Saw GP today

Quick post, I am shattered.  Went to the GP today and she was absolutely brilliant.  Almost cried with relief. Have been referred back to CMHT (boo) but in the hope that psychological therapy (probably CBT I imagine) is quicker.  She said too that with bipolar she imagines they would want to have CMHT involvement to be on the safe side, even if that’s not what therapy is for.  Also to check my medication.

She was just great.  She didn’t rush me, understood how difficult it was for me to talk about it and was really supportive.  She took me seriously, reassured me it was common and let the appointment overrun. I felt like I could be honest and I was. She was surprised it had taken me so long to properly ask for help with it, but there you go.  She said now could be the start of getting better.

I also mentioned my legs thing and my anxiety that I had blocked arteries and was going to die soon.  She said getting panic attacks sorted first is a priority but she also took my concerns seriously.  I was really scared she’d say, “Oh, you’re anxious!” without understanding how real this has felt to me.  (I managed to take off a toenail yesterday when I ran out of fingernail biting space, that’s how anxious I was).  She took the pulse on my foot and it was strong, which is very reassuring.  I told her I was scared because I was fat (“You’re not that fat”, she said, exasperated.  I am used to EVERY DOCTOR EVER attributing things to my weight, even when I wasn’t overweight, that it’s nice to hear.  And I don’t take fat as an insult so I wasn’t offended, I know she meant it in a, “Your weight is probably not causing this” way) and smoked, and she said that it was unlikely to be peripheral arterial disease at my age, but has referred me for blood tests and said if my leg problems get worse she’ll refer me to the vascular team. Even if I am worrying over nothing and it’s something as stupid as ill fitting shoes, at least I know that if it isn’t, something will be done.  She said if I got the pain it’s important to walk through it so I should get more exercise, too.  I was limping today because I’ve wrecked my toe.

In other news, I really need to stop smoking and stop drinking.  The drinking part will be easy enough (but it’s summer, hiss), but the smoking part I need to brace myself for.  I’ve used NRT without success and I don’t want to be dependent on nicotine, either.  The last time I quit, I used Champix, which was an absolute disaster and which I was told afterwards should never have been given to me.  It was fecking terrifying, it was one of the healthiest and happiest times of my life and then within a week I was completely suicidal.

This time I’m going back to trusty old Allen Carr so I need to get in the zone.  I do want to stop smoking as I spend half my life terrified of what it’s doing to my body.

So, it was a really positive appointment and I left feeling much better. I am completely exhausted as I managed 2 hours sleep, then the appointment was early, then off to work!

I’ve put the previous post back but I’d remind people to be kind or be quiet. I can take a lot on the chin but when someone is struggling and admitting to it in such a public way, it’s not nice to kick them when they’re down and from now I’ll just delete the comments.  If someone said it to my face I’d tell them to feck off, so I’m not taking it here.  Criticism isn’t the same as unkindness. Often when I post, I’m not seeking advice.  I’m venting, seeking experiences or just helping myself find a bit of perspective. Just so you know.

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