I am doing my own head in at the moment. I’ve been very snippy and paranoid lately, which has led me to some rather embarrassing conversations. I had a go at another blogger (who a lot of you read and will probably see what an arse I’ve been acting like) for absolutely no reason, which I apologised for but which I’m still mortified about, because my paranoia has kicked into overdrive and I’m reading implications in things when they’re not there. I’m short tempered, too, have even been yelling at the cats. I’m just not “working” properly. Rob has to keep reminding me to wash and brush my teeth, and he’s been subtly cleaning the flat when I’m not looking. And he got paid today so he’s taking me out to dinner. And for all this, he gets me snapping at him.
Yesterday, he was reading a book called, “You Don’t Have To Be Famous To Have Manic Depression”, which I reviewed for One in Four. He likes the conversations between the psychiatrist and the author but he became quite impassioned over the “real life stories”, as they all went like:
“Gosh, I was mad! Then I was diagnosed with manic depression! Then I got this medication (usually Lithium) and now I’m fine! Hurrah!”
which is good for them but Rob shouting at the book, saying, it’s not like that! You don’t just take a pill and you’re cured! I feel sorry for him. He’s spent two years watching me go through the wringer of medications and treatment and illness, and still not being fine, and not knowing, either of us, if I ever will be. Rob is of the opinion that one of my mentalisms is going to kill me at some point soon, and I haven’t got the first clue how to reassure them, because I simply don’t know if it’s true or not.
It can be like that, though, as a lot of people I’ve come across online and in real life have almost been “cured”, or at least become very well, rather quickly after beginning medication. Sometimes it’s as if they had a defiency of X medication in their systems all along.
With Rob, when he gets worried or insecure, as he naturally does since my time is devoted mostly to passing obsessions and distractions at the moment, all I want to do is put my arms around him and say, “Hey, I love you. You rule and I can’t thank you enough for everything you do for me” but what I end up doing is sighing and having a go at him. I couldn’t live with me right now. I know the process of steadily pushing someone away because you don’t think that they should have to either.
The amount of people reading has almost halved! At least it means there are less comments, so I should get my arse in gear and actually respond to them, rather than reading and thinking that people can somehow telepathically know what I’m thinking. It is unbelievably childish to moan about blog statistics but bear in mind it’s not the numbers, it’s the worry that I have scared loads of people away with depression.
I just don’t like myself very much at the moment and I’m sure other people feel the same.
I am in a Bad Mood these days. Best to keep out of my way, the world.
Filed under: Bipolar 1 Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, bipolar, coping with mania, coping with manic depression, depression, how manic depression can impact on your life, mania, manic depression, mental illness, psychosis | Tagged: bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, depression, mania, manic depression, mental illness, psychosis
Stumble It!
Hi. I still read your blog but don’t often comment. I still love your blog, regardless of how crappy you feel. And even though you may be snappy ‘n’ stuff like that, your blog readers still care about you, so we can let it go. And I’m sure Rob feels the same. He cares for you. Simple as that.
Keep up with the posts!
I empathise with your current mood, I am also ’snippy’ and a bit spiky. I tried to encourage my boyfriend that we should get some committment rings this weekend, initially he agreed ( prob thinking I would forget), but when it came down to it he admitted that he doesn’t want to wear a ring………..so, what do you do when one of you wants committment and the other one doesn’t want to ‘commit’ to you?
Answer: SULK.
Optional answer: just get snippy!
Result: Row!
Oh well!
take care and keep writing……….I read you every day!
I agreed with Razzler. Your blog does exactly what it says on the tin. Don’t worry about alienating your readers by posting when you are down, because it wouldn’t be much of a blog about manic depression, if you didn’t have symptoms of depression!
I’m not sure if this might be a bit of a hassle if you are depressed, or maybe you have already done it, but can you go back in your stats (If they are kept for that long) and see how many hits you were getting this time last year? If its significantly more, what was it you were tagging them with? have you changed your keywords, were you writing about different topics, or in a different style? Personally I like your posts which are almost like a script, and you tell the story, you tell it so well I feel as if I am there with you.
As for people commenting, it might not be that they are “afraid” to do so, or that they don’t care enough about your posts to bother, although its definately right that you would think this seeing as you are in a paranoid place. It might be because alot of your regular readers have been where you are, and they know how much of a struggle it is when you suffer from real depression. we know that really there is nothing you can say in a comment to ease someones misery when they feel like that. there is only so many times a person can write “Gee sorry you’re feeling shite, hope things get better soon…yadda yadda yadda” because it begins to sound false. Besides for anyone who has been there, we know it doesn’t change how shite you are feeling. It makes us sad
Don’t give up or get disillusioned. You should feel that your blog is important and want to keep having good stats, because it is good, and important to you. You’ve obviously worked hard on it, so you SHOULD be proud, thats not vanity, its pride. There will be new traffic stumbling across your blog. there will always be mentally interesting people out there looking for information, and a way to feel that they are not alone. Your blog is an amazing resource in that respect, whether you are posting about times you have felt great, or times you have felt awful. there will always be someone who identifes with you
Thats my two pence worth
Lola x
Ugh, that sounds like a horrible mood. Hope it gets better soon.
