…I didn’t actually publish the, “Now I Am Six” blog post from earlier- I have no idea why it did publish. It’s from May 13th….EXACTLY 6 months ago…
Totally freaked out! Wah! Ghost blog!
This government is inhuman beyond parody. There should be riots in the streets about this. What is happening to us?
Originally posted on Pride's Purge:
(not satire – it’s ConDemNation today)
Back in 2011, Conservative and Liberal Democrat MPs joined together to reject an amendment which would have exempted terminally ill cancer patients from benefit cuts.
They decided that if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness such as cancer – but have been given more than 6 months to live – you will have to work or starve.
Here’s a previous blogpost about that:
This decision by coalition MPs was so outrageous that after intense lobbying, there were some concessions made by the government.
However, in a bizarre piece of upside-down DWP logic, it now seems that if you have less than 6 months to live – you will be refused benefits.
This is from the Chester and Ellesmere Port Foodbank blog:
View original 342 more words
A quick and cheeky post. I am running the BUPA 10k in May 2014. I am legendarily unfit and have never even run for a bus, but I want to raise money for the addictions charity Addaction, in memory of my dad, Paul Molloy, who died from alcoholic liver failure on May 17th, 2006.
It’s going to be a HUGE challenge for me so I’d appreciate anything you could donate. You can sponsor me here:
Please share if you can and thank you!
My dad had a camera attached to him for the first 10 years of our lives. He documented every mundane moment. He painstakingly developed them, and kept almost every photo he took. They live in a box in my mum’s house and have been vanishing over the multiples moves she’s undertaken since he died. I have a few of them. The photos begin to tail off when my baby sister was a toddler. My dad was too lost to drink then to keep taking photos. I hate that there’s scant evidence of her childhood.
There was a photo of me that he loved so much he had it blown up into A4 in dramatic black and white. I’m about four, face on, staring fiercely into the lens. I don’t know if I’d just woken up and was grumpy, I don’t remember the photo being taken. But he loved that photo and was proud of it, and proud of the person in it. It was one he showed me often. Even I could shyly admit I looked beautiful in it, looked, probably for one of the first times, like a child who was becoming their own person.
I tore it up one day, in a fit of teenage pique, when I was learning how to hate myself. He was hurt. And I regretted it instantly, and I still regret it, to this day.
My dad hurt us a lot with his drinking. But sometimes I’m floored at all the little things I did to hurt him, too. I remember, always remember, how his eyes looked when he was hurt. When he was drunk, dewy. Sometimes, they were dewy when he was happy, too. I remember that less.
I miss my dad. When you think of what a life is- that there is one- it brings me to my knees that his life was so brief and so desperately unhappy. Despite us, five children. Sometimes, I think, was it because of us? Other deaths and lives don’t have that burden on their children. People who die of natural causes and not things like alcoholism can have that gift, of a, “life well lived”. To know how cherished and loved they were, and how much they cherished and loved in return. I don’t have that. Either way, I don’t have that and I regret it utterly. My dad was often infuriating, abusive and hurtful and in rages, I would be the same. Always his reflection, even now.
I didn’t even mention him in my wedding speech. I regret that, too. It wasn’t a conscious omission. I wore his photo in a locket around my neck. I worried that if I talked about him, I would never stop. I didn’t want to cry, not that day, but cried later anyway, for different reasons. I wish I had let myself cry for those ones. Why, why have I spent the seven years since his death trying not to cry? I only cry over my dad when I’m drunk. Why did I spend the years of his life trying not to? It is so hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves. Despite pleading with them, begging them, screaming at them. Doors torn off the hinges and kicked through in premature grief, from all of us. Like I tore up my photo, he tore up the letter I wrote him when he was in a psychiatric hospital. We were asked to tell him what effect his alcoholism was having on us. And for a while, it seemed like we’d gotten somewhere. But they all went to pieces, in spite and because of. Even now I wonder if I had chosen my words too carefully. From the back of a CD, some pretentious teenage book I was reading. Using it as a writing assignment to hide from the reality of what was happening to him and to us. Of that squalid little hellhole hospital and its yellowing rooms, and his rancid bedsheets and yellowing skin. Too blamefully, too artfully, instead of writing it from me.
The photos help. We were happy, sometimes. He was happy, sometimes. When he stopped picking up his camera, that’s when I started. He left us some money- not a lot at all- when he died. I bought a camera with mine, his last gift to me.
He wasn’t a great dad. But he was our dad.
He was someone who didn’t realise how much he was loved. And if he didn’t realise, then who else doesn’t?
I just found this: I wrote it in June 2011. It came to my mind because I keep forgetting that as a person I will have mood swings, and as a person with dodgy moods, even more so. AS A PERSON. Forgot that bit for so long. No new episodes have happened yet. (And, as of reviewing 2013, I have had one more severe episode of depression and a few small hypomanic ones. Now also have panic disorder).
And I fear being mad again, when newlife, largely lonely, is hurtling towards me. Career, kids, marriage (I want them all, I could have them all). Don’t be mad, not again. Even the sniff makes me fear, I blink at the glare, deny everything. From open, to closed.
So now I am recovered from mental illness. Now I can pass for normal to the untrained eye, one that isn’t looking too closely into my own glazed, unfocused ones. I do Recovered Person Things; I study, I work, I take public transport and people sit next to me, on a good day.
Whoever was doing the PR for tampons was doing them for mental illness
recovery. The same euphoric aerial splits celebrating the joy of
working Coke machine, the same toothy grin over a latte with your
girlfriends, the giant kitchen, with holy glittering worktops awaiting
a weekend of salad preparation for the family- all this will be yours,
if you get better. A life, they call it. A normal life.
And deep down a part of me sighs, “Don’t believe the hype”. Recovery can be a more profoundly lonely experience than the illness itself. Years have passed now, like a dream. But if it were a dream, then nobody else would remember. But they do, and better than I. Vignettes of a life I had forgotten before I even finished living it are bold A4s in other peoples’ brains. How jealous I am of my memories being locked in other peoples’ brains! And afraid I am to ask for the key. A part of me does not want to remember.
I had expected that after four years, I would one day fling open the door and see a line, stretching far down the street, snaking around the corner and into the road, the people who I had hurt, bored, confused, frightened and bored again waiting, wreathed in smiles, bedecked in flowers, overflowing with forgiveness, welcoming me back.
Back to… where? Somewhere I have never been, as someone I have never been. In the four years of the regrettably necessary self-obsession required to Recover, I had stopped asking about the lives of my friends, the lives of my family, the lives of people I had loved, or could have loved and who could have loved me. In time, they stopped asking me, too. They had Real Lives. They have promotions at work, fall outs, nights out. I had the stasis of the still-sickening, of an inner-life with no outer life. My most exciting trips were to hospitals, or onto the pavement. If it is dull to me (and it is), it is even more dull to them. And rightly so.
You find this too, when you recover. This is not cancer, not even close. You can’t whip your sleeves up and show your self harm scars as a mark of how far you come. That’s bullshit-speak from social workers trying to salve the pain of you destroying perfectly lovely parts of your body for the rest of your life. No-one is interested in your inspirational tale. In fact to mention it you’d think the earth’s axis has shifted ever so slightly one centimetre as people have the irresistible urge to be drawn backwards. Really far back. I’ve made that mistake before. I thought that now I was stable (but not normal, never normal and untainted) everybody would be happy for me. Bumping into an old school friend, the conversation goes like this,
“Oh, hi, Seaneen! What have you been up to?”
“Oh, hello! Well, I’ve been mad for a couple of years! But I’m fine now! Just off to get a sandwich. What about you?”
With no outer life, or at least, with a less of a socially conventional outer life if your mental illness knocked you into a ditch somewhere, you may have lost social skills. How do you talk to people when you’re not a little high? (Slowly, by the way). How do you have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around what your
psychiatrist said that week? (Bullshit, as usual). It’s okay- practice on strangers. Which you’ll be doing a lot since, as mentioned above, you have lost most of your friends in the period in which you were mad and trying to be less mad.
If you were lucky, you might have made some nice mad friends to keep you company. They’ll be really happy for you when you recover and
start to claw your way back to normality. Which is how it should be. Except, some of them think you’re a traitor. Some of them are genuinely pleased for you, but then you find that aside from talking about your mental problems, you don’t really have that much in common anymore.
Where do you go then? Into a new life, with new people. And what do you tell them? What of the past years? What did you do, where did you come from? What did you do? Where did you come from? The answers make you dumb.
This day seven years ago, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and thus began my love-hate relationship with the mental health system. I remember- noise, pacing, star jumps, skipping brain, Silence of the Lambs on repeat, Leila, stripey socks, more pacing, telling the nurses I had to be let out because I had an important interview at Scotland Yard (and this was true!), haloperidol, flowers, Connect 4, Lithium, bloods, tight hand grips, tourniquets and smoking.
Almost 5 years ago (in 2 more days), I took an overdose after a year of depression and one very ill-advised prescription of Effexor. I am still alive.
The memories I have of that night are sickened- sweat, vomiting, screaming for my dead dad, having a seizure and knocking myself out on the desk, the paramedics seeing my breasts and still feeling aware enough to be mortified about that, everyone here worrying since I posted while off my skull, feeling angry that the doctor dismissed my overdose as, “over a fight with a boyfriend”, when no such fight had taken place, when I hadn’t even inferred it, he was at the pub, but as a young woman in a scar suit, it must have been why, not the year’s worth of depression, not the hyperactive energy burst of medication, as a young woman, my life revolves around the men in it.
Wanting a toffee crisp and the kindness of friends. More vomiting. Friends cleaning the flat so we didn’t have to return to it. Rob’s centring calmness when I knew how afraid he was. Me pretending I was alright afterwards, when I really wasn’t, but I felt so silly and ashamed of myself.
Nothing has been simple since. It’s easy to forget how bad things were, I guess. My life revolved- and still does, to a large extent- around trying to stay sane. I feel more sane than I ever have, PDSQ questionaires to fill in tonight aside. (What is an, “upsetting experience”? I wrote down 3, then added in the margins, “Not sure these count”).
I’ve hidden a great deal of posts from when I started this blog, cowed and blushing over my quite dogmatic nature then. I was only 21. I should reinstate them, even if they’re embarrassing. I’ve seen other people do the same as me- when diagnosed with someone, deny to begin with, then grab at it like a rope to a drowning man. It took me a couple of years to realise I was more than my illness. And a couple more to realise it would always be there, humming in the background like a twatty passenger on a bus. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought and I’m not afraid anymore.
October is my bad month. I have crashed almost every year for 10. I’m still here. Fuck you October. In your face.
Over the past day on Facebook, a few mentally interesting folks have been making makeup tutorials, actual, useful ones like the Youtube ones, which I can’t link here as they’re on Facebook. Did you know you can put liquid foundation on with a brush? Because I didn’t.
This is my response. It features wine, Wagner and a lot of strong language.
(Should go without saying this is a joke and I am not a sweary alcoholic).
We’ve been talking about making more of these. Like, “How to Unmat Your Hair After 5 Days Without Brushing or Washing It” (a personal one for me since my hair naturally dreads after a day). And some more practical ones like leg waxing, which I’ve never done, so it would be ten minutes of screaming.
Anyway, it was silly fun making this so if you have any suggestions for videos you’d like to see, let me know!