I am saying cheerio for a while, because I need a break from being up my own hole. I still want to be involved in mental health activism and writing, so for any of those reasons, please do email me! I am still happy to be involved. It still means the world to me.
This whole blog is private now, and can’t be read anymore. I have been thinking about doing it for a few months. I won’t delete it- this is almost four years of my life, here! But I do want it to be, well, secret, for a while. This will be my last post here for the foreseeable.
The last post highlighted and crystalised something that has been bothering me for a while, given the public nature of this blog. Anything I have written- from yesterday to three and a half years ago- about things that happened- either yesterday, or ten years ago- can be found here. In some ways, that’s useful for people, and for me, to look back and see where I’ve come from. In others, though, it brings up things- events, mindsets, even writing styles- that I have moved on from, and makes my past present.
These days, I am doing much better. I’m not recovered- I don’t think I ever will be. It’s something I am doing one day at a time (that hideous, vomitous cliche), without knowing if I will be returned to the worst. The experiences have a scarring tentacle hold, lashed around your arms, legs, chest. They will always be there. But I am recovering. The swings are less severe, regulated to months and weeks, and I have learned to manage them, in some way. If you know what to look for, well, you can see. I still have the jittery demeanor of somebody waiting to be caught out.
However, there are parts of myself enshrined here that I don’t recognise anymore. And it’s just a younger person, a more dogmatic one. I’m not like that anymore. I have grown up.
Part of wonders if it’s just unhealthy to be given to analysis, and I wonder…well, I wonder…if I stop looking, what I might find instead.
I’ve gotten a lot from it- not just friends, community and a place to speak about uncomfortable topics without being judged or ridiculed (for the most part). But lots of opportunities like BBC Ouch, One in Four and a radio play, (which still gobsmacks me!), stuff with Rethink and Mind, which hopefully they’ll allow me to continue. And (some puzzling) accolades. I have no idea why people read it, or where they came from, but I am proud of it. It’s not out of shame, because I’m not ashamed. I’m not trying to deny, nor forget, the things I’ve written about here.
I just don’t want them to be so public for the moment. I’ll still continue writing about it all in other places, and participating in things. And I may even finally belt out the bloody book. It’s fundamentally incompatible with what I’m doing right now, with university, and trying to get better. One has to go for now, so it will be this. At very least, I’ll return some posts to the archive at some point.
Right now, I need to be elsewhere and have the freedom from worry about everything already being out there, without the chance to speak for myself, now, as it is, as I am.
Sorry if this sounds like a histrionic Oscar acceptance speech- after almost four years, it doesn’t feel right to just shut down shop, without acknowledging the support and kindness you lot have given me.
Anyway, thank you, commenters, readers, voices both positive, negative, critical and comforting, for offering advice and for kicking me up the arse, and for everything. Thank you for the 14,000 comments and the 3735 emails. And for understanding when I am often too rubbish to properly respond.
You can always reach me at anne dot elk at gmail dot com (and please, don’t be shy about doing so, about anything) or update your bookmarks to http://www.seaneenmolloy.co.uk, which I’ll now begin using again, to write about different things.
Onwards! As a snotty writer, as a pretentious student, and as a mentalist.
Take care, and cheerio.
And here’s Neil Innes!
Filed under: Bipolar Disorder