Dear Edwina, Thankyou for last night. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. #bigbenefitsrow

Mentally Interesting:

I love Jack Monroe.

Originally posted on JACK MONROE::

Dear Edwina;

It’s 9 o clock on Tuesday, the morning after the night before, where we were both on a panel on The Big Benefits Row on Channel 5. I haven’t watched it back, I was there, and know what I look like when I’m angry.

I need to get this out – because it’s everything I wanted to say last night but couldn’t, as I kept being rudely shouted over by you. Honestly, my three year old behaves better than that. At least he knows that when Mummy does her ‘will you just be QUIET and LISTEN to me’ then the best thing to do is to stop running your mouth and let Mummy say her piece.

But you didn’t. Because you were terrified of what I had to say.

I wanted to say, when asked by Matthew Wright, that poverty is almost indescribable to someone as blinkered as…

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Self conscious post

This is a self conscious, “Ooh, I have a few new readers at the moment and it might be a bit depressing round these parts so here’s something silly at the top” post. It’s been a tricky year but 2014 will be better.

In the meantime, you should listen to this song.

Withdrawal

So once again, I am attempting to get off Quetiapine.  Oh so many reasons (weight gain, think I might have developed diabetes, flatness, spending ALL my spare time sleeping, not being sure I have manic depression, not being sure I believe in manic depression actually existing), but the biggest one being I don’t think I need it. My psychiatrist agrees with this. (Although recommends keeping an, “In Case of Emergency” stash). It’s been six years on varying doses. I am doing it sensibly this time- i.e titrating. Everyone around me, including my manager, knows what I’m doing. I have gotten down to 100mg and so far:

I feel like I am permanently on the edge of flu

I am itchy as fuck

I am feeling overemotional and tearful and hypersensitive

My brain is racing again and I can’t concentrate

I keep getting electric shocks in my hands

I feel nauseous and my appetite is decreasing (the latter is good, I have gained 5st in a year on the higher dose).

My sleep is fecked- I am waiting up constantly but still feeling drugged when I wake up (I slept well yesterday though, but that was an ills exhaustion-medication combo)

I just don’t feel like myself.

I thought this would get better, as it’s been a few weeks, but some days are worse than at the beginning. I think this is also partly because my immune system is a bit fecked right now so I’m picking up the ills along the way.

I don’t know whether to credit Quetiapine and other medication with my stability these days, or to credit getting older. Was I ever ill in the first place? Or was I just young and someone who had gone through a lot of trauma? As I’ve grown older, I have begun to accept- painfully, often- the trauma I’ve experienced and realising it’s had an impact on me.  I haven’t had a, “(hypo)manic” episode in about 2 years. I had a depressive one a year ago, and it was pretty bad, but in general, I am just an anxious, analytical person.  I am always a little bit hyperactive or a little bit low, it’s what I’m like. I do realise my sustained, “episodes” deviate fairly markedly from my, “baseline”. I do know they come out of nowhere, and I know what that suggests. But either/or, I don’t think any of that is bad enough to warrant taking medication for the rest of my life. For a long time I have thought that, and have begun to think that the medication is keeping me unwell.  Not in an anti-psychiatry way, but that the side effects are outweighing the benefits.

25mg is the dose I am dreading. That’s when total insomnia will come and I’ll have no choice but to power through.  The last time I got there, then 0mg, I had rebound psychosis from insomnia and it was quite scary. The police had to be called because I thought our house was being robbed and barricaded myself in a room. I felt almost instantly okay again when I took 400mg and slept for 2 days and I hated that.  I hate that my normal is being drugged up and exhausted. I hate that my normal is knowing, every day, I’ll probably die 20 years younger than most people I know because of my medication and its effects.  I just don’t want to do it anymore.

I am slightly afraid, though. Afraid of all my emotions pouring back and of not being able to cope with it.  I do think my medication has helped keep me sane over some of last year’s trauma, because they held me in numbness, suspended me in fatigue and flatness.  Maybe all the years. The flood that might be coming terrifies me. But I’d rather be drowning than be alone, forever and forever, on my dry little island.

I’ve gotten off Lamictal and Prozac already- wish me luck.

Panic- fun and games in the back of an ambulance

Hello, been a while since I updated here. I’m pretty knackered!

News for those wondering- I didn’t win the Mind digital award, which I didn’t expect to.  Thank you for your good wishes, though. It was won by the lovely Charlotte, who thoroughly deserved to win. I still had a fun night, and when the winner was announced, I could finally go for a wee I had nervously held in for hours. It was good.

I had a bit of a shite experience last weekend.

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Now that’s weird…

…I didn’t actually publish the, “Now I Am Six” blog post from earlier- I have no idea why it did publish.  It’s from May 13th….EXACTLY 6 months ago…

Totally freaked out! Wah! Ghost blog!

Let’s be clear – Tory and Lib Dem MPs have decided terminally ill patients should work or starve

Mentally Interesting:

This government is inhuman beyond parody. There should be riots in the streets about this. What is happening to us?

Originally posted on Pride's Purge:

(not satire – it’s ConDemNation today)

Back in 2011, Conservative and Liberal Democrat MPs joined together to reject an amendment which would have exempted terminally ill cancer patients from benefit cuts.

They decided that if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness such as cancer – but have been given more than 6 months to live – you will have to work or starve.

Here’s a previous blogpost about that:

The government has finally done something so outrageous even I can’t be bothered to satirise it

This decision by coalition MPs was so outrageous that after intense lobbying, there were some concessions made by the government.

However, in a bizarre piece of upside-down DWP logic, it now seems that if you have less than 6 months to live – you will be refused benefits.

This is from the Chester and Ellesmere Port Foodbank blog:

Jenny

Jenny came to the…

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Sponsor Me for the Bupa 10k in May!

Hello everyone!

A quick and cheeky post.  I am running the BUPA 10k in May 2014.  I am legendarily unfit and have never even run for a bus, but I want to raise money for the addictions charity Addaction, in memory of my dad, Paul Molloy, who died from alcoholic liver failure on May 17th, 2006.

It’s going to be a HUGE challenge for me so I’d appreciate anything you could donate. You can sponsor me here:

My Justgiving Page

Please share if you can and thank you!

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