Silence

I want a holiday away from stress, noise, pills, panic and absolutely bare minimum living.
I just want to be somewhere warm, quiet and gentle with Rob for a while. A break. A change of scenery.  Somewhere to hold hands, and kiss, and not worry for a while.

“Comparitively speaking…”

Right, let’s try and write something in here, eh?
Certain words, said in a certain way, make me squirm. One of those words is “pain”. It’s a word scribed often on mental health blogs and literature. It’s one that I try to avoid, in the sense that I don’t use the word to describe [...]

Inquest

There’s a lot that I want to write about here but at the moment, I don’t feel up to the task.
Today has been quite grim. I spent the early afternoon in the coroners’ court for the verdict into the inquest on Brendan’s death.

Keep Warm, Make Trouble

Right, I think I’ve finally got the courage to jump off the chair and bolt out the door screaming bloody murder like a 1930s cartoon housewife.
It’s a Bank Holiday here in England, so enjoy your Monday off, and everybody else, have a marvellous weekend. I’m going to be absent for a few days, so:

It’s fun [...]

Spider

Touching from a distance and continuing a raft of posts that amount to, “Y’know, I feel a bit” *wiggles hand*.

NB: My hands are not this actual size, however, they are not far off.
About 55% of my posts here are private drafts not available for you to read. This post should probably be one [...]

I’m Not Mad Pride

Lost myself

I had a long post here, but it was articulating nothing. Medication, I think, is finally affecting me and it is as though the lights have been punched out. This cocktail of medication is visibly in effect now. I don’t feel right, and I’m having incredible trouble writing. I don’t like it. [...]

A Compendium of Stupidity

Hiya, I can’t sleep. Living without god means I have no one to talk to in the night, so I’m writing to you instead. Aren’t you lucky?
I think I’m going senile. Recently, I have:

Stashed my mobile phone in the fridge, when I don’t even remember being near the fridge. I had [...]

Living without God

I don’t feel so good recently.  My mood has switched into something nameless.  I can’t describe it; a kind of shaky deadness.  The way you’d imagine carrion  scraps stitched to brown bone shivering in the wind.
Mental illness and religion have a long association. Even the language used to describe mental illness is heavily reliant [...]

Patients lose the right to smoke in hospital

Bodnotbod alerted me to this, so I thought I’d post it here. I’ve written about this before but it deserves to be said again.
“There is, in our view, powerful evidence that, in the interests of public health, strict limitations upon smoking, and a complete ban in appropriate circumstances, are justified.”
The judge added the smoking [...]

Ridiculous NHS rules

There is a lot that I want to write about, but I am too pissed off and frustrated to scribble some florid prose. I’ve started a few entries on various things but I’ve abandoned them halfway through. I guess I don’t particularly feel like writing at the moment.
I want to tell you [...]

Two Years

How the hell can it be two years. Two years without my dad.
I miss my dad.

Luxembourg’s “Last Holiday Before Divorce”- Off Topic Day Continued

As this is off-topic articles day, what better time to whore out my boyfriend’s music?
After all, this blog wouldn’t exist without him!

Rob’s rather fantastic band Luxembourg has just released their swan song online. They’ve been together for seven years and have decided to go their separate ways. Their quite dedicated fanbase are [...]

Beautiful Madness

I’m having some trouble with WordPress not saving my posts, so this is Article Day, in which I won’t be posting anything personal. I save my posts often before I publish them, and I can’t do that today.
This is the article that had me so enraged a few days ago. That a loss [...]

Reverend Death

Hannah and the Crisis Team just came, and I have officially been dispatched, therefore am no longer considered to be in a crisis. Hurrah! I do feel mentally better, although rather sad, though that’s for real life reasons. I feel physically like toss at the moment, but hey ho.
There’s a documentary called [...]

PMS

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this in my mentally ill women post!
Men may want to look away now since obviously this subject makes you faint and hyperventilate and other such marvellous clichés.

Good Things about summer

I get to wear sunglasses without looking like a posturing twat.

Well, I look a bit like a posturing twat.
May is my least favourite month of the year, and has been for two years. Because it’s almost two years now since I lost my dad. How can it be two years? How can [...]

Being a Fat, Mentally Ill Woman: A Possibly Ill Informed Rant

EDIT: This isn’t me saying, “Hurrah! It’s much easier for men!” I don’t believe that, I’m just outlining my experiences as a woman. MY experiences, therefore, not trying to generalise!

And your experiences will differ. And yeah, I haven’t met many men who have a diagnosis of BPD. Overwhelmingly, females get [...]

Hurrah!

I am being discharged from the Crisis Team.  No more having to talk to strangers in my pyjamas!

The Battle Plan: The NHS, the DWP and me

Thank you for inspiration! I shall work my way through it.
It’s only just occurred to me that many of you don’t know anything about my situation, or how I got here. I talk about treatment constantly, but have never clarified what treatment actually is. So, allow me to explain, in brief, where I’m from, [...]

Zombie

Last week, I asked my friends for some advice on how to deal with depression. You think I’d be an old hand at it now, but I’ve never really been good at coping when I’m depressed. I just pull on my rattiest, most stained pyjamas and shut the outside world out. I [...]

Inspiration

I’m on the verge of quitting this blog since my half-arsed entries and wittering about depression when nothing has changed is really beginning to annoy me.
So, To give me some inspiration for new posts, I’m throwing this one over to you lot: ask me a question or give me a topic and I promise to [...]

And on and on and on and on…

I feel depressed, still. I felt alright for a day or two, but it’s back. Getting bored now. It’s not that I can’t enjoy anything. I can, I do smile. But immediately after I slip back into this. I feel like a puppet, the mouth being jerked by invisible [...]

Over or under

EDIT: Referring to America here…
This is interesting.
I kind of agree that bipolar disorder is sometimes diagnosed so you can chuck medication at the person instead of investing in psychotherapy that similar looking personality disorders often respond to. Likewise, bipolar misdiagnosed as borderline is unhelpful because the antidepressants used to treat BPD can kick [...]

P.S

If you link to me, please don’t just link “Pole to Polar”- add the whole Secret Life stuff in, as I want to try and phase out “Pole to Polar”, which will be tough as most of my search terms are that.

Laughing at suicide

My mood has picked up a little, which I attribute to the lack of sleep I’ve had since my Seroquel dose was halved. I was sleeping far too much for a little while, for about fifteen hours a day. When I stop sleeping again, my mood and energy picks up for a moment. [...]

The most depressing stories of the day

0252 Veteran Labour MP Austin Mitchell has a much simpler solution to his party’s woes: “Is suicide a suitable way out?”
I haven’t cared about much lately. The psychiatrist came today, lowered my dose of Seroquel and said I came across as flat. I do care about this, though.
I don’t generally disclose my political views [...]

Red Sky At Night

Today, my CPN came to visit me instead of me visiting her. She commented on my P.J Harvey print (a piece of artwork on my wall that I received on my nineteenth birthday) and had two cheeky fags, even though she’s given up. I find her much easier to talk to than any [...]