This post is bought to you by the letter B

Hello!  I’m back, broke and burned.  All of two days away, but still, why not announce it with outrageous derring do? Swash!  Buckle!

The trip to Broadstairs was a failure in terms of getting sleep, despite the opulent bed and relative peace.  I managed three hours on Sunday night and was awake again by 1.30am.  I watched a bit of a video and then went wandering by the sea in the dark, smoking furiously and getting lost.  I came back, I read some, then went out again for another walk.  I was the only guest there so I inspected all the other empty rooms and used the private toilet of one of them, feeling rather smug. At least, I hope the rooms were empty and I wasn’t just plonking myself down on a cold toilet seat being stared at by a small French family.  I did some writing on the beach.  The man who ran the place was lovely and made me a ham sandwich because every single shop for buying such things closed by 8pm.  He reminded me a lot of Rob’s dad, the kind of man whose gentleness radiates from them, who would be happy to spend a morning teaching you the intricacies of sheep shearing, who’d let you run your hands across the soft wool.

Robert joined me on Monday evening, since I thought it would be nice for him to see the seaside, too.  He hates sand, but he’ll have to overcome that phobia considering one day he’ll be buried up to his neck in it by pirates mistaking his bicorne for an insult to their people.  We walked to Ramsgate, a very English place.  I slept for an extremely fitful six hours on Monday night, and now it’s Wednesday morning at 4am and I’m awake again, after trying to sleep but having too many thoughts chainsawing through my head and generally feeling twitchy.

It wasn’t a waste, though, I did have a lovely time away.  The B&B was on a residential street, a rather generic looking one, but it backed onto the sea, across to Belgium, 123 miles away, or thereabouts.  It was owned by a cat called Merlin, who’s one of those thin, slightly ragged cats whom when you stroke him gives under your hands, you can feel the bones, he hasn’t got the reassuring mantle of fluff that younger cats too.  He was a big mouth of mrow.  I feel peaceful by the sea and it did calm me down somewhat.  Today on the beach we ran from a seagull the size of an airplane.   It was probably the same one that shat in Robert’s latte from a great height while he was gearing up to say something sarcastic.

Some photos because I love my camera.

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The best one was this, though:

It should be cock.

I spoke to my social worker via email to cancel our Monday appointment and found out that the GP won’t prescribe me anything to help me sleep as I have a history of overdoses and he won’t take the risk.  This irks me slightly as I have overdosed four times.  Okay, four times more than most, but twice was in my teens before I understood what overdosing was, and twice as an adult- one in the midst of a depression that made me believe animals lived in my walls and being at home made me feel unsafe and terrified, and once after I spent most of the year depressed then took Effexor.  I’m not an impulsive overdose-ee, and not at risk to myself.  Mentally, I am fairly cheerful, if not brain-buzzed, but physically I am falling to bits because of lack of sleep.  That combined with completely losing my appetite, bloodshot eyes, legs and hands that keep going numb, cold sores and spot outbreaks means I’m not a pretty specimen right now.  I’m quite irritable, which isn’t fun for Robert.  Make up helps the face, though, and it means I can pull off bits of my flaky skin.

I shall be throwing myself into work for the next week as I feel more enthused about writing and want to make £100,000 somewhere so I can have a houseboat.  And also really rather desperately need to do something with my life.

16 Responses

  1. I absolutely *LOVE* that bottom picture! It rocks. I do hope that you get some sleep soon, being sleep deprived is truly hideous.

    Lola x

  2. haha I love that Photo, I also hate sand too, especially between my toes ewww, gives me the shivers. Thats pretty shit about the sleeping tablets. I’ve OD’d 11 times (not something I’m proud of) and I’m still on sleeping tablets, but daily dispense. Could you ask for a small number to be dispensed? Or daily dispense? You’re not planning on taking them for a long period of time.

    Ah well Seaneen, hope you have a nice week and glad you enjoyed your time away
    x x x x

  3. Great pictures. I am with Helen – I think you should ask if they will give you a small number at a time or something. Last time I was prescribed Zopiclone my GP made my mum pick them up (she wrote a not to the pharmacist all over the back of the script – ‘do NOT let Bip pick this up, her mother must pick them up and give her one on alternate days’, which was ermm embarrassing) and dispense them, but you should be able to get them dispensed from the pharmacy a few days at a time or something. Not getting enough sleep is bad. Makes you feel shit. Or it does me anyway. x

  4. I’m glad the trip wasn’t a waste. It is always good to go away and have a change of scenery.

    That’s a bit crap about your GP and not getting sleepers. I would go see them and ask for a couple at a time and the option to repeat if they are worried about overdose. I have been on weekly or fortnightly scripts for ages as I’m not trusted and I’ve only ODed twice really, both times planned, not impulsively. A pain but I guess they just want me to be safe.

