I hid my last blog entry for the reasons I stated in the entry i.e paranoia! And edited another for the same reason.
I had a social worker appointment yesterday and apparently the receptionist told her to come down because I seemed high. I don’t think I did, I just didn’t notice the disabled access thing by the toilet so had a swing on it (and why not?) and walked around a bit. I am highly amused at this, though, I can imagine a big red button they hit behind reception when someone is being mental. The thing is, the line is so blurred these days. I mean, is that a bluetooth headset, or is that guy schizophrenic?
Anyway, my social worker thinks I’m getting (hypo?)manic, or am, and I had to beg off crisis team involvement. I like them as people, they’re lovely and friendly, but they eat into your day, you have to be in when they call, they don’t leave “Sorry You Were Out” cards like the Royal Mail do when they pretend to ring your doorbell.
She asked to speak to Robert instead, to see if he’s dealing okay. He is, and he is not worried about me. For a start, my temperament suits him and he appreciates hyperness and strangeness. He asks me to sleep but apart from that I don’t need him to care for me in anyway. He says his relaxed attitude is maybe wrong, but there you go. A prescription for zopiclone was pushed through my letterbox today- it’s a week’s script signed by the psychiatrist. (It was initially denied to me by the GP who thinks I’m “high risk” for overdosing, despite having done so only four times in my life, twice of those as a teenager) I don’t know if I’ll get it from the chemist’s or not. Part of me misses sleeping and the ritual of sleep and part of me likes not sleeping much, although I wake up and find more often than not that I am violently shaking. She also told him that the crisis team and crisis centre were available, should I need them, or he need them.
I’m not worried, either. Robert agrees with the social worker and I probably am a bit high (I have a few symptoms and it tallies with my past experience: racing thoughts, insomnia, talking a lot, impulsivity, I guess, non-stop fidgeting and have been more active and full of energy, productive in the sense of getting more than usual done and doing more, but not that creatively because I’m still having trouble concentrating, things or people going too slow piss me off and irritate me so sometimes I sound like Robert’s mum shouting, “Come on!” at him. and also really quite happy, though “grandiose” too, if my social worker is to be believed) but I feel good and I don’t want help, nor would I take any medication for it harder than zopiclone (and nor would the psychiatrist prescribe it, as he doesn’t think I have bipolar and nor do I most of the time. My social worker does). Although the background of white noise is annoying sometimes, and I keep getting my speech mixed up (and had a dark moment of panic last night when I suddenly realised one day my name would be on a gravestone with a number after it, as would Robert’s, but it passed quickly), I mostly feel a lot more positive than I have done in a long time. My next appointment is on Monday and no psychiatric appointment is scheduled so nobody is too worried and hopefully I won’t be pushed into anything. I just feel better and I’d like to carry on. Yes, lack of sleep is troubling and physically wrecking me but it’s better than sleeping too much, wasting the day and feeling depressed. I know I might become depressed but right now I’m not at risk to myself, I’m functioning (mostly) okay, things between Robert and me are amazing and he is not worried, so, that’ll do me!
Filed under: Bipolar Disorder