Edited this post, I think I have enough comments now. Few months to decide. Realistically, I feel I’m going to push ahead with this year. A large part of me just really wants to get started, I spend so much time reading student nurse forums and feeling jealous. My non-realistic side is saying, “Follow the dream! The insanely competitive dream!” From people “in the know” (nurses, lecturers), I’ve been very strongly advised to go this year due to intake cuts next year. So who knows. I’ve spent the past four days asleep so I think I’m a little bit down anyway and it’s clouding my judgement a little.
If I’m being really, painfully honest, I just hoped to feel all excited about it all, and I’m not. This is a once in a lifetime thing, really. After fucking up my education so badly the first time around, I never imagined I’d even get to university. I’d allowed myself to hope I’d get to the place I was so desperate to go to. Then I messed up my interview! Whoops. I’d hoped I’d be all happy and celebratory when I got my (just the one for now) offer. I really wanted to be, I tried to be. I wasn’t, that’s passed, and there it is, all gone. I think I am just disappointed about that, almost above all else. I wanted another go at it so I was excited instead of anxious and worried (at the moment I cry almost every time I think about it all). I wanted to feel proud of myself, like I’d achieved something, but I don’t feel that way. That’s my own fault, though, that’s my own ridiculously high standards that I set for myself. I have a perfectionist streak a mile wide, and I am competitive, as much as I don’t like to admit to it sometimes. But yeah, it’s just a moment in time, it doesn’t matter. Future does, so, suck it up, eh?
I don’t have my certificates yet, so I may end up with nothing, which would be hilarious.
Thanks for the advice, chaps. x
Filed under: university