For no reason at all, tonight I’ve got suicide on the brain, which is why I’m sat over here typing because my head is screaming angrily at me. When I have a nice, blue skied, life-is-here kind of day when I feel depressed, I get the idea that it’s a good place to “leave it”. A quiet night at the end of a sunny day.
I’m pissed at myself for this and trying to rally other parts of my brain to shout the voices down. How much of a slap in the face to people like Rob are these thoughts? Spending one day with someone, let alone three years, is taking time out of your life. What is the point when that other person would just kill themselves? What’s the point?
Ah, spiral of guilt. I hate myself for thinking like this. I hate my mind for working this way.
I still want to stop taking medication. You’d probably think, “Yeah, don’t”, but sometimes I get stuck thinking that it would somehow be the solution to all my problems. For all my rhetoric and analysis, I still can’t help thinking in this way.
Wah. Anyway. I have something else on my mind that I’ll write about tomorrow.
EDIT: It’s 4am and I’m still not asleep, but exhausted. I have a craving for Coco Pops.
Filed under: bipolar, Bipolar 1 Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, depression, how manic depression can impact on your life, manic depression, mental illness Tagged: | bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, depression, manic depression, mental illness