The end of the crisis

People are commenting about how they’ve never cried into anything as classy as tiramisu- if it’s any consolation, earlier today I cried into a jumper that I didn’t realise the cats had weed on until I paused for a second. Swings and roundabouts, lovelies.

I was discharged from the crisis team today, at my own request. It’s been blood out of a stone. They asked if they could see me one more time over the weekend but I told them that I honestly found them intrusive and I Just want to be left alone. This is entirely true- something has shifted in me within the past few months, I have kind of shut down to it all, and I want to get on with it. If I die, well, shit one, but it’s on my watch. I don’t feel much better at all, but even in that tiny room, flanked by a nurse (a very lovely one who was extremely friendly) and my social worker, I started to feel frantic and suffocated. People were just talking at me, am I at risk, am I going to hurt myself, what will I do if I want to hurt myself. I couldn’t handle it, and just nodded a lot, then when I got out of there I started crying in the street. Now, isn’t that wonderful. But it was too overwhelming and I just wanted to be alone.

I have citalopram, but the psychiatrist wasn’t there. I had hoped he would be because I wanted to ask him some questions. I still don’t know what my actual diagnosis is and I would like to, because I got the impression that the doctor I saw (who I had seen before, a few years ago) didn’t agree with BPD, either. They can say it’s labels all they want, but it matters, especially to my default category on this blog. When I asked about side effects (the PI sheet wasn’t inside), I was told to google them. Which I would have done anyway. I’m worried about gaining weight, but at this point, I don’t care and also (much shock), I don’t really mind my weight too much anymore. They had Zopiclone too for my “sleep problems” which utterly baffled me and which I refused. For a start, we’re way beyond Zopiclone now, I was on Seroquel for two years, Zoplicone is the pea under the 100 mattresses. And I don’t have a problem getting to sleep when I’m down. My problem was that I was sleeping far too much- I was deliberately depriving myself of sleep to try and lift my mood. When I got past about 30 hours awake I’d be too buzzed to sleep, but I have Seroquel for it, when I need it.

My social worker called Robert and asked if him I was okay. He said yes, as I am, mostly. I am very down but gosh darn it if I didn’t become a non-self destructive adult somewhere along the way. I don’t know when this happened, but I am No Longer Dysfunctional. I am down, but it’s depression, it’s not manifesting itself in any crazy ways and it isn’t squeaking out into my life (mostly because I have barely seen anybody). I am coping, and I am proud of that. It’s manifesting in some other ways, some physical ones that are embarrassing, but hey. I probably sound like I’m cracked out half the time, but I have reached a point of not really caring. So hooray! That’s what I’ll keep telling myself anyway.

Anyway, I have bugger all plans for the weekend other than more hibernation. Yourself?

PS: I am slightly drunk on one bottle of beer. Should have eaten more than a ham sandwich.

11 Responses

  1. “When I asked about side effects (the PI sheet wasn’t inside), I was told to google them.”

    WTF? Is that what we pay our taxes for – so that the NHS can tell people to go away and Google it?

    Flaming Nora.

  2. Sounds like you deserve a really good weekend, I hope you have one, and then another, and……………well you get the message. Be kind to yourself girl, and I hope everyone else gets infected with that.

    PS I really do have a spare Canon lens, yours for the asking. I want to see more of your pictures, they are stunning.

  3. re: your discovering of cat pee and in another post of cat poo. I awoke this morning to find dog poo in the hallway at 730 am. I mention the time only because I was still in a seroquel haze and cleaning it up was possibly hilarious for someone else to watch but not fun to attempt.

    I like to spend my time crying on the floor (for extra dramatics of course!)… on the floor of my room, on floor of the bathroom, if there is a floor i’ll cry on it.

    I want to hibernate this weekend, but fuck that shit I’m making myself go out b/c my friend has been in far away lands and is now finally back after 2 years and she deserves a semi-lively friend to come back to.

    • Hello

      New to site. Been following you for a couple of days now. Much more interesting than Cosmo! The comment about dog poo has prompted me to something I have never done before and that is write something on a site like this but here goes! Very briefly after 25 years of severe depression, suicide attempts, lost husbands, lost jobs, lost almost absolutely fucking everything I was finally diagnosed with what I have known for years. Bipolar am treated reasonably successfully with abilify, Prozac and sleeping pills, but I am getting to the dig poo bit… The one thing that has had an amazing stabilising effect on my moods and my family, after many years of turmoil, is my dog. She has been with me a year now and no matter how bad life is she needs to be walked (always a mood lifter) fed and she loves me unconditionally. She keeps my life in something that remotely resembles a routine and I can honestly say she has done me the world of good. Have others out there been helped by their pets I wonder? Yours in madness Jx

  4. I was talking to my therapist today about the possibility of involuntary hospitalization today. That’s the only way I could go since I can’t afford it and since I’m in school and won’t promise them that I won’t EVER be able to work I’m not technically “disabled” according to American rules. So it would have to be involuntary. I’ve been in “rehabs” and they don’t really do anything except give me a break from the outside world, dope me up and feed me crap food. So I don’t know what to do.

    I was recently informed that not only am I Bipolar II w/ mixed cycles which is a joy in itself but I also have “tendencies” of BPD. I have no idea what to do with that … Lord knows I’ve tried since I have been back and forth on both diagnoses. It somehow never occurred to me that I could be both and that’s a bit devastating… though I’m trying to be rational about it. It’s like I could handle the Bipolar thing since it’s supposed to be something to do with my chemistry and brain but the BPD thing seems impossible. I figure you know what I’m talking about.

    I want a beer myself but I can’t afford it since I can’t keep a job and I can’t even put gas in my car at the moment to drive to the grocery store to get the beer!

    I also know about the hibernating. I’ve been stuck in my room trying to make myself study but so far have been in this rut of obsessively reading articles on the internet and half-watching t.v. … and wishing I could just sleep all of the time or just be fine for once.

    Also… if this neighbor’s dog doesn’t stop yelping I’m going to break something.

    Sorry… perhaps I should start my own blog instead of going off on your own. Either way, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Best of luck on your weekend. Sounds like it will be similar to mine.


  5. “They asked if they could see me one more time over the weekend but I told them that I honestly found them intrusive and I Just want to be left alone.”

    They sound like a desparate boyfriend that you’ve just broken up with.

  6. I too found the crisis team approach intrusive. not quite sure what it was supposed to achieve. when they told me they were ‘pulling out’ (like they were military personnel withdrawing from a war zone) I was relieved.

  7. You’ve stolen a pram? They say its all labels but the rest of the world works by labels so what makes them so special? Im assuming that they suspended their anti label posture when they took their exams.

    There’s tiramisu and tiramisu, a lot of people think they have cried into it and are mistaken.

  8. Citalopram is one of the anti-ds I have tried, no noticeable effects, good, bad or merely interesting. Have just started Sereoquel so at least I have been sleeping a bit. I hope you’re having a good weekend and that you are better without the crisis team

  9. hi, citalopram put me in a mixed state. I can never use it again.

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