There’s a black dog on my shoulder again

I have ironically been very depressed lately.  A combination of the time of year (I always get depressed around this time), not being able to sort out a prescription (Lamictal) which would probably help this mood because the surgery I am is so bad, shit and disorganised that I cannot muster the energy to talk to them since they haven’t yet acted on the instructions of the psychiatrist for the prescription, and circumstances (exhaustion, conflict and stress playing a massive role).  I manage to be fine, but a brave face on sometimes but for the most part, I have been tearful, low and exhausted.  This is, as you’d imagine, putting a strain on a) my new marriage and b) university, which I can barely face right now, and I’m back on placement in 3 weeks, but of course have to.

I haven’t updated here as the shame of being a newlywed depressive has almost flattened me.  This is not how I should be feeling right now, and I am angry and resentful because of it.

Our wedding was wonderful, as was our party in Belfast last week, and I have a half-written post to finish.  I do want to finish it because I want to remember it all, but right now I feel flat and crap.  I will, though.

Anyway, that explains the radio silence. I’m sure I will cheer up.

See you soon.

4 Responses

  1. Sorry to hear you’re feeling rubbish. I agree that time of year can be a big factor in triggering mood changes. Hold on to your happy memories and be nice to yourself – hope it passes soon. Z

  2. Sorry to hear things aren’t so great. Just do what you can. This time of year is also difficult to me. It’s not easy knowing that these lows will come again, and again they do come.

  3. Sorry to hear you’re not feeling so good. It never seems like much help but it will get better. Can you get the other half to order a prescription for you? Or use an online thingy (my surgery uses EMIS and you can order prescriptions online)?

  4. I am so sorry you are feeling rubbish. Everything you describe sounds top of the list for feeling that way. My goddaughter always feels really crap after big happiness scenarios, ie for you – the lead up to getting married, the party, then bumph – down to earth. Your husband loves you, no matter what, don’t feel guilty please for feeling like this. I get sleepless nights stuck on a worry often related to bizzare stuff like why I can’t organise myself to get a repeat script (that one jumped off the page at me). My daughter had to give up uni, due to a medical condition & stress. You dear girl, manage to hang on in there with your studies, your relationship etc. despite the stress you describe. I suppose what I am trying to say is if you need an extension on some work due, do it, don’t beat yourself up over it. Don’t tell anyone but make up a reason if necessary, you are clever so I won’t patronise by thinking up a crap one. That could help to alleviate a little stress & give you some time, just a thought. Most do it, for far lesser reasons than yours. The word perfectionist keeps floating around my mind for some reason. As for not updating your blog, I haven’t written diddly squat on mine for so long I expect I am a laughing stock in the blogging world, so bloody what. Oh and even though I am a cynical menopausal getting wrinkly middle aged woman now, and therefore don’t really believe in light box theories I have gratefully accepted a swanky one from my sister and am dutifully sitting in front of it every morning in the hope all my SAD related stuff magically disappears. I am sorry I can’t remember if ‘the time of year’ you speak of is related to this or bad things that happened at this time for which I apologise. I can’t change that whatever the cause, but you recognising everything you wrote of without falling into an abyss from which you can’t see a way out of is progress. They say baby steps, yet you take massive great leaps, turning your life around. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are so much stronger than you see. Spoil yourself, go on, the feel good factor is worth a go. I am shutting up and going away now. I hope I haven’t said too much and pissed you off & if you think I have just said a load of old crap at least it might make laugh and laughter is good . I guess you really remind me of my goddaughter and because of that I am prepared to make myself look silly in the hope that some tiny thing I have said makes you smile. Take care and I genuinely hope you feel better soon.

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