What’s the point?

Ah, spiral of guilt. I hate myself for thinking like this. I hate my mind for working this way.

I still want to stop taking medication. You’d probably think, “Yeah, don’t”, but sometimes I get stuck thinking that it would somehow be the solution to all my problems. For all my rhetoric and analysis, I still can’t help thinking in this way.

Wah. Anyway. I have something else on my mind that I’ll write about tomorrow.

EDIT:  It’s 4am and I’m still not asleep, but exhausted.  I have a craving for Coco Pops.

6 Responses

  1. my god. You’ve just described my thoughts last night..

    I feel so guilty for feeling this way. It’s even worse for me knowing my fiancé doesn’t even know I feel like this.

    I also have had cravings for coco pops lately.. maybe there’s something in them!?

  2. hang in there, I use my wife and kids as my “can’t do it reasons” at these times and feel guilty about even thinking about suicide too. I always stick very loud music on (even at work) to try and make myself listen to it instead of what my mind’s forcing on me. Hope you get past it muchos soon

  3. Strange isn’t it? that your mind will constantly play these evil little tricks on you, sometimes even when you feel ‘stable’ they sort of sneak in, then follows the guilt, and then when you find yourself snivelling in a corner, it seems like ‘excessive’ to other people, who seem to think that you can just ‘snap out of it’ ( which my boyfriend told me to do a couple of days ago, really helpful!).
    Hope you are feeling much better, I understand the lack of compliance, especially when you feel ‘numbed’, but the longer you persist with it the better you will feel in the long run.
    Best wishes

  4. It might also help to remember that thoughts of any kind, even of suicide, are just thoughts … thoughts aren’t necessarily choices, and choices aren’t necessarily actions. Feeling guilty for thoughts you can’t control is just another of depression’s tricks, and one you don’t have to fall for. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take these thoughts seriously, just keep in mind that there is more buffer room between thinking and doing than you might see at the moment. I hope that helps.

  5. What’s the point?

    The point is that he knows you and he loves you. He knows the whole Seaneen, not only the one who sometimes wants to kill herself.
    And he knows that you love him back.
    No! It’s enough fighting this feeling. You don’t need this extra struggle.
    “just keep in mind that there is more buffer room between thinking and doing than you might see at the moment. I hope that helps.”
    I second fallingleaf.
    Hope you feel better today.

  6. There’s so much I want to tell, but I don’t know how to express myself without seeming hectoring and belligerent from the sidelines. Keep safe and never give in. I hope you feel better today, too.

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