Yesterday, the depression that’s been creeping up on me for the past few weeks took hold and I found myself crying on my bed and scribbling, “I am a good person” and “this too shall pass” on my hands. But I still feel weak and ashamed of myself for being depressed and no longer bother mentioning it to my family or friends.
Today, I feel so full of rage and sorrow that I stuck on some music and trashed my room to the beat of the drums. I nearly broke my hand by smashing it into a wall while screaming. I feel invincibly strong today but I want to cry. I want to laugh too because I feel like I could break bones with my little finger. I can’t sit still.
I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept having flashes of horrible images. Bodies in coffins decaying, worms, people’s faces being crushed by hands. I thought being awake and alert like today would kill these images but they haven’t, they keep flashing into my head in rapid succession and it is scary but also making me feel like my body is draining from white to black. I just feel really fucking depressed but also really agitated. My thoughts are fast but hideous. I feel horrible; feel like a person infected by evil and strength.
I have to go out later and I am geniunely afraid that I might punch somebody.
I also went to the shop and tried to keep my dad alive by playing his numbers on the lottery.
Filed under: Bipolar Disorder | Tagged: Bipolar Disorder
Stumble It!
If this keeps up, call your CPN. but you knew that already right?
Memento Vivere
[...] is dealing with depression. I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept having flashes of horrible images. Bodies in coffins [...]
Well I hope your Dad’s Lotto numbers come up….
If I didn’t hate being a hypocrite so much, I’d tell you to check in with your docs/CPN.
Out of interest – you haven’t suddenly stopped then restarted taking your depakote? Your experiance echoes that of when I started depakote and when I stopped/started taking it again. (Blind rage, self-revulsion, racing thoughts, nightmare flash-backs, wanting to start fights – even though I’ve never before in my life felt angry).
Hope you have a big win. My thoughts are with you.
Also, a second out-of-interest query for you… The flashes of thought and image you have, I’m wondering if they’re similar to the ones I have, not so much in the content (mine are generally of people committing suicide, or myself getting hit by a bus) but in the delivery method – short, sharp bursts of thought, usually accompanied by a vision of that thought – but only for an instant.
Don’t feel ashamed. I stopped mentioning any of my feelings to my family at a very early stage. The way they reacted when I tried to involve them pushed me away from doing that.
No punchie no one.
Just sing ‘em one of moi’s lill’ parody songs.
That’s a rabbit punch to the cortex, indeed.
Out of interest – you haven’t suddenly stopped then restarted taking your depakote? Your experiance echoes that of when I started depakote and when I stopped/started taking it again. (Blind rage, self-revulsion, racing thoughts, nightmare flash-backs, wanting to start fights – even though I’ve never before in my life felt angry).
Nope, I still take it during the day. only with food, though.
Also, a second out-of-interest query for you… The flashes of thought and image you have, I’m wondering if they’re similar to the ones I have, not so much in the content (mine are generally of people committing suicide, or myself getting hit by a bus) but in the delivery method – short, sharp bursts of thought, usually accompanied by a vision of that thought – but only for an instant.
They are very rapid. Almost like being stabbed repeatedly.
Keep reading your hands. Take care.