My brain is becoming incredibly noisy again. I don’t feel I can even properly articulate myself today as I can’t make sense of what is going on.
Recently the noise has been turned up again. It’s almost white noise; a rush of thoughts that flood in and swirl around. I have trouble coping when my mind is like this; I can’t get my thoughts straight and it makes it difficult to sleep or hold a conversation. It’s distracting and depressing. Depressing because the thoughts are almost wholly negative, but so very fast. Distracting because I can’t focus on the same thing for more than a few seconds before my mind takes me elsewhere.
What is also bothering and scaring me are “intrusive thoughts”- not the type you get with OCD. I’ve written before about it here. This is something I’ve lived with for years but they still frighten me and make me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable. They come from absolutely nowhere, quite suddenly and I feel like I don’t have control over them. I don’t want them and the things that I think of are things I do not want to do or see. I get images, like flashbacks, that strike out from the mess. Horrible things, like rotting images of my father, of myself, violent thoughts, thoughts of suicide, images of death and dying and decay. There are words and phrases too that stick in my mind and start skipping like a faulty record. I find it so hard to get past it that I either start writing, saying or forcefully thinking of something else. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and drives me to frustration. It happens when I’m trying to sleep too so I have to talk myself down from complete panic.
When I’m out and about, if someone is near me, I have this thought that they’re going to hurt me, so I get panicked and have to get away, somewhere lonely and safe. I get convinced that they have a knife or gun or are looking at me oddly. I freeze and then begin to get anxious. And run off, or walk quickly away.
These thoughts have been keeping me awake recently and making me burst into tears. Sometimes I wish I had a dial I could use to turn down the volume.
Filed under: Bipolar 1 Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, being mentally interesting, bipolar, coping with manic depression, diagnosis of bipolar, gibbering, how manic depression can impact on your life, intrusive thoughts | Tagged: bipolar, Bipolar Disorder
Stumble It!
I am sure you don’t want to hear this but I’ve been reading your blog for sometime and so I figure I will say it…
You are struggling so much but life and your health is not going to get any better until get a decent place to live and concentrate on getting better. You really need to move out of London. There are so many places in the UK where you could practically walk into a 1 bed council house in weeks if you where classed as homeless. A nice warm place to live with heating and security. Your landlord sounds like a complete ass for expecting you to live in those conditions.
How are you ever going to get better whilst your living in the environment that you are in now, I know you want to stay in London to be with friends especially Rob but you have to begin to put yourself first and I am sure your closest friends would want the best for you at the end of the day – no one should have to live like you are in the UK now, it’s disgraceful.
As for the benefit system, it seems to have made error after error in your claim, I know London’s a busy place being the capital but the time you have had to wait to get paid for benefits is pathetic. In another town in the UK you could have it sorted in weeks not months and months.
You’re a fantastic writer, your blog shows that but the way the system in the UK is treating you is letting you down and you will never begin to recover whilst you in London.
I’d donate some funds to you but I am as skint as you right now!
You need to think what you want for the rest of your life and get out of London to create the life you really need.
Take care…
Hey there, It sounds like the landlord who owns your current block of flats is attempting to force out the tenants and is letting the place go to ruin to encourage you to leave.
You say you’re paying £500 a month to be there, I reckon you could find something better maintained – by a landlord who doesn’t want to sell up. My brother and his missus are renting a really decent flat for <£750 in the suburbs — I don’t know what Islington is like pricewise but you might be able to get a better deal. Could you and Rob go flat hunting to try to locate a better place?
I’d wonder about leaving London – you’ve got Rob, and your friends there, a CPN who you sound really positive about & is backing your housing application.
Could you get a part-time job with only a few hours a week? I know someone who is working 16 hours as 4 hours x 4 days a week at a hardware store, restocking things in the evenings, I think he’s allowed to work up to 20 hours a week without affecting disability his benefits.
– it’s not ideal for the long term, but the money improves the standard of living & he can still claim the disability benefit, it’s fairly low stress.
(forgive me if I sound obnoxious, I don’t presume to tell you what to do, just listing some things I know about other people)
Take care of yourself what ever you do, and hugs from here.
when you are really struggling to get the images and words to go away, try submerging youself under an ice cold shower – even if its only for a few minutes, the shock to your body will be the focus of your thoughts.
I don’t get intrusive thoughts very often these days but when I do; as much as I really don’t want to say anything because I am scared of being sent to the psych ward; I have found two people who I can completely trust and so I tell them what is happening in my head. I find that once I have blurted it out, although the same thoughts are still there, they are dulled and I can be distracted by TV and books, which weren’t working before.
Stay safe xXx
Concerned, I’d die if I left London. I’d completely disintegrate without Rob and my friends. I don’t want to crawl off somewhere else just because it’s cheaper. I know I’m having problems but it is not worth leaving my home for.
I’ve found that when my thoughts start racing that another 250mg increase in depakote quiets them. Something to discuss with your doc?
I’ve been putting off commenting on this post because I’m not sure how to put myself across.
“I get images, like flashbacks, that strike out from the mess. Horrible things, like rotting images of my father, of myself, violent thoughts, thoughts of suicide, images of death and dying and decay. There are words and phrases too that stick in my mind and start skipping like a faulty record.”
How long have you had this? It’s strange because I never knew, until relatively recently, that not everybody has these type of things. I have seen flashes of quite disturbing things, had thoughts that are just stuck in my head, heard voices, seen things that aren’t there etc. since I was a small child. I just presumed that it happened to everyone. Even now, I still don’t know what level of those type of things are “normal” and which I should be worried about.
For instance.
I was sat on my sofa a few weeks ago, absently staring at my foot. I suddenly got a flash of someone driving a chisel into the bottom of my foot. I mentioned this to someone at work and he reacted as if I said I’d spent the weekend drowning kittens. It was a bit of a reminder that it doesn’t happen to everyone and maybe, just maybe, next time I should keep my big mouth shut.
I’m not trying to downplay what you go through at all. I know that what can be mental hell for one person, another shrugs off, and vice versa. I’m just telling it from my perspective. You, most likely, don’t get panic attacks from thinking about having to speak to someone on the phone.
And sorry for using your comment system as a blog
Hi first time i read anything here, but since the topic is on the same page as my search, I will say that I agree with the dude that sais talking to people about it helps, I talk to my gf about everything in my head, shes not even the best one to tell as she even makes fun of it instead of listening carefully, but i know she really dosnt mean it and yet it all still helps, just getting it out and letting all your friends know the problem can really help, after all they are your friends. As for your situation, working and money suck, can u do the big issue thing or even write for them? orrrrrrr paint or do music or somthin like that ? factory jobs are handy enough no people on people reactions just get on with it. Wish you all the best. Ed.