The New Girl

The new CPN type lady seems okay.

 But I am sick of talking about suicide and my “low mood”.  I know I have a low mood but there’s nothing to say about it, nothing has changed.  That’s the point of the meetings, to talk about mood, but I’m really sick of talking about it all.  It’s tedious, tedious beyond words, it’s so boring.  She asked, what could they do, about practical stuff?  There’s nothing, really, and I couldn’t think of anything.   She didn’t know about Brendan, she said, “If someone you knew committed suicide, would you think that it was a rational decision, or would it be because they were ill?”  I said someone I knew died recently like that… she said I must miss him, I said I do, and wanted to change the subject.

She asked what I do with my day.  Good question.

 When I’m depressed, not much at all.  From one day to the next, I couldn’t tell you.  They melt into one right now.  I wake up early and drugged, end up having a cigarette then fall back asleep.  Spend my afternoon drugged considering doing grocery shopping but don’t feel like I can be bothered so make tea and eat cereal.  Halfheartedly attempt to read but can’t concentrate.  Throw my energies into distracting myself from horrible thoughts, which consists of me sitting here blankly clicking links or staring into space for long periods of time.  Update here if I feel like it.  Check e-mails, try to reply to people.  Read my Livejournal friends list and feel vaguely jealous that people are having a better life than I am.  To try and shut my brain up, sometimes I look at frightening suicide websites to scare myself, but it doesn’t work anymore and they bore me, too. Attempt to seem cheerful, struggle to show interest. Think about going for a walk but about two seconds in I suddenly feel exhausted and paranoid so come home again.  I stroke the cats and make sure they’re fed.  

Sometimes I get dressed and put make up on, sometimes I don’t.  It takes me a long time to get dressed. I weigh myself about fifteen times a day.   Rob comes round but because I don’t feel like doing anything and or talking, I either just sit here or we watch TV, and these days I just want to take my medication early and go to bed because it feels pointless to be awake.  I’m also mindful that he needs his sleep.  When I’m alone I stay up later.  Spend a lot of my time feeling guilty for being such a crap girlfriend right now.  He still can make me laugh, though, and if I drag myself out of the house to see friends or whatever (and I do try to) they can make me laugh, too.  My mood just lapses into this kind of flatline though and hearing my voice, it sounds totally flat and monotonous.  I am on autopilot at the moment.  Some days I do more, some days less.  At least I do get out of bed, though, and I do eat something.  And I am taking my medication and ticking over.  That’s good.  I don’t seem that bad, reading that back, cos I’m still up and about and bothering to update here and nothing horrible is happening.  I feel like crap, though.

And that’s the super secret life of the depressed manic depressive.  Dull, isn’t it?