Many apologies for sporadic updates. For once, it’s actually my physical health that’s giving me the most problems at the moment. I have yet to see a doctor, as I said, I hate GPs. They are usually dismissive of me, since I’m “mentally ill”, all my problems are in my head. I’m going to have to go in and whip up my sleeves and pull down my tights and show them the bruises I’m covered in (which I showed Rob today, he was aghast. One on my arm is particularly impressive). It’s most likely nothing, and I should eat more meat and get iron or something. But I should drag my arse to the doctor’s anyway, if just to put my mind at rest a bit.
I have been so very, very tired of late. The heat is not helping in terms of sleep. I am mostly too tired to even write. And right now, I am in my living room, having set up bed on the sofa, as I did as a child. I’m watching television, something I almost never do. I have Diet Coke next to me, I am hot and tired, and feel as though I’m fluey. So, if I’m absent for longer it’s just my physical ills dogging me.
Mentally, I am mostly okay, though being dogged by intrusive thoughts I am struggling to handle, and ongoing paranoia, feeling like I’m a terrible person etc etc etc etc and so on forever, paralysing each thought, each action, to stasis. Something I need to confront and cope with, I feel. I haven’t been that great taking my medication lately, and when I have been, I’ve been taking half a dose to keep my mood up. Being too sedated can make me depressed and I want to be careful this summer. I was supposed to go for counselling about the abortion at Brook this week but I decided against it. I don’t particularly feel ready to talk about it. I was there to get the contraceptive implant so I don’t have to go through it again, and while I was there I ranted and raved about how it changed everything, how I was raging that it changed my relationship with Rob (to the point where I ended it, and felt like I abandoned him, and so on, just raging, and private, so!) and changed how I saw myself and how sad I was, and so on. She booked me in there, since I clearly need some sort of counselling. I’ll make another appointment when I’m ready.
Hope you’re all okay out there. I am listlessly meditating on my childhood tonight, remembering all the days of feeling ghostly prone on the seatee in my parents’ house with their voices feeling so far away… Recently I’ve been thinking about standing on a chair in my granny’s kitchen doing the dishes, feeling helpful and grown up… So, in the comments, if you like, please join me in regressive dreamlike remembering and tell me a little childhood memory of yours…
Filed under: Bipolar Disorder
Stumble It!
When I was sick, my mom would make rice in milk, butter and cinnamon. I’ve tried making it myself, but it never seems to taste the same.
Don’t apologize for not blogging, take care of yourself.
Feeling fluey is shite, true enough.
Childhood memory… The touch of my Nanny’s fingers stroking my brow when I was 3 and had bronchitis. (Nanny was my grandma – not my ‘nanny’. In fact my wife’s Nynee (welsh) I think is truer to the meaning.) Or my mother making cinnamon toast on many occasions…
Hope you feel better soon, Dx
Hope you feel better soon. Hope that the heat goes away. Ugh, I can’t stand really hot muggy nights.
My childhood memory is of making cookies with my mum. Loved eating the dough raw, of course. Loved the squishing of the balls with the fork dipped in water, or flour after each cookie. Then I recall scampering away. The clean up was left for my Mum. But yes, eating the cookies LOL
Another memory is pretending to be a horse, galloping around my yard. Tying ropes to the few trees we had, and that was the corral. Silly fun, indeed.
Poor girl. I remember having strep throat a thousand times as a child, wearing pajamas during the day and daytime television and being set up in bed with Jell-O and tea and a stack of escapist fantasy books (Zilpha Keatley Snyder in particular), and drifting in and out of medicine-induced sleep while gazing out the window at the sunlight on the lawn. I still find sleeping during the daytime much easier, more soothing and less scary than at night.
I’m not feeling well enough myself to drift back to the dangerous territory of childhood. Perhaps you have thought of this but you might just be lacking vitamin C – which can cause easy bruising – something easy to try before seeing a GP anyway. Not meaning to be obnoxious with the unsolicited advice…sorry if I have been.
Do you want darkness or fluffy? I’ll do both. Fluffy – making jam tarts in a brightly lit kitchen, with flour and pastry everywhere. My shadow – feeling alone in the world and no sense of belonging. It’s good to hear you talking about yours.
I really hope you feel better soon. *Hugs*
Childhood memory: Going for walks with my family, lagging about ten feet behind everybody else, gazing around in a dreamworld. Occasionally being told to stop dawdling, hurrying up for a few feet, and then falling behind again.
Seaneen,
Be a bit careful about the hormone implant. I had a myreena hormone coil put in about 4 months ago and definately went a bit unstable for about 6 weeks because of it. It levelled out though and I did go back to my ‘normal’.
N
Hope you feel better soon
Memory I love to go back to when now is crap: being hauled into my granny’s huge bed on a Saturday morning, she made grandad go and make sugary tea while making up the most fantastic stories. Memories of feeling warm, cuddled and safe.
What a beautiful memory to have to go back to.
