I think I might be in the Observer magazine on Sunday

(Edit; Not writing about world events right now as it would sound trite, but I hope Japanese readers out there are okay).

I think, anyway.  I’m not entirely sure but I wrote about confessional blogging for them, and to my knowledge it’s being published on Sunday.  So if you want to read it, there you go!  It’s about the pros (and pitfalls) of being a non-anonymous blogger.  I haven’t read the final edit of it so it’ll be a surprise to me, too!

So much for not blogging anymore, eh?  I sneakily lost about 70% of my readers in the process, which I don’t mind, and I’m a lot more comfortable here now I have privated a lot of my posts.  I let the domain lapse, too, which I regret a bit, but I didn’t know how to sort it out.  I had started to become freaked out by it all, which I’ve explained before (see above post).  This is a quieter place now, come to my lounge, let us drink tea and talk of times past!

If this is going to be a pluggy self obsessed post, I may as well get it all out the way now…

I wrote an article for lovely One in Four, too, about recovery.  Their current issue is now out. It’s over here:

http://www.oneinfourmag.org/index.php/what-does-recovery-mean/

I also have a backlog of emails to respond to- I’ve been on a shitty mobile connection for two months and I haven’t been keeping up. I was doing blog posts on Word then emailing them and copying and pasting.  I’m aware it’s self important to say such things, but I feel like an arse for not replying to emails when I know the balls it takes people to write them.

I finally have Internet Proper, which means streaming Robocop and fantasising about making tiny armour for the cat.  Aside from wasting my time doing that, I am inundated with school work, which is pretty much sapping my life.   The knockback from KCL somewhat dented my momentum on my course, but I’m shaking it off and trotting on.  I missed my ICT class tonight due to needing to do a presentation on Tuesday.  About polycystic ovarian syndrome.  Anything  you need to know and be delivered nervously on endocrine disorders, I’m yer girl.

Aside from that, I really have almost nothing to say for myself!  I have inadvertently become someone who tidies up the kitchen without being asked.   I have more than two clean dishes on the go at a time.  I’ve taken up fucking BAKING.  Life is quiet and mostly happy. Except…I am struck often by the feeling I am wasting my life and that I have wasted the past five years. I had all this time, and what did I do with it but bitch and moan?  I haven’t done much, haven’t written much that I wanted to (still haven’t written a bloody book, but that’s due to fighting discomfort about being that open to boots in the balls), few jobs, no qualifications.  Starting again, in a way, twenty five and potless for pissing, screwing my eyes up at Harvard referencing and dreaming of being a nurse-writer, or a writer-nurse, depending on how infuriating I am finding the formally mentioned Harvard referencing.  But then I find myself on the toilet downloading PDFs about mental health nursing and psychology and reading them in bed or at the bus stop.

It’s something I’m finding hard to face and reconcile- I know, rationally, I haven’t wasted my life, I’ve done Stuff, some interesting, awesome, fun and unusual stuff.  (Radio 4 is still surreal when I think about, working with Rethink has always been brilliant and fun things are as fun as running over the, “This is a fucking deathtrap” bridge in the Dog Kennel Hill Adventure Playground on Wednesday, and smiling, fondly, like a mum, at the football table I’d gotten for Robert two Christmasses ago, residing happily between the warring arms of two teenagers in the youth portacabin).  I know this, but part of my surprise at enjoying baking and doing the dishes, being domestic, is because I don’t feel 25, as my life- the 9-5 working life, the saving-up-for-the-future-life (impossible on benefits) stopped when I was 21.  I might have had a 15 month old baby by now.  When I hear upstairs’ baby bawling its balls off at 1am I’m relieved, and then I hear it laughing at 8am, and I feel, briefly, wistful.

It’s ordinary, it’s a normal feeling to have.  Everyone goes through phases of thinking, “My life is a waste!” and wishing they were more windswept, more interesting.  They’ll write that novel and travel the world and they don’t, few do. Some try, have a kind of spasmodic crisis.  But it’s not a waste.  Not really. I know this, too.