  5. Alternatively if the stupid idjits refuse medication to help you sleep even with restrictions. Ask for a referral to a sleep clinic then appeal causing them untold hassle when the PCT refuses on the grounds that sleep deprivation is making you ill. If they consider you unsuitable for medication then they have a duty of care to provide appropriate alternatives. Surely they do or is that just me thinking the NHS gives a shit!

  6. As a rapid cycling bipolar sufferer myself, the only thing that solves the sleep/appetite issue is pot. Didn’t start smoking weed until I was 29, and I’ve managed to completely get myself off of clonazepam thanks to light use of marijuana. Generally I’ll take a few hits around dinner time, which is enough to allow me to eat some kind of dinner, although admittedly still not much – then about a half a gram before bed settles my brain enough that I sleep well. If I wake up in the middle of the night, another half gram. The beauty of pot is that it only makes you sleepy for an hour or so – meaning that you don’t have to plan ahead to ensure that you’ll have 10 hours before you have to be awake and functional.

  7. This might sound daft, but could you hear the sea from your hotel room? If the sound of the waves made you calm then maybe a CD of waves would help ‘top you up’ when you’re feeling anxious or depressed at home?

    As for sleeping itself, I often take Valerian which is a totally natural supplement and after about 10 nights of taking it, it really kicks in and you get a good sleep. No grogginess the next day either!

    Of course, I’d advice you to talk to your GP first before taking it but it might be worth a try. 😉

    BTW, you take lovely photographs….even the ‘Penis’ one! Haha

  8. Personally, I found those noise CD’s gave me horrible anxiety reactions. I’m sure that’s an original quirk though, and it’s certainly worth a try.

    I used Valerian for about six months, and then found that its effects wore off. I then tried Melatonin which worked for about two months and then wore off.

    While they worked, however, they worked wonderfully. I could probably try them again and get some use out of them… but I would guess that my tolerance will kick in quicker each time.

  9. Wonderful photos! You have some talent theeere. 🙂

  10. Glad you enjoyed the trip even if it didn’t help the sleep any.

    Take care,

  11. You took some great photos, looked like a nice place to be. I really hope you find sleeping easier real soon, nights with little sleep are really draining.
    Take Care
    Cat x

  12. I loved the penis photo.No trip to the seaside is complete for me without the big penis on the beach thing. It has given me a lot of pleasure over the years.

    I do not understand why its almost impossible to mention Broadstairs without following it with Kent. Are there so many places with the same name or is it to reassure the inhabitants of Kent that they have managed to get to the seaside without leaving the county?

    Do you realise that you are probably the first person to book a couple of nights in Broadstairs with the intention of getting some sleep.

  13. Sorry about that I did want to give you my thoughts on sleep.

    It is a serious subject and I can recall years of taking hours to fall asleep, countless visits to the kitchen in the night and when I did get a couple of hours waking at 5-6am.THe worst thing about it is that the bipolar and the lack of sleep seem to drive each other. Its a double whammy the mind continues to work when you should be asleep and the lack of sleep means you miss out on the minds way of recharging itself. I have always thought that If i could sleep properly the condition would be much more manageable.

    I have tried everything over the years. Sleeping tablets seem to miss the point they get you from night to morning but somehow seem to ignore what the purpose of sleep is.
    The usual herbal and essential oil remedies dont work for be either.
    Im not sure why I did it but 6 months ago I paid £40 for an Egyptian Cotton sheet and pillow cases (I know I must be mad)
    It was like flicking a switch and since then I have slept perfectly.
    I dont see why this shouldnt help anyone with similar problems. It could be that I have I have the only magic sheet and I have become a sort of living Viz cartoon character.
    Should that not be the case I have 600 and 1000 sheets it is the number of weaves per inch and determines quality.

    I hope this is of help i wont mention it again.

  14. I loved all of your pictures! it just made me wish I could go somewhere so beautiful. Hope your sleep improves and the mania doesn’t come on full force. I wouldn’t be able to handle life right now if I was dealing with the mania without medication. Hope that all gets sorted out for you.


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