And the fate of my first love

Not my only love.  But my first, and possibly my last.  I am lucky, I shouldn’t forget that. I feel quite lonely at the moment but I’m not alone.  I keep thinking everybody is better off without me but then I think my little sister would be hurt if I wasn’t there for her birthday this month.  I have to thank CBT for this, in a way, it really helped, I can sometimes, when I focus, interrupt horribly thoughts with more rational, in the moment ones.  They’re diversions, not things I am entirely committed to, but it helps.  I just don’t want to break the people that I lean on.

Thank you for comments on my previous posts.  They are lovely, and it highlights a strangeness when putting something into writing, rather than verbalising it  People often focus on the form, rather than the message (a post about suicide being complimented- that is strange! Stranger still because for the most part I speak in the same manner that I write)  But I appreciate and prefer this, especially as I’ve struggled to write lately.  So thank you.  I still feel quite uncomfortable writing here at the moment, but have done so just to bibble, so if things disappear, don’t be surprised or take it as a strop.

I slept most of the day. I took some Seroquel for assistance as I’d been nudging into two days of (intentional) no sleep and couldn’t get to sleep naturally or with Nytol.   I could quite easily have stayed up, because not sleeping does help my mood, but for sense’s sake I thought I needed to sleep.  For hours I was swaddled in dreamy numbness, which I liked.  I understand why people are drugged.  I haven’t really moved from the sofa this week but it’s preferable not to move just out of floatiness rather than any other reasons.  It hasn’t been a bad day.  Not a productive one but blankness is quite nice.  I am going to do another list on my chalkboard and resist writing the self-abuse (a few choice words) I wanted to when I looked at it earlier.

Today is my consultation evening at Birkbeck College to see whether I can study their evening part time Access to Nursing (or possibly Social Care, because I can’t decide, and my decision making skills have buggered off, I will probably take a deep breath and decide on the door step.  It will probably be Nursing, though) course there.  I’m going to go along.  Despite the fact I have wanted to write for a living pretty much forever, I do need a day job.  subject to study psychology at degree level. Maybe educational psychology would be great. Ignore all this bullshit about people with mood disorders and bipolar disorder being brilliant writers; if you want to make a living out of it, you need to be consistent and my moods actively fuck me up in that respect.  Sometimes I can write lots, and elegantly, sometimes I am incoherent, sometimes I can’t write and/or have no faith in myself, which you need, too.  You have to be proactive and ballsy, and I am neither when I’m down.  And then not being makes me feel even worse.  That’s why all those famous moody artists and actors came from rich families.  They had a fallback. Argh.  I don’t feel like I can handle studying at the moment, or anything else, really, but I know if I don’t go and try I will hate myself for it.

I’m quite scared, so wish me luck.  Also wish me luck that a personal budget will fund it- if not, then I shan’t be studying it, as I don’t have a grand and a half down the back of the sofa.  Nor anything of value to sell.

When I think far into the future, everything goes kind of blank, so I need to think in the short term.  And for tonight, Birkbeck!  And possibly a wash and shave as my leg hair is getting so long it’s practically starting to dread and I mistook them for my cats.

12 Responses

  1. I’ve been away for a bit, so I’ve spent the past half an hour or so catching up on some of your recent posts. They’ve been really wonderful, the last one especially.
    Best of luck for tonight! I’m willing to bet that there’s at least 6 quid in 20p coins down the back of my sofa – if I can dig it all out you’re welcome to it. Any more than that though and it’s going in my panic student debt mitigation jar😛

  2. Good Luck. I believe in you. You’d make a terrific nurse or a social worker or a writer. Doesn’t much matter which one you choose, you can always change your mind later on, even if it is complicated. Life is complicated. Go for it!

    Lola x

  3. Best of luck for tonight!

  4. Good luck, lady. You can do it. x

  5. All the best!

  6. good luck with birbeck… by now you will know if you are accepted for the course… it is very reassuring to read about the issues you have with your mood and trying to do anything… i also would like to write .. dreams of being a columnist… but mood wise it is not an option… there is so much to manage with this illness… make sure you seek support from birbeck when you study… do not be afraid to ask for an extension … do not be afraid to talk to a lecturer… fingers crossed for the grant… if i had a spare thousand pound i would share… look forward to hearing of your success…

  7. Good luck, Seaneen. Will be thinking of you as you’re round the corner from me later on.

  8. Hope it goes well at Birkbeck, they are supportive and so on. Good luck. ;o)

  9. Good luck!! xx

  10. Lots and lots of luck! I have every faith in you🙂 x

  11. Hey. Can completely relate to wanting to be a writer but the whole inconsistency in regard to moods – makes it so difficult! I’m currently studying for a Masters in Creative Writing too. Best of luck – you can be what you want to be, and don’t have to be just one thing! follow your heart.

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