I’m still doing fine.  Bit hermitty and lonesome, as my social life is dead these days.  I’m too busy doing school work anyway.   I continue to look as though I am storing food in my cheeks.   My writing ability has somewhat deserted me, and it takes a lot more effort to write than I’m used to. I keep missing out words. I know this, I was aware of this before. But it’s irritating, especially as I have essays. They’re supposed to sound dull and dry. But duller and drier still. Ah well.  I am mostly happy, though.  Having small adventures.

There’s a tank in Bermondsey.

Photobucket

Go and visit it if you’re in London, it’s here!  It’s just there, at the corner of a street on one of the busiest roads in the city, near the monolithic Elephant and Castle.  It’s like walking into an animation.

Anyway, I’m tired, sick of looking at Powerpoint and bibbling!  Goodnight!

9 Responses

  1. There’s many many ways of wasting five years Seaneen. Imagine getting up early five or six days a week for a job you hated, coming home so exhausted you sleep on the couch, then drag yourself to bed at two or three and spending the little time you have off doing dull essentials like supermarket shopping, post office queueing… I’m not knocking working (I’m describing a life I once lived) but if you think “how much did I achieve that I wanted to despite the circumstances I was in?” the truth is probably that you achieved a lot.

    You became very well informed about an illness that afflicts millions less equipped than you to articulate experiences that are by their very essence outside the norm. And it may be a cliche but cliches are usually true: you probably really are stronger for having been ill. That’s just two things.

    I know you lost a lot, but you did also gain a rare understanding of extremes most people are perhaps lucky not to go to, but also frightened of. They say knowledge is power, so in a sense, you’re a more powerful person now than you’d be without those five “lost” years …

  2. Well, said Gledwood. And Seaneen, don’t under-estimate the name you have made for yourself writing. You know…it may be the very thing that actually becomes the core of your life. You never know. You might even find you don’t have time for nursing…. 🙂
    You have a rare connection.
    By the way, I received posts from you for awhile that couldn’t be opened. I was wondering if I’d get to read your posts again. Maybe that happened to the other 70%?

    • It did indeed, it’s because I made a lot of my blog private while I sorted out university and eventually became completely knackered of people quoting old, old posts back to me as proof of what an unsuitable for nursing or life in general eejit I am. I’ll put them back up eventually. I did have to stop and private for a while, I was just sick of it, and I do think that blogging too much, and being too entrenched in the identity of mental illness, is counterproductive and damaging.

  3. Hello Seaneen,
    I like the tank very apt for you. You seem to be a lot more rational and I hope you were paid for your article, you should be rewarded for your writing. I see you are also writing in the very early morning.!!! Good Luck,
    David.

  4. I’m so, so happy for you – long may it continue! X

  5. Really enjoyed reading the ‘one in four’ Article and can relate to alot of it. Especially the parts about being boring🙂 I also wouldn’t put myself in the surviour movement, but don’t relate to those are unwell either……its a strange but good place to be.

    I was thinking about how I’ve wasted my life the other day, probably 13 years. But we have both done alot of things whilst being ill and as someone said already there are many, many ways of wasting five years. All in all I would say you coped well considering!

    x x x x

  6. Hello Seaneen, Just a thought have you tried attending any Bi Polar Organization meetings, they are not all good, but I ran one with help from a wonderful lady friend, who supported me and my wife. I use to attend different meetings to learn and support them, this is if you accept you might have the illness.
    Kind regards, David.

  7. Hello Seaneen,
    It is in their and very well written to. I like the aspect that you are not letting the illness take complete control of your life and get on with living within its constraints. Good Luck,
    David.

  8. […] (Edit; Not writing about world events right now as it would sound trite, but I hope Japanese readers out there are okay). I think, anyway.  I’m not entirely sure but I wrote about confessional blogging for them, and to my knowledge it’s being published on Sunday.  So if you want to read it, there you […] Read More […]

What say you? Comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: