Because this blog is the only place I feel free to moan. This isn’t a blog about eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder but I still have both (to use the names of the terms, shorthand) and they are making me fucking miserable.
I am on the verge of ripping my arm open and pulling the contraceptive implant right out. I don’t know what else I’d use since I have some complicated limitations in this field. I wasn’t sure how common weight gain was but reading around, I’m not alone. Since I’ve had it put in, I have gained nearly two stone for no apparent reason, it’s all gone to my stomach. I look like a frog hanging from a hook in a biology lab. I have NEVER hated my body more than I do right now. And for me, with BDD, that’s saying something. The weight gain has been so rapid- I’m not overeating and I am struggling with eating-disorderedness because of it. I have a Dr Strangelove arm that flees to my mouth every time I eat and I have to shout the voice down because I can’t go so far back again.
My body feels completely alien because I can’t control it. And because I do have BDD, it keeps getting dismissed as paranoia. I’m not paranoid. I shouldn’t hate my body because of something so meaningless as weight gain but to me it’s very frightening and depressing to gain weight. I try to remember the misery of scuffed knuckles and leaving people outside public toilets while the contents of my stomach were spat out from one end or the other, all the miseries that now feel distant against the every-minute misery of feeling out of control. I struggle incredibly to lose it, and my calorie intake is small enough as it is. I don’t know if I have fucked up my body or not. It doesn’t feel like my own right now.
Anyway, I just wanted to moan. I have no right to and it shames me to hate my body so much because I’ve gained so much weight. It utterly clashes with my principles. I read fat acceptance blogs and literature and women’s magazines just to stoke my rage because I know where my mind and logic lie, but I’m a hypocrite, a revolting hypocrite. I can’t help but feel like I want to break down and cry every time I have the misfortune of catching sight of my own reflection.
In summary: I hate my stupid body and how ugly I am.
Thanks. Apologies for patheticness, I just needed to vent.
(In my annoyance I’ve been reading some idiotic blogs and websites about weight loss that make me want to set the internet on fire. There are some fecking eejits out there).
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I know exactaly what you mean, and I hope you will feel better one day =]
Love
x
I always thought the implant worked pretty well with controlling body weight? But on the plus side, it’s the most reliable form of contraception, so at least you won’t need to worry about baby bumps? (that probably didn’t help, but I’ve just been reading a book about contraception so it’s all that’s coming into my head)
In response to the venting, I love how you can rant so eloquently. I wish I could do that. (again, probably not helping, but I’m not very good at the BDD/ED thing)
Erm… *hugs*?
Seaneen,
I can empathize so much! I have problems with BDD too, and never really thought of it as anything beyond, well, hating my body. I’m quite a bit older than you (50), but have fought with this since I was in my teens. I went through controlling my weight with drugs in the wild ’70s to working out with a vengeance to starving myself, to throwing up. I’ve tried being a vegetarian, a gym rat, and sometimes I even welcome major depressions because those are the times when I lose weight effortlessly.
I’m short, too, so I know how it is when you’re petite and you gain even a few extra pounds. It’s like suddenly everything’s all out of proportion. I’ve never been extremely skinny and doubt I ever will be, but even being a little overweight drives me nuts. I just gotta say–I know how it feels!!! The frog image kills me, btw. I’ve felt like that frog, yeah.
I know it’s not much consolation, but I’ve seen your pics and you’re strikingly gorgeous. I’m not going to tell you some crap like weight doesn’t mean anything, because I’ve never been able to buy that from anyone.
I hope you can figure out some way to prevent pregnancy and yet not have to keep that implant in your body. It’s obviously not a good, healthy choice for you because the side effect is making you so upset. I hate to say this, but a diaphragm, maybe? And/or condoms? I hate those, too. (And fortunately, after having two kids, I was able to have my tubes tied. Not having to deal with it any longer is great!)
Anyway–if I had it to do over again I WOULD definitely have my kids, but my son is autistic and my daughter is bipolar. I guess the odds were against them. On the other hand, man, they’re fantastic people! And my daughter was conceived while I was using a diaphragm (so much for that method, hey? I hadn’t thought of that in years).
Take care, and I think it’s great that you have a place to rant so that the world can hear you! And there are so many of us out here who hear you, and we do indeed give a damn.
~Sooz
Hello, what a nice blogger. I don’t have BDD, however i hate being fat. I was born fat, and i was fat most of my life, but since the age of 18 i’ve become a bit obsesed with exercising and dieting. The other day i gave up to the temptation of binge-eating. However i have like 10 days without binge-eating. If you let your self get too hungry and starving you will not resist the urge to eat pizzas, tacos and fattening foods. but keep trying hard and exercise
I know you have a wealth of information and know more than most about BDD and EDs so I won’t dish out some crappy advice ;p
What other contraceptives are you allowed? Luckily there is a very, very slim chance of me getting pregnant but I was put on the pill after I had dysfunctional Uterine bleeding, I was so against it because my mums side of the family have a history of ovarian and cervical cancer, and are advised not to go on any hormone based meds, and like you I was terrified of the weight gain especially after losing so much and knowing that gaining weight just triggers the ED. I came off it two weeks later, I know this isn’t really an option for you.
Its good that you haven’t gone sinking back into the eating disodered-ness. Whats your doctor saying?
x x x x
This IS a mental health issue.
I’m really sorry, Seaneen. I know how horrible it is. I seriously think you should consider an alternative form of contraception for the sake of your mental health. I’m worried about you.
Our heads tell us weight doesn’t matter. But our hearts have been bombarded with all that pro-skinny crap from the media and life in general, every single second of every single day, and our hearts tell us it does matter.
The thing is to let the head stay in control. I never managed it, but you’re more mature than me, and highly intelligent. If anyone can do it, you can.
Resist the ED urge. It’s shit and it ruins your life and it isn’t worth it. Sure, it makes you in control of your weight, but only at the expense of everything else in your life (including basic bodily functions) going tits up.
This post of yours is very important and worthwhile. People need to know about the reality of BDD.
Oh, and I’m disappointed in you for reading pro-skinny websites. Tut, tut, tut, Seaneen! They’re way below your intellectual level! You reading those blogs is like me reading the Daily Mail when I should be studying Christopher Marlowe. When the authors of those websites have had a Radio 4 play based on their massively popular blog, and written content for the world’s best broadcasting corporation – THEN they can hold a candle to you. God knows losing weight messes with your intelligence, but sometimes I suspect these authors didn’t have two brain cells to rub together in the first place.
I’m obsessed with them. Same way I’m obsessed with food programmes and magazines.
On the bright side, you must have got lots of fab recipe ideas.
Hey, we’re all obsessed with something we shouldn’t be obsessed with. I used to browse the BNP website, which is WAY more embarrassing than your obsession. And I was once into lolcats.
You are not moaning, I can relate to what you are saying. Btw: I have an obsession with women’s magazines.
Hi Seaneen,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I think it is fabulous, though I’m generally too shy to post comments. I also have a host of physical and mental problems which make birth control a necessity, but take medications which make the pill an impossibility. My GP suggested an IUS called ‘Mirena’. It’s more reliable than an IUD, can stay in place for 3-5 years, may cause menstuation to cease, and has limited weight gain.
Cly
Never having used a contraceptive in my life, I had to google ‘contraceptive implant, weight gain’ and it seems like an extremely common problem. It’s awful to feel like you’re extremely overweight when your common sense tells you you’re not, and it’s really hard to listen to the sensible side of your brain when you feel so unattractive.
I am just a few pounds over what I should be for someone who’s 5′1″ (although I would probably draw a morbidly obese blob if you asked for a self portrait). I want to lose a few pounds but it’s difficult having a physical disability and recently I accepted that walking is no longer an option so I searched around for something else I could do. I considered the gym and I decided that realistically I’d get bored with that and probably obsess about how much I was losing than it being any fun.
I’m now pushing at least 2 miles a week along the prom at my local seaside town (looking to get it up to the recommended 3 miles for fitness) and it’s done something really cool to my brain! Haha. The endorphins it releases are making me feel better about myself and I’ve gone from being focused on losing weight to just enjoying the effect the gentle exercise is having on my mood and self-esteem. The fact that I can slowly see my arms and face looking a little slimmer now is a bonus rather than the ‘be all and end all’ that it was when I started.
Do you have any friends that you could maybe go walking or playing Badminton with? Putting the focus on a fun activity and away from the weight itself might be a more successful formula for you.
Hello again: Well i just wanna say to all, that even though bulimia, anorexia and other eating-disorders are very wrong and evil. Food-addiction and eating a lot is just as evil for the physical appearance and health of a person.
I think that people should take more care of their image, because the more beautiful people there are in a society, the more motivation and positive energies there would be in that society.
By the same token, if most people just dont care about looks, because they notice that caring about looks require 45 minutes to 2 hours a day of painful weight-lifing and walking or jogging. So instead they choose to be totally sedentary and eat tasty foods. But this looks to a society of ugly people. And ugliness decreases energies and motivation.
Just like if you have a new shiny car, and you love it and you feel good with it, if you crash it and drive it like that you will get depressed, because it won’t have the beautiful looks.
So beauty itself is very important, a society of beautiful girls and muscular males is better than a society of deformed overweight bloated individuals without symmetry. Living in a society like this would lead to mental depression.
However the USA neads a scientific plan to fight weight-gain, more knowledge, and a war against starchy-carbohydrates. I think that the american diet is too high in starchy-carbohydrates.
.
You’ll have less people to live in the beautiful society with the sharp increase in the suicide rate.
Also: BOLLOCKS and piss off.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Also, I would rather have a society full of kind, generous, compassionate, loving people than a society full of people obsessed about what they look like.
Also, what Seaneen said.
The society that you describe sounds like a truly ugly place to live.
I know you’re supposed to attack the argument & not the person but what a deluded f#ckwit.
I find your comments both insensitive and simply wrong.
To frame selected mental illnesses as “evil” is ignorant in the extreme. You also seem to be unaware of the subjective nature of beauty. You draw a simplistic and medically wacky association between (your notions of) beauty and depression.
Those are just the basics, and I have tried not to slam you the way that your comments have slammed others. I urge you to take the lesson to heart.
SUBDIVISIONS BY RUSH DESCRIBES THE EXISTENTIAL-VACCUM FELT BY PEOPLE LIVING THE CONSUMERIST, CONFORMIST, ALIENATING, EGOCENTRIC, IMMORAL WAY OF LIFE OF NATIONS WITH CORPORATE NEOLIBERAL ECONOMIC SYSTEMS LIKE USA, UK, MEXICO, CANADA, AND MANY OTHER NATIONS THAT ARE HIGHJACKED BY OLIGARCHS
Here is a good song and video which describes the US society:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu9Ycq64Gy4
Its a song about non-conformity and how the american neoliberal society tries to make people into a conforming drone. This is particularily bad in most suburbs where homes are built exactly the same way, and by the same builder, and high school is all about being part of the crowd. The song is about the need for conformity and mass consumerism in the capitalist society we live in. Modern capitalism cannot function without it. When I listen to it, I hear an amazingly written eulogy for society by Neil. I also think it represents Neil falling away a bit from his earlier beliefs, as he’s mentioned he had. There is nothing inherently wrong with suburbia or living in it, if that is what someone desires. A lot of people don’t have the desire to go to “the bright lights.” This song is clearly more about conformity, which can be found anywhere: the suburbs, in the city, or “the far unlit unknown.” In my opinion, the only flaw in this song is the focus on suburbia as the only place where conformity can be found. Popular opinion has been manipulated to belive that The Suburbs are the worst place for conformity.
Conformity also occurs when many people seek the same thing, including excitement in The Bright Lights (Everyone else is doing “the cool thing”, so why shouldn’t I”). That being said, Subdivisions is my favorite Rush song, and the best synth song ever. So much to write about this song. Basically, it’s also a song about the ‘ticking traps’ that so many people fall into. A nightmare world where a person’s main desire is a never ending escape from the suburbs. The suburbs can take many forms: from the boring, quiet life of suburbia to the pleasure seeking thrill ride of the big city. Ultimately, the suburbs offer nothing meaningful, and there is no escape within or between them.
However, in the first verse an outlet is available: ‘the far unlit unknown.’ This unknown exist within each person-the unique thoughts and feelings that make an individual; tragically, few venture very far into this territory. I’m also inclined to think that it’s more about teens trying to breakaway from suburbia (and thier upper-middle class parents telling them HOW to think/beleive/be), only for some to discover (as Peart writes) ”
…Some will sell their dreams for small desires – Or lose the race to rats – Get caught in ticking traps ” Afterwards these suburb-raised, city-stressed folk “…start to dream of somewhere – To relax their restless flight – Somewhere out of a memory – Of lighted streets on quiet nights… ” I think it’s more of a commentary on the seduction of city life and the potential trappings it brings. It is also a social commentary on how cliques are hurtful, and how expectations of comformity often drive away our best and brightest. Very much like the suburbs of Chicago
RUSH
Subdivisions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu9Ycq64Gy4
Sprawling on the fringes of the city
In geometric order
An insulated border
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit unknown
Growing up it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass production zone
Nowhere is the dreamer
Or the misfit so alone
Subdivisions —
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out
Subdivisions —
In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out
Any escape might help to smooth
The unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe
The restless dreams of youth
Drawn like moths we drift into the city
The timeless old attraction
Cruising for the action
Lit up like a firefly
Just to feel the living night
Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory
Of lighted streets on quiet nights…
Of lighted streets on quiet nights…
.
Have you spoken to anyone about coils? You can get a coil with no hormones put in, and they DO recommend it for women of child-bearing age nowadays (if your doctor says otherwise, go see a different one, or ask them to read up on it, the guidelines on coils have changed vastly over the last few decades) – you won’t gain weight on a coil, and it doesn’t interact with medicines (as far as I’m aware, it can’t), so you should be eligible for one, and it might suit you really well.
Don’t worry about posting about things other than bipolar, it’s all interesting, and relevant to you – this blog’s called the secret life of a manic depressive, right? Well, this is your life. Whether it’s caused by BPD or not, it’s still your life. Whatever you want to say, we want to read it.
Personal thoughts an feelings affect us all. Of course being overweight is going to stimulate the negatives within. Feelings of rage anger all are a stimulate to the system in one way or the other . Did you ever consider the reality of combining the bipolar meds w/t birth control is or could be a double whammy ? In my case just the bipolar meds through me into an uncontrolable weight gain effectively it all seemed to go straight to my stomach . Ending up with the bloated frog appearance battling it. I still haven’t won over on it. It drives me crazy looking in that dreaded mirror what I see turns me more negative . It seems a downward spiral effect seeing is believing . I avoid that dreaded mirror as much as possible now. Although it’s a human effect to gaze into the mirror or reflection of any kind . Stay away from the mirror I tell myself over an over. Isn’t it something as we wake up all is well at time but going through the day seeing ourselves can be a distracting thing. Although I am not a female the reality of weight gain affects us all. It surely must be a defining moment on the feminine side to be self concious of ones looks. A reality is of dynamic proportions to consider some other type of contraceptive considering most types make a womans body think its pregnant which comes with all the parameters of being pregnant including weight gain. Maybe it’s time to make the male in your life take the precautions allowing your body a rest .
Good luck Seaneen
Cheers Dirtdog
I am currently using Mirena and so far so good. The weight gain has been around 10 lbs. The medical fraternity may describe this as minimal but for me it is monumental. I am at the stage of my life where fat sticks like glue and no amount of wiggling and jiggling at the gym can get it off. It helps that it’s been years since I bought a fashion magazine. I refuse to give the people who tell me I look like shit my hard earned money. Definitely speak to your doctor if the weight gain is unacceptable there may be other options.
There is nothing wrong with moaning about your BDD & ED, I have been there too many times as well.
I know my body must have gained weight here recently, but slowly I learning that skin-deep beauty is only a cover, and we are much more than covers.
‘eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders’ are nothing to do with mental illness?
Look into the hormone free coil. I havent had children but was told i could still have it done. No weight gain, unlike oral contraceptives. But i did get bv. Swings & roundabouts. . .