All the Decembers that I have seen

The idea of the impoverished writer is a myth.   It is impossible to carry a creative thought when every cell of your mind is rattling around frantic about money worries.   It squeezes everything else out; ambition, hope, happiness.   The head bows under the weight, the body bends like a weak stem.  How can I [...]

Bah

I was awarded DLA at the lowest rate for care (£17.50) and no award for mobility.
I guess we’re appealing then.

Hurrah for new CPNs

I love my new CPN. She’s fantastic. At the start of my appointment, I felt leaden with the depression that’s been creeping up on me. By the end, I felt uplifted and cheerful as, for the first time in my whole life, I actually feel as though I have people on [...]

Deep sigh

I am quite sure that depression has returned.  I feel frozen.

The Good Things About Bipolar Disorder

A reader asks:
has no one had anthing good to say about bipolar this all new to me.
Well.
It’s very subjective. It’s like asking, “Are there any good things about cats?” Someone might reply, “Lots!” and list the fabulous things about cats, with conviction. Equally, someone might respond, “No!” with the same conviction.
People have [...]

I have no idea who I am.

Feeling sad and tired about certain things.

For my benefit

Diet fraud: redefining anorexia

(Edit edit edit: this post is in a new category: Posts that I Have Edited a million times).
I have been following this saga from the beginning; the The Kimkins Diet scandal.
Basically, Kimmers, or Heidi Diaz, made up a completely bullshit diet that consisted of bits of other diets (mainly Atkins) and sold it as [...]

Drugs and medication

I didn’t win anything on the lottery, sadly. The thing is, I really believed I would. I still have this notion that life has been fairly unkind on me; my brain, the endless stream of worry and stress, the lack of opportunities I have, the things I have gone through; so, in some [...]

Mood disorder

Yesterday, the depression that’s been creeping up on me for the past few weeks took hold and I found myself crying on my bed and scribbling, “I am a good person” and “this too shall pass” on my hands. But I still feel weak and ashamed of myself for being depressed and no longer [...]

Explosion

I deleted my collasal rant yesterday as I don’t like writing sweary rants in here; that’s what Livejournal is for!
What set me off was the arrival of a letter from the DWP. It was from Income Support saying that they had never received my claim. This was the claim I bought by hand [...]

The continuing laughable saga of trying to get benefits when you’re too sick to work

So, to Islington People’s Rights today, to talk about benefits. I’ve crafted a song and a little dance now so that when I talk about the boring labyrinth of the benefits system, I do it in a cool and interesting way.
If you’d like to borrow my fabulous song and dance, it’s this:
1. Sing,
“I only [...]

The “Normal” People

I had a doctor’s appointment today and got my 28 week sick certificate with no trouble at all, as well as a certificate for three months starting today. Now if only the Department of Work and Pensions (which always sounds very Newspeak to me) would drop their ridiculous student rule for Incapacity Benefit and [...]

Getting over Body Dysmorphic Disorder

 
I have conveniently filed it into non-existence, at least for administrative purposes. But it’s still quite a factor in my life. And it’s almost a secret now. I hate discussing it. So I’m going to.
Even writing about it now, I want to delete it. Instead, I’m going to put it under [...]

Ambitions? What ambitions?

I’ve added that meebo thing back to the sidebar, realising that it only worked when I logged in. Say hello! Apologies if I’ve accosted you while you’re browsing. New toy enthuasiasm.
I was cheerful today. I wish I could say that the reason is this brisk winter wind that’s currently whipping my room, [...]

Timewatching

Today, it’s been one year and six months since my dad died.
I wish time went back as well of forth. Although on a rational level I know that my dad has died, it still feels as though it was just some event like a bad argument that lingers in memory; that he will acquiesce, [...]

“Get a job” and It’s nice to be in Islington

I’m now a fully fledged member of the mentalist community of Islington.
I’ve added the tag long posts that are probably not that interesting to the bottom of this post; you have been warned.
Today, I walked the twenty minutes from my flat to meet my new CPN and psychiatrist. The building is bright and cheerful, [...]

Melanie

Since a lot of people read this, I’m going to post this here.
DJ Lucy*Fur (or Melanie) is well-known by many good friends of mine. She’s 37 and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her cancer became aggressive, has metastised and is now incurable. She’s been given approximately a year to live.
She’s just found out [...]

Being angry

I have my first appointment with my new CPN tomorrow at Drayton Park. I’m actually rather nervous. Appointments with the CPN stir that uncomfortable feeling of being sent to the headmaster. I’m even thinking about what to wear to look as uncrazy as possible. Considering most of my size 12 clothes [...]

Thinking of winter

Sigh.
I don’t feel super today. Partly, it’s being worn down (and weighed down) with the cold and partly because, since I stopped taking Sertraline, depression has been returning. I’ve had to repost this entry because when editing it, the page corrupted and I couldn’t fix the HTML. Sorry if this is clogging up [...]

How to lose a job in one hour

Things that seem like a good idea when you’re manic: Drawing moustaches onto sticky backed paper and plastering them all over your workstation.
Click below to read more.

Feck’s sake

This is the longest cold I’ve ever had. When I go somewhere warm, I think it’s gone. Then I come back here and the snot flies. I’m sick of waking up in the middle of the night wheezing like an arthritic hippo.

Why I Moved to London

Excuse the sporadic updating. I have the lurgy and have spent the past week coughing, sneezing and talking like Mariella Frostrup. I’ve been staying at Rob’s, where it is toasty warm, but am back home now. It’s as cold in here as it is outside and as soon as I walked through [...]

Goodbye Haringey

Today in Seaneen’s Stupid Injuries:

Thanks to hair straighteners for the bulbous blister.
I currently have the lurgy, which has transformed my usually high pitched Belfast bleating into a sexy baritone. I dazzled the DWP earlier with my dulcet tones, with even my roaring, “You bunch of utter CUNTS” sounding seductive. Slamming the phone down [...]

Tug of War