I’ve Arrived! And to prove it, I’m here!

HELLO!

I’m back from the homelands, imbued once again with the slang of my youth and the teeth-a-chattering of doors slammed in teenage angst still reverberating through me.

I was in Belfast for just over a week, and spent the next two days asleep as I recovered from socialising. I’m still completely exhausted, which is crap, of course. Depression followed me, alas, but I pulled my arse out of bed as much as I could and was fairly honest with my charming host and 11-year best friend so much used to my ways, Stephen, in that I wasn’t feeling great. I did crawl into bed at a birthday party, but there were only six of us, and five whom were interesting people so I wasn’t too missed. My medication doesn’t seem to work very well anymore.  I’m sleeping terribly which is contributing to the daily exhaustion, and I am feeling, as mentioned, really quite shit and physically blasted apart. But I’m trying to do the most obvious, most loathsomely over-touted thing to help myself: DIET AND EXERCISE! Ish. I’m attempting to leave the house at least once a day for a little walk to perk myself up and sellotaping my fingers to my sides so I don’t resort to the usual depressive mechanisms of weight loss, since I can’t keep my head out of the fridge.   I can’t take antidepressants so I’m pooling all my resources to keep me out of the depths.

But, er, Belfast was fun!  Robert came with me, and surprisingly, my family no longer want him dead.  It’s quite novel to be able to mention him- nay, have him with me- without one of my sisters telling me not to ever speak his name again then dashing holy water all over me.  They were furious when we got back together, but it was nine years later, we are different people.  Taller, anyway.

I did lots of things such as…

Catching up with my friends:

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The above being Stephen, playing his melodica at Lavery’s, where Robert also joined in in a terrifying rendition of Hey Ya…

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Meeting my honourary nephew, Adam!  Adam is the baby son of two of my oldest friends.  I introduced them, in fact.  I take pride in this because they got married and didn’t kill each other.

I surprised myself by being okay with Adam. I’m usually quite tearful and wistful around babies these days, but it was just nice to see my friends, and new parents, and to hold the tiny little nearly-new thing.   I was a bit wistful later but I’m looking forward to future visits and seeing how he’s grown.  It’s quite strange that he’s just there, all of a sudden.

Went to a past pupil’s pub quiz where I ran into half my old school teachers, and where we won a bottle of wine for best name:

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Getting together with my family and wandering the Giant’s Causeway:

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Where I took lots of photos:

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That’s the last of lovely photos, because my beautiful 50mm lens fell out of my bag and I can’t afford a new one.  Bollocks.

In the time I managed to stay awake or not hide in the bedroom, I had a lovely time. I didn’t eat any fish heads.

Lovely enough that it reminded me that I don’t really want to live in London anymore. I’ve lived here for seven years this month, ever since I was seventeen. I was in love with it for a while but living on a loud main road,  awoken five times a night by sirens, it kind of takes the magic out of it. Ah well. I could just move elsewhere, even elsewhere in London, but I am more broke than I’ve ever been right now, so that particular dream is on hold. I have been sadder here than I was in my week in Belfast, though. I felt- at home, I guess. Usually I hate going back- it can feel claustrophobic, dead- but lately I’ve been increasingly homesick. Maybe it’s the lack of effort and expectations involved there. I can sleep for a week and nobody would hassle me to wake up.

Anyway- I want to write about something else, so new post time…

9 Responses

  1. Beautiful photos Seaneen, esp the sea. Glad home was good. I lasted in London for 5 years, was entranced for a while and tried to feel at home. I ended up leaving London very unwell and am back near my home town now. But am glad to be here. Glad I lived there, but glad to be here now. x

  2. Going home can be a mixed thing… I have a love/hate relationship with it. In some ways, it’s incredibly reassuring to be somewhere with no expectations and people who know me at me worst and love me anyway. They look past the crazy and see a person that they love very much

    On the other hand, it’s hard to deal with a dad who only has two places for me to fit as his daughter: little girl and fully functioning adult. I am neither. He can’t seem to wrap his head around this and switches randomly back and forth in his manner of treating me trying to figure it out.

    My mother loves me with everything she has, but we’re both bipolar and the clashing can be traumatic, especially when we’re both swinging nastily. Sometimes, it’s wonderful and perfect. Sometimes, we hurt each other so much. She is often depressed. Her swings are slow to come in and slow to recover from. I swing like clockwork: about every four hours I completely move from mild depression to hypomania with rare excursions into more traumatic moods. I never go through a day without at least three swings.

    My life is never stable, but at least I KNOW when I’m having a bad swing that in four to eight hours it will be OVER and I will feel better. She has months and months in a swing, and it hurts to see her trying to slog free.

    Now, I live with my fiance and his family. It’s awkward, but they’re genuinely sweet tempered and kind people (if a bit odd at times) so I survive. He is sweet and fragile and I’m very careful not to shatter him as I try to build up his skin. NOTHING BAD has EVER happened to this family. It’s a fairy tale, a dream, a 50’s sitcom to me, but it’s his life. Amazing.

  3. Great photos. I often forget the beauty that’s here on my doorstep, but hopefully will rectify this somewhat next week when heading up to the North Coast🙂

    I’ve often thought about leaving NI myself, but some nebulous force always seems to stop me…

  4. What was your Pub Quiz Team’s name?

  5. Lovely piccies.

    I’m glad you had a nice time at home. I love visiting London, but I don’t think I could live there, so I understand why you are wondering about elsewhere. It can be expensive to move, but then again life is cheaper outside of London so in the long term it may make things easier?

    I also know your track record with ADs has been terrible, but I was told I shouldn’t try ADs again by previous psychs and then my new psych has tried Reboxetine and so far so good (well aside from a nasty collection of side effects). If things continue to get worse it really may be worth the risk, as long as you are monitored super carefully.

    xx

  6. I haven’t been home to Ballina for six years although i am going to the North fox a wedding and will pop down.I say home i was only there a few months before the family moved to london.Great photos by the way x

  7. Hi!

    I liked what you said about, Andrew, Adam and I…. there is still time for Andrew and I to kill each other, and I have a mental list of ways I’d make it look like an accident. But those ideas are on a bad day, generally he’s lovely🙂

    I also liked the Causeway pics, I haven’t been there in ages.

    Was great to see you and Robert (I like you make a well-matched couple), I’m looking forward to seeing you again.

    Love

  8. Can you believe that my real life name is Noonan and I’ve never set foot in Ireland. Shameful, isn’t it? Still, maybe next year.

  9. Can you believe that my real life name is Noonan and I’ve never set foot in Ireland? Shameful, isn’t it? Still, maybe next year.

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