The continuing laughable saga of trying to get benefits when you’re too sick to work

So, to Islington People’s Rights today, to talk about benefits. I’ve crafted a song and a little dance now so that when I talk about the boring labyrinth of the benefits system, I do it in a cool and interesting way.

If you’d like to borrow my fabulous song and dance, it’s this:

1. Sing,

“I only have a week to get my housing benefits forms back and apparently the statutory minimum they’re supposed to give you is four weeks to find all the impossible crap you need to prove you’re not some sort of fecking oil baron with a million pounds under your mattress…”

in whatever style you like (rap, reggae, in a kind of Jarvis Cocker fashion) while swishing your hips from side to side and clicking your fingers.

2. Sing,

“The bloody bastards have so many ridiculous exceptions that I sometimes think I should say I am a two foot high parakeet with a gammy leg and cataracts to see if they can pull a rule out of their arses to address the issue of me being a two foot high parakeet with a gammy leg and cataracts…”

While spinning round.

3. Another verse, sing,

“And they did and it was, “As a two foot high parakeet with a gammy leg and cataracts you are unable to claim full Housing Benefit as we don’t cover massive cage with dust floors and grey poo dotting the bars if they have a kitchenette that the rest of the household can’t use…”"

While jumping up and down and winking.

4) The chorus is,

“I just want to claim benefits, benefits, because I’m unwell, yeah, I’m a mental, and I need some money to buy food and stuff”

to the tune of “Let’s get Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. This whole sequence is more impressive if you’re wearing tights and a sweatband.

Anyway, after finishing singing the chorus, the advisor I spoke to said to gather all my nuts and seeds and take them to the local housing office before my closing date, just to keep the claim open. Then to come back to her in two weeks so we can try and overturn the Single Room rule or apply for a Discretionary Payment.

She also said to appeal the decision of DLA when it invariably comes back as being rejected, noticing the various burn marks that adorn my hands because I keep leaving the cooker on.

I should get Income Support, but with the Single Room rule, this isn’t enough for me to live on, as I’ll have -£10 a week.

She said there is no chance of me getting Incapacity Benefit without contributions, but she is going to write to them to ask for a detailed explaination of which tax years they’re taking into account.

In short: helpful, but not that hopeful. Now, what to do with these medical certificates stating I’m too ill to work and have been for a year? Anybody know a good framer?