Personally, I read your blog no matter what you’re feeling. You’re manic depressive, of course you’re going to talk about being depressed, it’s only to be expected.
The blog is still wonderful, whatever you write about.
Laura.
Also there are lots of employers (like mine – woo!) starting to track what peeps are looking at on the internet – basically if it’s not work related you’re in the proverbial – which will have had an effect. Also, if you can’t be honest on your own blog…especially when you’re depressed. Take care
Oh man, can you turn me into one of those people in that book who’s cured with one pill? I’m so ready for that. Yeah, I’m better than I was, but sometimes I wonder if that’s saying much. Eh well, I’m not hearing voices or seeing things at least. That’s cured, right? Right???
I can echo the folks above to say I love reading your blog. I need to see the downside as well as the upside. It reminds me I’m not alone with all this.
I have to say that I read this blog to get a snapshot of your mind and your travels, not to just watch what witty things you can say.
Otherwise I’d just listen to myself =D
Sept 07 14,034
Sept 08 18,429
but to show you what I mean…
2008 Jan 25,724 Feb 25,937 March 25,210 April 18,751 May 25,197 June 22,401 July 23,260 Aug 21,899 Sept 18,429
I can’t believe I’m actually moaning about this! It’s ridiculous! Sorry!
A MONTH! CALM DOWN GIOVANNI! I AM NOT YODA!
A DAY???? Holy f*ck!
NO! A month!
And if you’re curious, the most popular blog on my blogroll is Problem Child Bride.
Good grief, that’s still pretty good – the most I ever got in a month was 924 – and I was well chuffed with that!
ok Yoda
For a momenth I felt in awe like I was commuting to the world queen of bloggers (”yeah, just a million this month, pretty scant”). Still, quite a bloody lot I’d say. Be proud of that.
G.
Irritable. I’m very irritable myself right now. I keep snapping at people, then curl in the corner feeling guilty for it instead of doing mature, rational things.
Your blog has never been a source for more irritation. I can read you right now and at least forgive myself a little for being such a pain in the arse for other people lately. It helps to see someone going through that and see yourself indirectly without the horrible self judging.
I don’t comment that much because like a commenter said above, sometimes you just wish you could magically snap your fingers and make the person not feel the bad things anymore, but instead something stupid like “hope you feel better soon” comes out. Some of us commenters also self judge a lot, and we feel stupid and ashamed of doing so little to be helpful and sounding so retarded and unemphatethic, so we end up sighing at the screen saying nothing at all, and that’s how you get less comments than average.
I wish I could kill the antiphsychiatric people, jsut for a bit. Or at least give them mental illness. That would be perfect. For every ignorant not understanding person in your email, you also get more of us, the ones who are here even when we say nothing and make your paranoid brain think people don’t like you anymore.
Wow, how long was I lingering on the comment box. 5 more comments appeared from nowhere.
Seaneen, I hope things will get better for you, and soon. I haven’t commented in here much lately because I’ve been dealing with my own issues … not because I felt driven off.
Lithium has really made a difference for me. But I’m not cured, by a long shot.
I love your blog. You’re an excellent writer and a fantastic person. I agree with what Lola said. Anyone who’s been through similar things and had similar feelings knows there’s not much anyone can say to help. Hang in there, please!
Sometimes I don’t comment because…you already have a ton of comments!!! And I usually try to read through everyone else’s comment first! Which can leave me feeling I have nothing original to add! Now that I realise how important it is to you maybe I’ll comment more.
Was interested about that book ‘You don’t have to be famous…’ I haven’t read that one but have read many other accounts that have annoyed me profoundly of just that kind of scenario that you wittily sum up. ‘Gosh, I had manic depression. Then I discovered X pill. Now I’m fine!’ My own take on it is that quite possibly these people NEVER HAD MANIC DEPRESSION in the first place!
Regardless of stats, you are the queen of bipolar/mental health bloggers in my view. If I knew where you lived I would definitely come and stalk you! (Just joking honest!) Zoe
Still reading. You will never scare me away!
Love to you both xx
I’m always writing half a comment here, then re-reading it and thinking it’s not as articulate as your post, and not submitting it…
(and: As a geek who works with government statistics, I have to point out that these sorts of statistics vary by time-of-year, so it could be argued that the only valid comparison is with this time last year.)
(and and: I really appreciate reading someone whose problem has not been ’solved’ by a single solution. My recurring depression and I thank you.)
Ach, thanks. And never be afraid to comment!
Your musings aren’t exactly broadcasting to the most stable of people. I’ve been reading for around 1yr 7months and I’ve had periods where I haven’t been able to read due to being lost in my own thoughts.
Yeah, people who find the right medication first time… sucks if it isn’t you, but must be fantastic if you’re the one who only had to try one medication.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m always reading this and your livejournal, even thoguh I don’t tend to leave comments. I’m trying to get better at being a commenter since I know it makes me feel listened to when I get responses. Even if I don’t speak up, though, please understand that I think you’re ace and I am listening. x
Thanks, bird.