“Oh dear”, I thought.  “I spent three days asleep.  I keep bursting into tears for no reason.  Every time Robert opens his mouth, every time I open my inbox, every time I pick up the phone, read a sentence, watch an advert, I think they’re criticising me.  And why wouldn’t they?  I’m so crap.  I’m so stupid and ugly and hideous.  No wonder I didn’t get accepted to King’s.  No wonder everyone hates me.  I just want to eat.  I just want to eat chicken and chocolate and go back to bed in my pyjamas.  I stink like shit.  I haven’t washed in days.  I can’t face doing any of my work.  I have no energy.

Am I getting depressed again?  But there’s no reason to be depressed.  And that’s always a bad sign.  Oh shit, oh bollocks.  Not again.  I can’t do this again”.

Then a day later, curled in the foetal position, a powerful pulse of pain.  I reached for the painkillers and cancelled the evening.  And then I realised.  I’m not depressed.  It’s just, y’know.


Never been so grateful to be doubled up in agony.  I was getting worried.  I have become hyper-vigilant to my moods.  I’m constantly waiting for another episode of something to knock me on my arse into the dust.    I sometimes forget I’m the type of woman who gets down and emotional and thinks plants are calling her fat when I’m Y’KNOW.

Today I feel normal again.  And I view my five days of bursting into tears at Andrex ads like a little bit of a holiday.  This is why I missed my periods when they stopped dead from stress.  I remember when I wasn’t using tampons but I was using Lithium and listening to women moan about PMS.  I felt a sense of grief at how natural and how uncomplicated that was.  There is something so wonderfully ordinary, something that makes me feel part of the human race, about being a woman on her period.

But there are no jaffa cakes left.

FAKE EDIT: I’m aware some of you will read this and roll your eyes.  Please feel free to discuss CHICKEN, JAFFA CAKES or FEMINISM in the comments instead.

17 Responses

  1. Go Seaneen!! This is awesome.

  2. Oooh chocolate *goes and gets some*

  3. One of the side affects of the anti-depressant I am on is a really pronounced reduction in menstrual pain. How awesome is that?!?

  4. YAY! Not depression!

    Also, YAY! Jaffa Cakes!

    • Also, thanks. Because it’s nice to know that there is life after TEH MENTALS, that “wonderfully ordinary” can be part of the future.

  5. I really wish pms would announce what it was when it arrives (“This is pms speaking, you will feel crap for a few days, but fear not, I won’t be staying long”, instead of playing the ‘am I depressed or just an evil cow’ game, leaving you to wonder for days what the heck is happening.
    Sending virtual Jaffas. Mmmm.

  6. That blob is an amazing dude. He looks like a chad or a weimaraner’s bum.

  7. Chicken. Seriously. Eggs are like chicken period. Do they get PMS? “Brawwwwk!”

    Anyway, glad that it ain’t depression.
    I get PMS like that. Just not every month and since my periods don’t come at the same time every month, it’s all so confusing!
    But, still, yay! You’ll be a-okay yet, m’dear. 😀

  8. […] is not depressed: Am I getting depressed again? But there’s no reason to be depressed. And that’s always a bad […]

  9. Depression is usually defined as a psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death as a final means of peace and tranquility. While most people do suffer occasional down time, some people are more prone to feel this way consistently, and they are the ones who should seek professional help.

  10. I had a similar attack like this a few months back. I thought I was having a really bad day crying hysterically and all over the place and then when I started bleeding I was so relieved I wasn’t going completely insane.

  11. oh the implant is AWFUL! ditch it if you can meanwhile for the moods try B6 PMDD is a BITCH…..and very real

  12. London Counselling

    Hi everyone!

    It is very nice to know that now a days many people around the world and busy in the promotion and publication of mental health issues. People suffering from such diseases are generally reluctant to go for their complete medical check up. I suggest to all of them to take advantage of a dedicated team of mental health specialists at London Counselling.

  13. Depression does not discriminate in regards to its sufferers. People that have depression can be any age, any gender, ethnicity, culture, or religious affiliation. Every year more than 17 million Americans, both men and women, are affected by depression. Clinical depression is a very common medical disorder. However, it is quite often not recognized or goes untreated or undiagnosed.

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