Firstly, I went to the Take Back Parliament protest in London today.  This is what Nick Clegg had to say to us:

That aside, ah bollocks to the Lib Dems losing seats rather than gaining them.  But they support electoral reform and right now have the power to put it on the agenda if they don’t back down.  If you want electoral reform, sign this petition.

63% (sorry Robert) of people in this country voted against the Conservatives.  Let’s get proportional representation so that we no longer have to vote tactically instead of voting for who we want to lead our country. C’mon! Yes! Exclamations! Woo!

Should have clarified in my previous post; I don’t really think that’s what any diagnosis was based upon because it is hideously unprofessional; I was more amused that it was the answer to my question, said in a kind of sheepish manner!

In mood news, I am still feeling fairly low but trying to focus on getting out of the house and stuff.  I am spooked by election results. I haven’t slept properly in weeks and it’s taking its toll.  Damn waking up a million times a night and damn my horrendous mattress that I can’t afford to replace and which means I wake up feeling as though the shit has been kicked out of me.  Or maybe someone is just kicking the shit out of me in my sleep.  Maybe it’s my pocket psychiatrist.  I met my social worker and introduced her to Robert- she offered him TEA.  I have never been offered a drink, not once, not in four years.  He was our hallowed guest.  She thinks I am depressed, though for why, she knows not.  Either a natural mood swing because I was a bit ALRIGHT HIYA before then, a reaction to the BPD stuff (since Robert somewhat overstated it, saying I’d been obsessed with reading about it, but that was only the night before my appointment and the day after the psychiatric one), or…well, the whole, “Fuck knows” springs to mind.  They might give me some Zopiclone or, please god yes, Valium to help me sleep.  I am sleeping, without resting, it’s kind of killing me. I am very tired and all my effort goes into doing the Keeping Alive thing, eating, trying to get up, and that.  It’s so stupidly draining and makes me feel ashamed.  But I’ve been more active in the past few days, so that’s something.

Robert has now been inducted into my world and is duly charged with the mantle of reporting back to her if I start to go weird (mania or suicidality, or a mixture of both).  And her advice is to try and get into a routine, eat properly and get out of the house, which I know I need to do.  My tiredness and low mood means I have been completely unproductive, dangerously so, which in turn makes me depressed…etc.  It’s shameful and shaming how much I’ve been ducking my responsibilities, and they’re ones I charged myself with to help me recover.   Next week I shall be forcefully, er, forced to do things I cannot, in any sense, duck out of. I pretended I lost my charger for a few days last week because I couldn’t face answering the phone.  My friend is staying with me and I am meeting someone for lunch and have the mentalist radio thing.  They’re my little event things I thread through weeks so that I actually cannot just hide, even when I want to.

I care so little about my appearance right now that I’m eating properly, in defiance of not eating enough for quite a while (I piled on a fuckload of weight after getting the implant and had to compensate by lowering my food intake a lot).  So, hooray for the Sads making me care less.  Depression can be oddly liberating in that sense, where I simply pull my unwashed hair into elastic bands and don’t fucking care.  It’s difficult to worry about your huge nose when you smell like week old sweat and don’t feel like leaving the house anyway.  And in a sense I’m lucky that I dress like a bag lady anyway.  Coming off medication also means I’ve lost a bit of weight.  Nothing significant.  But it ushers in a new age of Eating Toast Again.  I for one welcome my new grainy overlords.

13 Responses

  1. More like 63% voted against the Tories, young madam.

  2. Not to be preachy or anything but I would be careful with Valium, I used to abuse it and it actually increased my paranoia and suicidal thoughts, which is ironic as it was supposed to curb them.

    I am right there with you on the unproductive and tiredness side of things, but I have been working on not obsessing and over-analyzing the situation especially if that is going to perpetuate the depression.

    As for the political side, I have no clue about British politics, being from the States the only thing I know is that there is a deadlock, or at least I think that is what the media was talking about. You can never be quite sure these days with our media as they tend to blow things out of proportion.

    Well good luck with weening yourself off the meds, I could not do that in my current state, as my mind needs the balance the med cocktail brings.


