30th December

A note from Rob:
What did Dief eat? Tidbits and bananas. I think we can all appreciate the meaning of this at this transitory time of year. Seriously, if you had a baby walrus for a friend, would you ever watch TV? happy new year people!
And a slightly less…perplexing note from me.
I’m back in England’s green [...]

We wish you a merry Christmas

Brendan has ruined my bloody Christmas. And my new year’s eve plans since they now revolve around heading to St Alban’s for his funeral. Can people please be considerate and die after the holidays?
Sarcastic smile.
I felt Christmassy for a little while yesterday. Presents, of course, will bring out that magical side of [...]

an olive grove facing the sea

Sigh

What a fucked up two years it has been.
It feels like it has been almost never ending hardship, grief and loss.
The maxim that life is cruel seems true. If it wasn’t, wonderful, amazing people would not feel so broken by it that they felt they had to take their own life. And completely [...]

………………

I need to write something here, even if it’s just this rant, because if I just sit in this room, looking at the chair he used to sit on, at the desk we bought together and pushed up the Blackstock Road, and do or say nothing, I will disintegrate.

Break

I found out this morning that Brendan, a very good of mine, has committed suicide. We had not heard from him for a week and called the police last night, who found him in his flat.
My head is a mess over this and I feel completely numb. I love him, he was my [...]

London

Not sure anyone is even reading anymore, my stats have dropped by 600 hits a day! The quality of recent entries has been pretty crap, too. I find it hard to get the energy to write when I’m feeling down. Ho ho ho.  At the moment I’m directing all my self control [...]

Intrusive thoughts

More benefits nonsense.

Tip: if you’re going to become mentally ill, do it in Islington.
Today to discuss benefits with Islington People’s Rights.  I can’t really thank them enough for demystifying this web.  I still have more stuff to bring to the housing benefits office, who seem intent on collecting every nugget of information about me including what colour [...]

Down

Not feeling so great today.

Fiction

More tearfulness. I started crying at this song by Joseph Arthur because of the line, “May god’s love be with you”. I don’t believe in god and cried because it would be so nice to believe in god and have god’s love. Odd mood of late.
I’ve just found two bits of fiction I [...]

Interesting mental illnesses

All people from South Wales sound exactly the same. I’m listening to Peter Baynham’s lovely voice to keep warm. He sounds identical to my friend Simon Price, who’s from Barry.
And in more fun linking to Wikipedia while blowing on your hands, here is what I think is the most interesting mental health disorder [...]

Eating is as natural to me as skydiving

I have nothing to do tonight so will be on the internet searching for witless distraction from the cold or staring into space. Probably both. I don’t have any fantastic insights into manic depression for you today. They take ages to write, in the small periods of the day or week when [...]

Sleeping in the rain

Oh dear. My window has opened itself again and my bed is covered in rain. There’s a few stray leaves skirting over the pillows. The weather outside is inside.
It’s been a very quiet day blogwise; today has seen the smallest amount of hits in months. Was it something I said?
Anyway, I [...]

Self-harm

Edit: to make it a little clearer.
I don’t go into detail about self-harm here. It seems somewhat peripheral, which of course, it’s not.
I’ve never been in the habit of discussing it. Let’s face it, I’m a Manic Street Preachers fan. I am writing to you from the hub of Britpop gauche in [...]

“An Unquiet Mind” by Kay R Jamison

Another afternoon in the housing office. Have just paid my rent. Counted my pennies. I’m officially in the “Fucked” region. All charity exhausted, all bets off. I feel like finding an untethered boat in the Thames and drifting off into the cold sunset. Although it won’t be so romantic. [...]

“My nipples explode with delight!”

Again, let me say that if I am not online with Meebo, I don’t think I can answer your questions. You also need to set a nickname so I can respond. Do feel free to e-mail me at anne dot elk at gmail dot com if you’d like to talk.
Not much to say [...]