PLEASE be careful with the birth control implant. The hormones in those things made me well..not so pleasant to live with. Also I know people are thought to be nuts but I’m terrified of aspartame. Maybe switch to juice? I hope you feel better soon.
es please don’t apologise for not blogging, take it easy, the bed on the sofa sounds perfect… and get yourself down the docs to get checked out asap…
Good to hear from you
Relax and take it easy. I hope you get well soon.
*pours Lemsip down the interwebs for Seaneen*
Childhood memory: climbing into bed between Mum and Dad. The smell of their tea – Dad makes breakfast in bed for Mum each day – and the sound of their voices saying morning prayers. Come to think of it, this is also a current event, except that at 21 I’m far too big to get into bed with them
Do you have any doctors you find more bearable than the others? I have one who’s okay so I always try and get an appointment with her.
I say, WordPress has new smileys!
((HUG)) Hope you feel better soon
.
Hi Seaneen,
Fave childhood memory: everytime I saw my Grandma she always painted my nails for me – she kept the pots of nail polish in the kitchen cupboard next to the tins. They were all shades of pink. We would sit at the kitchen table until it dried and then we used to make lime jelly. Bless you Grandma.
Could the tiredness be down to a lack of sleep??
Depending on how extreame the bruising is, you might want to check you INR
Stay Safe
xXx
no problem w/t the blogging effects it is fine to put it off n get to it whenever Seaneen I do the same thing and write when ever I feel like it funny how that is but it works for me. Sorry your going through the icky’s as I call them. I get them too.
As for child hood memories i’ll think about it and get back with ya soon take care .
CHEERS Dirtdog
My favourite memory is turning up to my Grandma’s house and being bombarded with home made food. There would be quiche, sausage rolls, chocolate chippie biscuits, queen cakes, apple jelly, jams, preserved fruit, apricot pie, and the crowning glory of roast beef with yorkshire pudding, a million different vegetables, and cream sponge for dessert.
Sooooo good.
The only time my father ever lost his temper with me: I drew all over his newly whitewashed walls with potatoes, aged 5.
Be well
x
Why you so hot? It’s cold out…
… OK, not that hot…
Hey, take care of yourself, hope you feel better soon.
Hmm, childhood memory:every time I stayed over at my Granny’s house, she would let me stay up really late and say that we just wouldn’t look at the clock so we couldn’t tell my mum how late I’d stayed up.
for that rice with milk and cinnamon? it needs sugar. My mom used to make the same thing. for the blogger here, take time to grieve and definetly get those bruises taken care of, The same thing happened to a friend of mine and he turned out to be anemic but there are other even worse things with those symptoms
When I was a kid and home sick on the couch my Dad would dance and sing (very badly and much to my amusement) along to his Colonel Boggie and Jonny Cash albums. It is my safest memory and a place I go when the negative thoughts start creeping in, throw in some quality deep breathing and I’m usually ok again within minutes ! That is till the next time.
Sounds like you need blood tests done. You could be anemic – alarm bells – Seaneen. The alternative to not going to the doctors soon could be a few nights in hospital -. Scared yet ? !
All of the above is sent with the greatest warmth and care , I would just be happy to know that you are physically healthy , I get sick alot too, it’s shit . Take care Seaneen.
Seaneen, i always read your posts and im always impressed with your caring attitude towards others and how open and honest you are. However you NEED to see your GP! If it was someone writing in saying that they were covered in bruises you would tell them to be seen. We all hate doctors i think, its true that whenever something physical happens to us doctors do tend to err in the side of disbeleif they often think every problem we have has to be because we are mentally unwell. Whenever i go in with whatever complaint they always ask me how im feeling …winds me up no end. However it is something you need to do ive been worried about you since you first mentioned you had bruises over you. It may be something as simple as you need some folic acid. Whatever it is though please go in and see your doctor and let us know how it went. Blessings to you!
Emma
xx
That sounds like good advice.
When looking back to my childhood all I can now see (with the help of a diagnosis -ss? Bipolar Type 1 with OCD and GAD, with the bonus of Sexuality issues) is I was a alone alot and like to organise stuff day in day out – never letting anyone touch my stuff , and live in my own world listening to music.
Not much has changed except begin over friendly with people now when I’m hyper.
I do remeber thinking when I was 8 that being 20 is so old and grown up – then thinking I would never get to that age thinking I would have killed myself by then (I had bad depression in my childhood), but I’ve made it – only just.
Hope thats not to much information or to bleak!
Love your blog
Keep well as you can!
x
My daughter is on meds. for bi polar and she also has a blood disease. She started bruising for no reason at all. She did not go to the doc because her blood disease acts that way too. She kept having more and more bruising and then started to sleep alot and was always tired. I asked her to go to the doc because she has a blood doctor and maybe something had changed. After her appointment the doctor came rushing in and said…what are all these medications for. This is what they treat bipolar with. She said she was bipolar and had been on the medication for three years now. This is what is doing the damage. Certain medications for mental health actually do destroy the physical health. She is getting better for now. The bruising is not as bad as it was and so far she is doing well with all the harming meds.
Maybe this is something you want to look into?