  3. I heard it said by BBC radio pundits that the Lib Dems will have a basic choice of sharing power vs pushing electoral reform through.. Why the either/or, I don’t quite understand.

    Surely they have this sudden great political influence or they don’t?

    And why they should have to give up what is, let’s face it, the Lib Dems’ dearest dream,of PR just to share power, is beyond me. But that’s politics for ya…

    Can you really get to sleep in a night of severe insomnia on just valium? Wow. Zopiclone works on me, but heaven forfend that anyone should happen to phone me between the pill(s) coming on and my actually falling asleep. I’ve been told I speak absolute bollocks (one time I promised to attend someone’s birthday party in Norwich the next day)… and I can never remember a single thing I’ve said.

  4. Never taken valium, but i sulked for like 3 days when my husband got ambien (zolpidem) for his sleep problems. Apparently im not “allowed” them because they wouldnt help me long term and do nothing for psychosis etc. Still, grrrr… here’s hoping they give you something for the sleep!

    Im glad things went well with the social worker 🙂

    G xx

  5. The Lib Dems can either have power with the Tories who oppose genuine electoral reform, or they can force the Tories into a minority government, get together with the other opposition parties, push through a bill on electoral reform, and then call for a vote of no confidence on David Cameron and force the Queen to call another election.

    One has to hope Clegg won’t sell us out.

  6. I am quite excited about the prospect of a Conservative/LibDem coallition. I am not a big supporter of any party, but I hate Gordon and I have a lot of respect for both Clegg and Cameron.

    I do want electoral reform, so I hope that something can be achieved on that. I think Mr Cameron is probably willing to concede PR, but he will probably have to fight with the old-school Tories, so whether or not he manages it I don’t know.

    As for the 63% not voting for a Tory government. By that, you could say that 71% voted to get rid of Gordon Brown. Somehow I think that should be the most important thing right now!

  7. Will the Tories give a toss about the mentally ill?

  8. Thank God the tories didn’t get an overall majority. Phew.

    I’m worried about the future of the Lib Dems. They will have to be very careful how they play this otherwise they might lose their core support for whenever we have to vote again. It’s going to be really tricky for them.

  9. Robert is now your carer for all intents and purposes. Perhaps you might think about naming him as such and then getting Carer`s Allowance for him?

  10. The one good thing about first past the post is that if a particular candidate is a real sleazeball, (s)he can be voted out locally.

    Under proportional representation, how do we deselect the people who are unsuitable to be MPs, but might be good at sliming up internal party nomination lists?

    e.g. in Croydon, London, the Tory MP got arrested for wife-beating, and in our current system people could then vote against him locally if they didn’t want to be represented in parliament by a wife-beater.

    Now, suppose we go to a proportional system so that when 40% of the vote nationally goes to the Tories, 35% Lab, 30% Lib Dem, the new parliament consists of 40% Con MPs, 35% Lab, 30% Lib Dem, respectively…. clearly, that’s fair… but do the parties put forward the names of the people who can be the MPs that make up the percentages?

    I suspect political parties are going to be more forgiving of the kind of character faults that we’d like to use as exclusions from public office – e.g. Peter Mandelson exists because there is no mechanism to remove him.
    – how do we retain an ability to can the really inappropriate MPs under PR?

  11. 63% of the country didn’t vote against the Conservatives but of those that bothered to vote 37% voted Conservative.

    There is no chance of the Liberals forming a coalition with the Tories they are going through the motions because of what Clegg bleated out on the Andrew Marr show.After a respectable duration they will hop into bed with Labour and a Tory party without power for a generation will be dead in the water.

  12. One of the joys of suffering from a mental illness is that I can be 100% wrong and it only warrants a raised eyebrow. The downside is that I get the same response when Im right – its all part of mental illness. Perhaps Labour have seen the books.

    It would be good if it did work , Cameron made some interesting noises on the steps of No 10 but so did Thatcher all those years ago. Its hard not to think that it has been cobbled together to suit the political vanity of Cameron and Clegg. I dont think that it will suit those who voted, Liberal, Con, or those tat bankroll the Tories.
    Clegg comes over O.K on T.V but if I was looking for a deputy PM I would choose Compo.

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