We’re drinking to life, we’re drinking to death

First thing’s first. If you’ve not read this entry, read it. If you’ve read it, read it again. My inbox is rattling with the dispossessed and alone. You are not alone. You never will be. Remember, we are legion.
Being the Bright Young Thing that I so obviously am (with [...]

New Look

Well, chums, what do you think of the new look? Rather summery, I feel, however, maybe slightly too ordinary. I felt that the black was rather depressing, and a little too explicitly, “Hello. I have manic depression”.
Tell me what you think.
I look a little less like I have been ransacked [...]

The modern gods of psychiatry

Ever since the Devil was invented, one of the most unforgivable of sins was selling your soul to him for a worthless mortal perk. As the end of your life draws close, you are cracked opened up like a treasure chest and found to be empty.
I don’t believe in anything so specious as a [...]

Let her crash and burn she has to learn

Not the best day.

Happy 49th Birthday to my Dad.

I added it as an afterthought to my last entry, but he deserves more than that. I really wish I was with my siblings today. I’ve hardly had time to think, but, now, I’ve made time. People sometimes think it’s odd that we love our dad, because he was an alcoholic, and [...]

Kissing and Making Up

I am trying to cover a lot of cuts on my face so I don’t look as mental as I am.
Okay, with two layers of powder and foundation, I am this lovely colour of orangé…

And gormless.
The CPN rang and I apologised for being such a brat on Friday.  I am quite literally at my wit’s [...]

And

And for no reason, my mood has shot up today.

Feeling Fake

No, not my rapidly expanding breasts. They’re as real as anything. I dread to think how they look on the inside. Like melting, dirty snow, scuffed by heels and huffing tyres.
I’m listening to the Manic Street Preachers. I am feeling as old and cracked as dead wood. The line from [...]

The Endless Question

Who Am I?
It’s a question people struggle through for their entire lives. Identity is fluid and ever-changing, shaped by events and biology, by everything, with, if you’re lucky, a shining centre anchored in the depths that cling onto the facets that make you human and make you you. People say, “I don’t change”, [...]

Thinking Blogger Awards

I’ve been tagged by Sadgirl for “The Thinking Blogger Awards”, basically blogs that make you think. Rules state I have to link them and nominate five others.
Publican’s Decoy- Just Your Atypical Boy-Girl-Girl-Boy is a mostly political and cultural livejournal that I very rarely agree with but do love reading. He always manages to [...]

Human Car Crash

I lost yet another job today due to my fucking up on Friday. It is particularly stinging because before that I was doing really well and I really liked it.
Back in that no money, no job, no rent situation. Hilarious. I can’t go home, there is no money and no room for [...]

From Asylum to Mental Health Facility

I have a very strange feeling today. A tingling in my heart to my toes, a melancholy peace that Camus would describe as “the benign indifference” of the world. There is a slight breeze and a thunderstorm woke me up this afternoon. I have been watching the people in the street and [...]

The Dying Breed who Like to Read

Hello! A publisher is semi-interested in making a book out of this blog. To do this, I need to lash it into some sort of coherant structure and also introduce a narrative.
I need critical readers who can go over what I do and suggest improvements and tell me where I am going right [...]

Social Obligations

Lunch time. A quiet day.
I have a very strong sense of social obligation. If I feel terrible, I will struggle out to the party. If I am broke, I will make it to the pub, somehow. I must show my face and carry on as normal. I must be witty and [...]

Problems

The words that frighten me most in the world are:
“Please stand well away from the edge of Platform…2. The approaching train is not scheduled to stop at this station”.
And then a GNER train would hurtle past into the tunnel while I grip the plastic seat I’m sat on, terrified of being whipped into the [...]

Accept Yourself- A Slightly Explicit but Neccessary Entry

I’m in Rob’s today, bringing him laundry like he’s my mother. He’s gone out clubbing, I have been hanging out with Hobbes in the pursuit of rest, something I have been getting next to nothing of this week.
I had one of those experiences earlier that motivates the girl with the private (and occasionally painfully public) [...]

When A Parent Dies

I can’t imagine the pain involved losing a child. The closest I have ever come is an early miscarriage. I didn’t feel an acute sense of loss, nor a sense of relief. Just a kind of nothingness, a was and now is not. It was an undramatic affair. A lot [...]

No Surrender

Well, I’ve been quiet on the subject of the old bipolar disorder recently. This is for a few reasons, but for one in particular:
1. In this post I describe the five stages of bipolar grief.
What I didn’t mention is that the cycle of grief never ends. You progress from denial to acceptance [...]

Anyone Fancy a Chocolate Digestive?

Look, I absolutely PROMISE a real return to this blog tomorrow. At the moment, I have gastric flu so am feeling sticky and crap BUT! this has completely brightened my day.
This is The New Royal Family, comprised of two of my friends, David Barnett (the dashing lead singer, also of Luxembourg), Alex Potterill (the [...]

Help My Friend

Hi, this is a post to ask you to help my friend, Shira Sandler.
Her mother has just been diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. She has the added complication of lipolymphodema which is not being taken seriously by the nurse specialist (when she should really be seeing a doctor).
Anyway, her mum needs to [...]